New Member Needing To Just Talk

Hi, thank you for your comments, you really are encouraging me to stay strong, at the end of the day it can only go 2 ways he stops or he goes....

I never use to go out because it would give him the chance to go to the bookies and stay there all evening, we aren't in great debt through this but never getting anywhere with saving money, everytime he borrowed he would pay them back which has a knock on effect with our income,meaning i don't do anything yet he is out for hours hanging around the bookies then use to come back drunk. Do you know what he use to say to me, if i wanted more money then to get more work !!! made my blood boil

He does some very silly things to try and worry me, said he was going to cancel his bank card (because i have it) and pretended to phone the bank, says he will leave then find him hanging around late at night in the back garden...very strange behaviour, all this is to try and worry me but really i'm just tired of it, and he says i'm just being dramatic...he should be the one on stage ..lol. but at the end of the day i do miss the person i met years ago and fell in love with and really i'm just hoping to get him back.

That's exactly how I see it now, and I have told him, you either be the man I need you to be and be accountable to me or you be accountable to know one and you go and be single. I made a concious effort today also to wait whilst we weren't arguing or anything and say to him "you need to know this is your final chance, one more lie or gamble and you will loose your family and your home" I think sometimes it's more effective when you say it when it's not in an argument because they no it's thought through and calculated rather than said in the heat of the row.

I am in a very similar position regarding finances, not massively in debt but neither have enough money to throw it away like they do... I've started just being a little more selfish, I've accepted that he hasn't got any money but that doesn't mean he shouldn't pay, therefore I make him pay towards the household now and pay back his debt to me slower but at least that way I don't feel like I am bailing him out and drawing the short straw so much...

His behaviour does sound very strange and your right I think we all hold out for the man we once knew many years ago that we fell in love with but unfortunately I think it's a long time till we will see that person again, fingers crossed for both of us 🙂

Keep talking, I'm listening 🙂

Mr P will be paying off his debts for about ten years i think, i'm in no rush to see the debts gone, i like that they are still there reminding him.

I think your right there Pangolin, maybe it's better that it takes them a while that way they have the reminder of it... I hadn't thought of that!

But the whole time my husband is paying off his ridiculously large loan I'm having to work my a**e off to keep our heads above water. So actually I'm the one suffering as well as my children who have no holiday due to their dad's actions. How is that a good thing?

Thats the thing isn't it katiecola, it has a knock on affect and still involves us, thats why i told him to tell his mum he wants money, i know he never would...so if he can't ask her than don't ask me. .Feel like i'm turning into a polly parrot but ha yo ...

Well TOH you sound like you are really taking charge, good for you, when you say these rules does your husband lose his temper ?? A few weeks ago i wrote my husband a letter explaining how i was feeling about his time spent out at the bookies and popped it in his lunch box he texted me back saying he wanted to be with me and make me happy we never actually talked about the letter which would have been nice but he was good for 3 weeks then he just said you didn't mean forever...well yes i did !!!!

It's getting close to him coming home and i'm trying to stay calm as know he will want to buy cigs which means he needs the card and although i know the bookies are shut he will take more money out than he needs ready for Bank Holiday monday(though he will swear he won't but been there so amny times) so need to stay strong, he had all his money for the week on friday and it went to Roulette...his choice ...feel horrible seeing him without but on the other hand he happily sees me without.

Hi Katiecola,

I made the decision to pay off Mr TOHs loan because I couldn't bare to see the ridiculous interest rates, he now has to pay me back, plus interest, which will go to our little ones savings account. But I realised that whilst he was paying me back he wasn't contributing towards the house, so I prioritised the house and bills even though I know it will take him longer to pay back the debt but that's his problem, I shouldn't / we shouldn't have to carry the household that they live in whilst they repay their debts...

That's my view on it anyway.

Hi Lovely15,

Yes Mr TOH does get angry when I make these rules, which is why I made the decision to talk to him when we weren't arguing and lay my cards on the table. It's easier when we both aren't already angry and frustrated. That still doesn't mean he likes it, but I have simply stated to him "if you want your family then you are accountable to us, if you don't want to be accountable to anyone then go and be single" he has to make the choice then, and if he choose to walk away because he wasn't prepared to accept my rules then I would have to accept that.

I tell you one thing I'm finding difficult, Mr TOH is in the spare bedroom, which is fine that's where he should be, but I find myself feeling uncomfortable at how "at home" he's making himself in there, he's given the walls a fresh lick of paint, tided out the old boxes, set himself up with a telly and a new bedside light, put mirrors up on the walls.... And he is happy to spend the evening/ day in there... I can't decide if it makes me feel like he likes it and then it's not a punishment, there's a part of me that wants him to be miserable and suffer the way I have, and yet he isn't, he's cosy watching telly in a lovely clean room? It's bizarre!!

Hi TOH

Im unfortunately not in the position to pay off my husbands tens of thousands pounds of debt but I see what you're saying. in my situation I am having to pay for all the things he would have contributed to because he is paying off so much every month. I have had to secure myself a permanent full time job just so we can get through each month. I have no choice which makes me resentful because I didn't put us in this position yet my life has had to change considerably whilst his hasn't!

