New Member Needing To Just Talk

Ohh just one other thing I wanted to tell you all about, remember me telling you at the beginning of all this about me going into the log book loan shop to pay his debt and the lady behind the counter not really knowing where to put her face, and me ending the conversation with, "do not serve this man again" well my message obviously wasn't clear enough because today they have sent a letter out through the post inviting him to take another loan out!! I'm disgusted, can't believe they have the nerve to do that! Fair play to Mr TOH he phoned me straight up at work and told me and said we should write a letter of complaint, which I will definitely do as that's beyond immoral, but what a disgusting business to do that!

i have a huge problem in that i have just tried having words and have ended up in tears...again...(sitting upstairs so he doesn't know) He has come in late and i had left a dinner needless to say he started to cook his own. I asked him why he is being so mean ? what had i done ? he just kept saying "being single is better" and "he won't change for anyone". So i suspose thats it really if he isn't prepared to knowledge what he is doing is affecting us then i can't do anything and by me trying it is pushing him further apart. The thing that annoys me most is he kept saying he doesn't want to talk about it or talk at the weekend !!! whats that about....

I just have this tiny feeling he is just trying to upset me as he has a tiny grin on his face ... gambling aside..i'm not sure i want to be with a man like that anyway just feels like i have lost the original man i met and left with a monster.

Sorry for moaning but feel so lost..

Don't apologise Lovely15, this is exactly what this page is for! We all need someone to talk to and moan at.

I'm sorry he is treating you this way, it really does bring out an unknown monster inside of them. I can only repeat what I have suggested before which would be if Mr TOH said to me "it's better being single" then I would stand firm and say "go and be single then" and show him the door. Only once we have truly lost everything do we see the costs of our actions.

Additionally, regardless of what you decide to do about him, I would suggest you start living for YOU, I know this is easier said than done, but there is an amazing strength behind being your own person, it becomes hard when you have become a partnership over a number of years but try and find your inner individual, the person you are, not the person you are with him. Do things you enjoy. Make new friends. Laugh, that was certainly my greatest healer, I was able to laugh with some colleagues at work, a real put of your stomach laugh and all of a sudden I realised, I don't have to be miserable, this horrible thing doesn't have to beat me and make me miserable. Start living for today, taking each day one day at a time.

Most of all look after yourself! Do what's right for you!

Good luck in whatever you do 🙂

Keep talking, we are here listening 🙂

You are so right HL and really i know that and probably have for a long time. I don;t need this to be honest, i played second best to to a long shiny bottle of Bacardi for years then that goes and in steps Roulette all 6ft and flashing lights... what would be next ????

Hi TOH, i;m going to do just that make myself busy, he said talk at the weekend as he is tired but maybe i am too busy ....

Hi Half Life,

Your absolutely right! That's the problem once you've opened the doors to these type of companies it can take years to get rid of them. I will be making a complaint as I'm disgusted that they almost encourage this behaviour, I'm only grateful that Mr TOH has just turned that corner where he is telling the truth for a change now rather than hiding it as he would of done in the past.

Lovely15 - I have to say I agree with Half Life, from the sounds of things he is not ready to start his recovery journey, and he isn't acknowledging the effects this is having on you (even though he sees you crying daily). Give yourself some you time, maybe at the weekend you might want to talk, maybe you might not want to, I think if you allow him to let the weekend pass without talking you are probably commiting to not getting the answers you seek, but just take each day at a time, you don't need to think that far ahead at the moment, live each day and try not to let this dictate your life. I wish you the best of luck 🙂

Well I'm back again!

Today's miserable life was because he can't understand why I'm disappointed that he thinks it's acceptable to park outside a bookies whilst he picks a work colleague up, who then apparently knows all about the CG and then asked him to go into the bookies for him and cash in a winning slip. And he can't understand why I think he should park somewhere else!

So because I'm always "chelping at him" he's taken himself back to the spare room... I thought things were getting better, I thought we were coming out the other side, I thought I could fight this but today I feel weak, beaten and overall exhausted with it all, I just can't keep doing this, the threats that he will leave and then when I tell him "fine just go then, don't threaten it just do it" he tells me he can't because he hasn't any money, well sorry but who's faults that, you would of had more than enough savings if you hadn't of done what you did.

Oh The other half, i am so sorry he has done this to you. I did (might still!!) get those silly stories. I would have said why couldn't his friend go and get his own winnings.

Why do they sulk ??? my husband was also in a real bad temper because i was catching him out, i told him i will continue to catch him out all the time he keeps trying to get one over me.

Mine always says he will leave and last weekend he stayed out , i didn't look for him or phone or anything and on sunday morning calmly did my gardening so when he came round i was all nice and calm and also busy and not pacing for him, think he was shocked. Told him to quickly pack his things as i was off to Bluewater and wouldn't leave him in the house. Within 10 mins he was phoning saying he didn't want to go and leave me , said be an hour and we can talk, sorted somethings out and shall see what happens

My husband was using the "Give me the card and i will leave" i would say find somewhere and i will come with the money and pay then he can take over all his expenses and get on with it...obviously didn't like that idea.....

It is very hard and very exhausting and mentally exhausting and i'm so sorry you find yourself going through it again, you can do this as you are strong, he has let you down but also himself......go back to enjoying yourself with your child and do some fun things.

Hi Lovely15,

Thanks for your reply. After some reflection I a little pleased Ashe did refuse to go in for his work colleague and ultimately has agreed to park somewhere else, I just get so frustrated because why can't he think of these things himself, why do I have to tell him it's wrong before he realises especially when it seems so obvious! But after all my ranting I am glad he didn't go in and cash the slip in.

