New to this and don't know where to start

Hi, Kimlouise,

Sorry to hear what's happening to you. Take my sympathies as a given, but the reality of your situation is wretched and you will need all the help you can get.

Unfortunately, your husband has a gambling addiction. Lying is part of it, as lying and bad behaviour is part of any other addiction eg to alcohol or drugs. Gambling does as much damage as any other addiction and it's permanent. Do not underestimate how low an active gambler can stoop.

Either he's actively gambling or he takes all possible steps to go into recovery and stay there but there's no cure.

Regardless of what he says to you, he will continue to gamble until such time as he decides to stop. There is nothing that you can say or do or not say or not do to change that. He controls his gambling, not you. He could choose to stop but be very clear that you can't make him.

Your choices are more rock/ hard place. You can choose whether or not to give him money to gamble with or whether or not to pay for everything and free up his wages for gambling. You can choose whether or not to stay in your relationship. But you can't choose whether he gambles. However, do not give him any ultimatums that you are not prepared to carry out. Idle threats from you won't work.

If he chooses recovery, then that will involve him making that committment plus handing over full control of his finances to you plus attending GA meetings and/ or regular counselling sessions plus putting reliable blockers on his computer, laptop and phone (he may need a non Internet phone) plus self excluding permanently from all accounts. He will need to continually demonstrate these measures to you. And you have to be prepared to take it on.

If he pays lip service, takes half measures and continues to gamble, he will drag you down with him.

It's a lot to take in so start by putting yourself first.

BW,

CW

One day at a time. You've done the best thing, something some of us were scared to do for months, years even, you have started talking. Keep doing it.

A gamblers frame of mind is not one you can reason with, you can't get him to see sense, you can't explain that his lies sound ridiculous. All you can do is protect yourself financially, learn to say no, and learn to ignore the tantrums he will go through before he can face stopping. I have no idea why they gamble, why they think it is a solution to stress of whatever it is it does for them, but I know for us loved ones this is an immensely stressful time, so grab the friendship on offer here, you don't have to look at our ugly mugs just take the words, be supported and get selfish, that's what we will advise. I don't think he doesn't love you, I think he is compelled to gamble and addictions conquer all when they take hold.

You don't have to make any big decisions today, or tomorrow, you can just take it one day at a time. Rant to us and keep a stony face at home, until he commits to recovery, there is nothing else you can do but tough love.

I do recommend seeing if there is a gam anon meeting in your area, their support has been priceless for me, literally saved my sanity, but in the meantime, you have found friends here, you are not alone, keep talking

Thank you for all your comments I've been ill all afternoon I managed to give myself migraine from all the crying I've done but I have decided I am going to confront him tomorrow as he wont be home til ten tonight and I've suffered enough today already I am going to serve him his tea and go to bed once he gets in try get some decent sleep and be fresh and alert for our conversation.

I know I won't leave him regardless so that won't be a threat or thrown in to the conversation we married a few weeks ago for better or worse... I was hoping for slightly longer before the worse but hey ho.

I waited 11 years to be with this man after messing up in my teens and spending 9 yrs in a different abusive relationship we found our way back to one another. I'm prepared to try be patient and help all I can I spoke to the help line on here earlier they were helpful I just hope he's able to see the problem and want help that is on offer. I've already closed my betting account mine was solely for a bit of fun though but I thought I should show my commitment to this recovery too.

Anyway thanks again I'm sure I'll be back and letting loose tomorrow after the dreaded conversation xx

Again, sorry to hear that you've had it so tough...but active gambling is abusive. Financial abuse but still a form of abuse.

It is possible to manage normally when they're in recovery. Barriers are in place and it becomes normal for him not to carry money, meetings become part of the routine. I'm still getting used to it. But be very wary of accepting a life with an active gambler. From where you are now, it gets worse. More lies, mood swings, irrational anger, ever increasing debt. I thought that this was marriage but I was wrong. And now, I wouldn't be prepared to go back to it and I can't see that it would do any of me, him, or our children a any good to try.

Look after yourself.

CW

Hi KimmyLou

I am a recovering CG (in Aust)

I have to agree with all the advice given to you. This is a very tough addiction to get the best of. He will only evr give up gambling if he wants to, you have no control over that.

Be kind to yourself. Become more financially aware. Never pay for something that he wants, or a bill that he has forgotten. All you will be doing is enabling him to gamble with 'his' money.

I hope your 'chat' goes well tomorrow, although I doubt that it will. Be prepared for a tantrum and vindictive words thrown back at you. Come back here and have a chat with us afterwards.

Best wishes