LEAVE HIM

Please think before you do anything i have 2 boys and had the perfect life for 10 years till last year amd the gambeling started I got him arrested for being violent last year but this year I caught him on gam block even though he's registered trying to stop himself tonight we had a drink together where he wud normally gambeling and he went to bed please 

I am a compulsive gambler of 50 yeras.A gambler can stop if they want to, you cant change a compulsive personality but you can stop the addiction.Not all gamblers are like your partner but I have to agree hes been abusing your kindness.This is a sad fact of life when people are caring and soft natured people will take advantage.Humans sometimes but not always treat caring people not well, in fact sometimes they respect bad people more.This is some thing I will not tolerate myself anymore. They will destroy your well being everything will be taken from you including your soul. Their are people in this world who don't have much of a conscience, don't listen to do - gooders who tell you everyone has a conscience, this is not TRUE their are bad people that don't have a conscience or remorse for what they do. nOT all Gamblers are like this but a tiny minority are . SAVE YOURSELF AND CHILDREN. Best Wishes

Hi Jennifer, 

I hope you are well. 

You sound like something has finally clicked inside you and, maybe that one thing that you cant put your finger on but it keeps you from totally cutting ties.  Well done. I imagine you can now look to the future and feel excited that dreams can actually be worked towards  and achieved.

I'm trying to take inspiration from you and hopr i won't be too far behind you. 

Sending all the luck in the world. 

Hi Jennifer, 

It sounds like you have had a real wake-up call and finally made a firm decision on your future and what you do and don't want. That's great! And I hope that going forward you have the help and support to move on from all this, as 8 years is a long time, and it sounds like it has at times taken a toll on your mental health. 

Every person's situation and relationship is different and each person's journey through recovery will be different, so what works for someone may not work for somebody else. If you do feel like you need support or to get anything off your chest, there are various support groups for people that have been affected by a person's gambling, but it sounds like you are doing great. 

I wish you and your children all the best and happiness for your future. 

Kind regards, 

Jade 

Posted by: @ghpl7i1x3w

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Please think before you do anything i have 2 boys and had the perfect life for 10 years till last year amd the gambeling started I got him arrested for being violent last year but this year I caught him on gam block even though he's registered trying to stop himself tonight we had a drink together where he wud normally gambeling and he went to bed please 

@ghpl7i1x3w Babe, with all do respect. You have two children and he has already been arrested for violence. Alarm bells are ringing here, or they should be. Whats good for you isn’t necessarily good for me. Im really happy and content. I have tried as I said in the initial post (for eight years) to help him. I am done with the lies, the moodswings, the manipulation and the chaos. What you want to accept for yourself and your kids is your business. I on the other hand don’t want to live with a man who gambles. I have been through every single avenue with him and nothing changes. I have thought long & hard. Justifying his behaviour isn’t something I am willing to do anymore.

@ypqtfao731 Thankyou for your honest and wise words

@ypqtfao731 and fifty years! Goodness me. I am sorry youve had to deal with this for that length of time. With that being said I am 35, fifty years before he considers recovery is absolutely not acceptable, FOR ME I mean. I dont want any of that behaviour anywhere near me. He will always always always see his kids but as far as me and him go. Done

I agree with you Jennifer, why should you put up with it.You have to think of yourself and 2 children. best wishes

Hi Jennifer,

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. It sounds like you have really been through a lot with this and that your ex has some very serious troubles. What you have been through really comes through in your post and comments and it can be seen how much this all has impacted you. I think it's really admirable that you have made such a big and difficult life change as it can be so extremely hard to make that first step. You sound like you were really not happy or thriving in your relationship and have done what you had to do. One of the things I love so much about Gamcare is that we as affected others are also recognised as important and our suffering feels so seen. I love that everyone can come together here and support each other no matter if you are an affected other or the person gambling, that community really shines through in the threads on your post. 

My husband was a gambler, but he stopped 5 years ago after I gave him an ultimatum. Gamblers can and do change/manage their difficulties however you can be as supportive as you can but ultimately the decision is in the gamblers hands. Nobody can make them stop unless it comes from within themselves. It sounds like you did all that you could to give him time to make improvements, but it hasn't worked. I hope that this can be a wakeup call for your ex partner even though the relationship is over. Maybe what you have done now may not only be the best thing for you but also the best thing for him too. It's wonderful to hear that life is going so much better for you now and that you have received help from Gamcare to get through the emotional upheaval this has all caused. Even though me and my husband have stayed happily together, it took me a while to heal completely. Be kind to yourself and keep making use of any support available for as long as you feel you still need it. It is a very complex experience to have been through and there is no time limit on your emotional recovery. 

Keep looking after yourself and well done for making such a positive step forward for you and your children. Hopefully this new year will be a year of positive transformation for you. 