My husband liked nothing more than to retreat from everyone and hide in the bedroom all day/ evening to watch telly. I think he is escaping from it all up there- shuts himself off. It annoys the hell out of me because I'm downstairs running around getting all the chores done. I understand the feeling that you want them to be miserable too! That lessens with time. I still switch between feeling sorry for him and wanting to yell in his face! He is spending less time hiding now- I think it is a process for him having to face the reality. And he couldn't bare to see me looking so broken so he hid away. Now I'm less devastated he doesn't feel the need to as much I guess if that makes sense?

Hi Katiecola,

I know what your saying about not being able to clear the debts for them, if Mr TOH had have gambled any more than he did I also wouldn't have been able to clear it for him.

I'm no kind of financial advisor or anything but could Mr Katiecola consolidate all this debts into one large debt, ,then paying back a slightly smaller amount for longer, that way you could make him contribute to the household? I also work full time and hold down an additional part time job, I did this before so it was for my own benefit not for clearing his debts though it's fortunate I did otherwise I wouldn't of had the savings I had.

Alternatively, calculate how much Mr Katiecola should be contributing and then create him a 'debt' to you, Mr TOH has to make a contribution of £60 per week to the house and £100 per week to the debt he owes me, if one week he couldn't pay it wouldn't get forgotten about, he would have to make it up the following weeks. That way although it doesn't stop your need to work or keep the house a float, it does mean that at least you know he isn't totally not contributing cause you will get it back later? Only you know what's right for you but it's just a suggestion to consider 🙂

With regards to the spare room, your probably right, we do well throug the day whilst the little ones about, but when it's only us is when he tends to go to his room. Just to throw a spanner in the works he has just invited a friend over for the evening, I've said its not fair to put his friend on the sofa when he agreed to sleep over on the understanding he would be in a bed, but he doesn't see why he should end on the sofa in his own home, maybe he will end up in my room tonight I don't know, I'm less concerned about tonight as to what happens tomorrow night, does he stay or go back to his own room?

Definitely learning the hard way on this journey...

Hi, we haven't spoken all weekend, he has been out for most of it but when his came home not a word said. I really struggle with this as i like to get things over and done with and sorted.It is usually me that has to start the talking and yes it ends up in us arguing as he is moody and i can't understand why!!! i feel he should be falling over backwards to make things right but he seems so angry with me, to be quite honest i'm getting fed-up with the whole thing and feel i might just explode. How can any of this be fair...

He is sleeping on the seatte, has been all week and i know it is giving him backache (just wait that will be my fault as well).

Have to say today other than not talking to me he has been home all day, well i know he had £2 in his pocket, think his boss has given him £10 which he brought cigs and then gambled the change and brought a cheap packet but not been into town where he usually spends all his time so thats progress but on the other hand still making out he is leaving me....

Do you know just telling you all this is making me feel so guilty, i do really miss him, i'm sitting upstairs and he is sleeping on the seatte, he is playing "this is your house" card ( i put the deposit down from a previous divorce but both names are on the mortgage)think he just uses that as excuse to not be responsible and so he can use his money for himself.

Why do they act like they don't care ???

and why do i feel guilty ???

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have done nothing wrong, this is not your mess! Do not allow yourself to be responsible for his mistakes.

Don't feel guilty for sharing your journey neither, we all need to talk to someone and if you don't you may well explode!

We are in a very similar place with regards to the houses, mine is mine as it was my family home long before I met Mr TOH, part of me is glad as no matter what I have my security.

He does care because if he didn't he would be long gone by now... Part of me wants to say to you "play him at his own game" if he says he is leaving you then tell him to leave not just talk it, if he says "this is my house too" tell him then his house needs his contribution... Don't let him take the pieces of the situation and use it to his benefit without realising there are consequences and shortfalls to that too... Make him see both flips of the coin...

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Most importantly, keep talking 🙂

TOH that's exactly what I found too. Despite several threats to leave,Mr P didnt ever go for more than a few hours. I thought I would call his bluff but I dont think I ever did, I wish I had, but his final threat to leave was made at what was my rock bottom too and after a few seconds thought, I agreed that leaving was actually best, I couldnt take any more and I could help any more. As I've often said, we had a good 48 hours where I have no idea what he said to me, but everything was replied to with "Get help, not from me, I can do any more, get help you are sick", i couldnt even look at him. Then the whole episode of my eldest son suddenly being a life or death situation a long way from home happened and all of my priorities changed. I didnt notice the change happen in mr P, i came home one day and he was a different man. I am quite sure that my detatchment from him was what made him think for himself, he just didnt exist for me anymore, or should I say, the gambler didnt exist, he had no place in my life, but mrP the man did reemerge and i was pleased to see him back, the time he was lost for changed him, he is much mroe considerate and gentle than the man i met all those years ago. I had to let go before i could move.

I'm rambling, back to business... no one is entitled to ahything in this life, our homes, our savings, everything we have has been earned and these gamblers have to earn it too, they arent entitled to anything material, they have your love and that IS enough.