Good days and bad days I suppose. Will see where he sleeps tonight?

I'm glad you managed to remain calm and busy, I did find a pleasure in "not caring"... Will have to find my way back there...

It's good to hear from you 🙂

They also need to realise we need time to trust them don't they, i too am ready to jump at the slightest thing but am trying so hard not to but am keeping my wits about me. It's early days for them and us..

Glad it all sorted it self out x

You dont have to trust them again. They perhaps need time to realise that you can forever be vigilant about what they're doing and irs actually for their benefit. Your lack of trust is completely rational, so dont think you have to calm down or get back to normal or any of that. Compulsive gambling is a progressive illness, it can be stopped, but not cured, so stay vigilant for these silly slips of mindfulness they have. You are the sane ones here 🙂

Your so right! I thought that maybe I had gone over the top a bit, when he was saying "I haven't done anything apart from be honest with you and this is what I get" I was a bit like well no you haven't done anything and that's great but I'm still mad that you could have....

I'm glad I'm not going crazy.... It's so hard because sometimes I feel guilty for asking him questions or looking at his banking, I know he's done wrong but I stI'll feel it

Next stage is not being mad about it, its just part of life. Whether lack of self esteem was part of the reason they gambled or not, a big dose of rock bottom will certainly have destroyed the self esteem he had. To be a loving partner he needs to rebuild it, but he definitely does not need to be trusted with money for that to happen.
Firm but fair "I don't believe you" or "I just don't trust you with this" and let the emotion go and carry on. He will learn how to rebuild his self esteem, you can secure yourself and your own self esteem without getting mad.
Not trusting someone isn't punishing them, its just a new way of living. I trust Mr P with my life, the childrens lives, everything in the shed is his domain, its just the bank cards I don't trust him with.

Me again.... It's been a while.

Not having a good day, well I was... Was planning a holiday for us all at the end of the year, but it would seem Mr TOH can't seen to tell the truth, EVER. He hasn't gambled or anything like that. Yet he still chooses to lie and hide the truth from me, short story is he's had a takeaway for tea on his way home from work (which would of been fine if he had told me) but he didn't and when he gave me a kiss goodnight I said to him "you smell what have you eaten?"

I then had to ask that question another four times before he told me the truth. And then he try's to turn the tables on me by saying "he wouldn't lie if I didn't tell him off for everything he does, I'm allowed to eat its only cost £3" and can't seem to understand me when I say, it's not about eating or £3 or a takeaway, it's the fact I have to ask him four times before being told the truth, the fact that if I hadn't of smelt it I would of never of found out because he certainly wouldn't of volunteered the information. It's the fact that after 8 years of being together he still doesn't treat me with enough respect to tell ,e the truth from the start, I still have to catch him out before the truth is told.

I know this is not necessarily gamble related but I have no one else to turn to to talk about this to so sorry if it's not relevant. I just hate lies and secrets. Needing to hear the sanity that this group brings.

It is totally gambling related, its not the money that matters, is the being made a fool of, the lies and the deceit and the lack of respect is exactly what the problem is.

Not long ago mr P, very drunk, seemed to have more money than I was expecting for someone who was buying rounds and I asked where he had all this money from, he told me a lie, a blatant one, I didnt pull him up on it or interrogate him, I took it on the chin and quietly decided he was probably gambling again. Absolutely everything he did for the two weeks afterwards I saw as the actions of a gambler and got very withdrawn, which he was hurt by, vicous circles. Anyway, I heard from another source that his drunkenness had been paid for quite legitimately by someone else, that he had tried to buy drinks in return and the buyer was having none of it. The money situation was explained, I was wrong about the gambling. But I didnt feel any better because it was the lie that was bothering me. Anyway, long story short, I exploded, massive hissy fit about him thinking I was some sort of mug that believed his lies, he shouted back about how he hadnt gambled and he couldnt make me happy if i didnt believe him, me shouting that i couldnt believe him if he lied....then storming off and silence for a bit.... then dusting ourselves down and getting on with recovery again.

Compulsive gamblers are, in my experience, usually compulsive liars, (ask them, they will say " no im not", which proves it 😀 ), there is more to recovery than keeping the money in the pocket, getting control of their minds is what its all about. You have the pateince of a saint, I hope he sees that when he cools down.

I have just joined up, this is all very new to me. I am the finance of a gambler. I have only very recently found out the extent of the gambling. He has lost around £10k in total on around 4 seperate occasions (luckily this was savings and we have not got into any debt from it). He has said he knows it's a problem, he has not gambled since telling me on Saturday, he has rang up gam care and has given me control of the remainder of the savings, an has blocked one of the sites. He is full of remorse and ashamed of what he has become due to his actions. I am 100% behind him, we are engaged with one child an another one on the way. I know him and he is the best person I know, And a wonderful father, I just don't know where it has come from. He has sworn me to secrecy which I can understand but I am struggling with the fact the only person I can speak to about it is him, I don't want to keep bringing it up or making his recovery any harder by always saying how I feel about it. I am also finding I that dealing with the lies he has told, I base our relationship on trust, I now know he can and will lie to me, I am also thinking about how I couldn't have known and is there any other lies he has told me (I do believe there are not but then I think am I being stupid as he has obviously lied before).

Is there anyone who has felt like this and how have you dealt with overcoming these feeling. Being without him is the very last thing I want for my family. Thanks.