Hannah

Volunteer Peer Supporter

@r8mwut7y5e Your husband sounds a good man. Mine has been told by everyone around him & still won’t change. I am so angry towards gambling in general and how they cannot see the torment it causes to the other parent/partner who is paying the bills every month and if I am to ask for even £40 for shopping it goes off into a huge row. Meanwhile my dad is on end of life care who I am caring for along with 2 young children and the stress has been unbearable. I don’t think I will ever be able to find sympathy for a gambler. Not after what I have experienced. I have watched alot of podcasts on it plus I have lived with one and I already know SOME change but my initial post was to the ladies who have been posting about ‘he’s done it again’ and they are now 10k+ grands in debt. I don’t believe an addiction ever goes away and one wrong slip, one wrong move and bam they can get sucked in again. I appreciate your situation is different to mine however I am not willing to take that risk. It nearly drove me to suicide. I don’t appreciate your indirect response or your colleagues above, it sets the tone that they should be given chance after chance. Or maybe I should try again. This is enabling gamblers further and creating doubt in the victims mind who has lived abuse due to the moodswings of said gambler. Im glad yours changed. Mine never did and I am done. I have every right to leave and I have every right to voice this considering what he has put me, our children and his own mother through and I won’t be silenced. Maybe some men or women who are still gambling and causing chaos need to read this sort of thing. People can only take so much.

well said Jennifer he isnt a child and enough of the soft touch by some its time for you and your  kids to have a happy life not a controlled miserable existence walking on eggshells .separate any joint bank accounts and finances too as soon as you can to protect your family and also contact the gamcare team who are really good at giving advice and pointing you in the right direction legally

@2xnzbc8m31

Hi again Jennifer,

I'm sorry to read that your Father is on end of life care and I appreciate the strain you must be under right now. 

You are absolutely right in what you are saying that you have made the right decision for yourself. My husband would not have been given chance after chance, especially without evidence of cooperating with support. Giving a spouse chance after chance whilst the other is suffering terribly is absolutely never something I would encourage someone to continue and I would not do so myself, hence the ultimatum I gave my husband. That is not a course of action I was intending to advocate for in my response. I mentioned that my husband had been able to manage his gambling and was given another chance, because I was trying to convey that even a person who has remained with their husband, fully supports your decision and understands that there comes a time where there can not be another chance. I apologise that my response to you came across as indirect and it made you feel not how I intended, I was trying to be supportive of your future but I clearly got it wrong on this occasion. I have taken another look at my response and have read the other volunteers response above now that you have mentioned this, and I have taken some learning from your feedback. I am a very new volunteer to Gamcare so your feedback will absolutely be taken on board by myself going forward. 

Take care,

Hannah 

Volunteer Peer Supporter

I don't blame you. Just merely for the fact that gambling addiction is a permanent condition. 

I'm a gambling addict myself, and that's to say; theoretically if someone had the choice to get with a spouse who had no addiction at all, vs someone who was even a recovering gambling addict; it is safer and more harmonious to just be with the individual who had no addictive tendency at all - solely do to the fact that a gambling addict will always be predisposed to "relapse". 

Even Justyn Larcombe, a well known English RAF Veteran, who started a gambling rehabilitation, and got into recovery, was still divorced by his wife and she kept the children with her. I was surprised that they didn't reconcile their marriage after his TED Talk, and years of recovery, having lost 1 million and lost everything, then after rebuilt his life and started again, and now is successful. 

But it's the mere fact that, he is still a "recovering addict", which means he will always be vulnerable / have a tendency / be predisposed to gambling again in the future if things go wrong. 

It is a known factor that gambling addiction tendencies among people who have became problem gamblers don't return to the original state they were prior to becoming addicts; ie: a normal person / non addict. 

So in my opinion, though sad; is to say that even if I were you, I would rather be alone or be with a partner who has no history of gambling addiction, because they'll always be that un-assurance, anxiety and unease within the relationship because of the past trauma and fear that my spouse could return to gambling again and destroy the household finances yet again. The future would just seem stagnant and worrying, and no one deserves to live like that.

So ultimately, it's just a vulnerable disadvantage that sadly a few of us have been cursed with. That's not to say there isn't hope; no, don't get me wrong. Your spouse could potentially have a successful recovery and never gamble ever again and your life could be miraculously rebuilt and the trust could be restored somewhat to a reasonable level. But my point is, it just depends on if the gambling addicts recovery is successful forever. 

My success at stopping gambling for good has not been so. I have not been successful at stopping gambling for good, neither successful at many attempts in my life at various things. Some people are just not successful in life. Quitting gambling for good is a "success", just like all other life's challenges and goals, like having a successful business. But that's not to say your spouse won't be successful, it's just a leap of faith or risk you have to take; the choice is yours.

If you've had enough and the record convinces you there's no hope, and you look into the nature of gambling addiction; if I were you, I would just take the safe option to avoid future problems in your life entirely, as a result of second hand gambling. 

Look, I've lost many spouses due to my gambling addiction. Did I deserve them to leave me; no. I sadly had been given the gambling curse without my consent. I wish I could have had a harmonious, intimate, financially stable relationship with my spouses. But gambling relapse just kept being a hinderance to my relationships. So I can't blame them for leaving. They tolerated, helped and endured a lot of misery alongside their "second-hand gambling" or "victimization of a gambling spouse". 

So the best in your opinion, and just understand my opinion regarding gambling addicts just being predisposed to relapse at any time where they have an urge or their recovery is not persistent and successful. It'll just be you going round in circles with unexpected financial problems over and over again. You'll be affected by the losses, debts and their depressed emotions. 

This is coming from my life experience; not saying the same will happen with you. 

All the best. And enjoy your life. life is meant to be beautiful. I wish I never had the curse.