Our financial situation is such that the house is mine, I paid for it with my dad and then paid my dad back, I kept us afloat while mr P gambled every penny he had for years, its not just savings he stole from me, he has years of financial neglect to pay for here, he also has to be cared for and catered for more than i expected, we have twenty somethings deployed in terrifying bits of the world, a volcanic teenager at home and a toddler to manage, we have to work round the demands that come with a military life for several of us. So when my maternity leave came to an end, I took the decision not to go back to work, we would have less money, but we would have enough to live on and we would all be better looked after rather than everyone having their nerves shredded all the time, we went to stepchange to sort out a debt management plan, and they set an affordable amount to pay every month and thats what we do, mr P pays the bills and i look after us all. We are better of financially and emotionally than when he gambled.

Gam anon, GA, stepchange, in fact every organisation i can think of that helps in these situations tells us to put normal household expenses first, normal life is essential for everyone recovery, we have to stop chasing the money and stop thinking it will solve our problems, thats us as well as the gamblers. Let it go, its gone. If affording repayments on debts makes this seem impossible, its time to talk to stepchange and let them help manage the debt differently. There is no rush to pay it off, your emotional recovery is more important than money. Normal household expenses come first, debts come second, dont let the debts intimidate you, dont let them be your priority.

As for spare rooms, i dont know where we would be without ours, mr P got very comfy in it, x box and everything in there. when he went into recovery he stopped thinking he would ever be sleeping anywhere else. He was very nice to me, regardless of how short tempered i was with him and after a particularly heroic day on the sports field, i found him attractive enough that i went and spent the night with him in the spare room with him. So i suppose I am saying that you dont have to rush back into being intimate because they feel this that or whatever, its about how you feel, not how someone thinks you should feel, so be honest about your feelings, mr was in the spare room because he was repulsive on several levels and that was where he stayed until he was attractive again, we look back and think he was lucky to have been in the house at all.

Thankyou all for these opportunities talk about what Ive been through, although its hard to start talking, when there is a conversation I can join in, after my years of silence and secrecy, I have got the hang of talking again... you think?

Hi lovely

You feel guilty because he has succeeded in making you feel that way. He has manipulated you. Do what you have to do, and live your own life. Pangolin has told you how she achieved this, don't live his life.

He would be feeling guilt himself, remorseful even...possibly. Embarrassed and angry at himself definitely, and he vents that anger at you when you question him. If you think of him as a little boy who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar once too often, and then caught out lying about it, you will have an idea of how he feels.

This is not to say that you should give him any sympathy. He doesn't deserve any. He has to grow up and do the work necessary to attempt his recovery. He has to stop sulking ( like a little boy ), and realise that he has a major problem that only he can address. Any bet for a CG is a problem. You either stop or you don't, there is no inbetween. A lot of us have had a bust or two along the way, but the idea that we could continue to gamble every week, even only small amounts is contrary to our recovery.

Take care

My experience of a recovering gambler is exactly as half life describes and as Wal presents. Placid remorse, no doubts about the where the fault lies, no doubts about where the responsibility to put things right lies and absolutely no doubt that even one bet is a risk he cannot take. He understands that my recovery takes longer than his, the damage done to me was not done by me, he goes into the future knowing that he is gamble free, I have to be vigilant forever, my burden is still greater than his in his eyes and always will be.

What happened to us is not for me to feel guilty about, that I gave him a chance to rebuild us and himself is more than he ever deserved. I love him again because he has met my expectations of what a future together demanded and my standards did get very high, if he had not met them as quickly as he did, I would not have continued with our relationship. Life's too short.

Dont get me wrong I would have been sad, heartbroken to have lost my hero to such an awful illness, but we were both sinking, there was only one person I ever could have saved and my children needed me more than they needed him. Quite simple once I saw it that way.

Pangolin, you have it right there, we have to let go of what they have done too to move on, forgetting about the lost money and living a reasonable daily life is necessary for everyone's recovery, by allowing the debts to be the everything in our worlds we are reminding ourselves of the damage. Daily life and bills first, debts after, otherwise you do fall into this problem where we are paying for everything in daily life because they have to spend all their money on the debts and that way we become resentful because we are still suffering when we did nothing wrong.

As for the spare room stuff your right I couldn't of had Mr TOH in my room all this time because I was sickened by him, by what he had done. He did spend last night in my bed and a part of it was good because it allowed me to want to him again. Plus he has really shown to me how much he wants to change... We turned a real corner the other day after our last row...

Ps - definitely think you've got the hang of talking again lol, and doesn't it feel good? I know I feel better knowing I have this group of friends (which is how I see you all now) to talk to who truly understand and don't judge.

I also agree with Wal1957 about doing what you have to do and living your own life, once you learn to let go of them I think it gives you the power to let go of all the hurt that comes with them too...

And with Half life that he should be stepping on egg shells around you and not you around him.

Oh my gosh Pangolin, your full of wise words, how perfectly put "my recovery is longer than theirs... My burden still greater than his" I think this is so beautifully put and so perfect, we do as families and friends carry the burden much longer and harder than them, I had never considered it until I read that, how right you are!