Should have done this the first time

Hiya Mel 

Hope your well my partner is still not great with me and to be honest I don't blame her I've been sleeping on the sofa since the 24th of April and I also know when she tells me I'm not a real man doing what I've done, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the kids. I only blame myself but if things continue like this I'm going to have to move out as it's no good for any off us but I've got my kids and there by my side I know it should be other way about 

Hi B2204

Sorry I've not managed to get back sooner things have been crazy here the last few days, because the things is the world doesnt stop because of this problem and other stuff happens that needs your attention. What you say about things makes absolute sense. I am awaiting a counselling appointment to talk about the effects on me and how I feel and to work out how I should progress moving forward. 

I think for me one of the hardest things is it's almost like it never happened. Very little has changed so far in every day life because it's such a hidden problem in the first place. It goes on in the background of normal life mostly out of view of people, so when the truth outs like this there is no real difference. 

All that said I dont really know what I would like to be different. A bit like any indiscretion we will call it, if i am not going to walk away, which I've pretty much resolved for this one last time I won't, then I have to accept it, live with it and not punish if you like.

Maybe the very fact I've not been consumed by it the last couple of days and have let other things rightly take my attention is a good thing. On the other hand maybe it means I've left myself open again. I dont know, I know I'm not prepared to go round In circles with it though and drive myself crazy. Hope your doing ok.

Hi kev

Thanks for thinking of me. Sorry to hear things arent maybe progressing at home as you'd like. It's good to hear you are still continuing to work hard on your recovery though. Similarly my partner has different sleeping arrangements at the moment. I mentioned too bb this morning that not much has changed day to day. It hasn't that is the only thing. Part of me thinks that is futile as I say if I am willing to give it another go, but then the other part of me absolutely thinks there needs to be something that stands out as a consequence in the home. I dont think I'll keep it up too much longer have to draw a line somewhere but as it's not even been a week yet, I suppose it will be a couple more before I consider changing the arrangement yet. 

Hi Kevthekev40

Its great that you have been able to ask for help and are continuing to accept and receive this.  No life is worth sacrificing, keep strong and focus on working positively towards rebuilding and repairing.  

Not everyday is going to be a good one right, and that can be for reasons outside of gambling lol.  I had a meltdown yesterday as i was incapable of making fish cakes lol.  Stupid now but at the time, it seemed so much bigger than it needed to be.  I am at a place this morning where i can after a good nights rest - reset, which is important.  Yesterday was in the past and i cannot change it so there is no benefit to me dwelling on it. 

Keep smiling and take one day at a time 🙂 

Hi Mel53

Please don't apologise for not responding - there are indeed a lot that requires our focus right now and you don't need to be sorry to me for that 🙂 

I agree with you completely in terms of this being hidden, i am also finding it difficult that things are very much the same as they were without the knowledge of the gambling addiction and damage that comes with that.  I don't know my husband when he is in this place, apart of me thinks have i chosen to neglect or ignore it because i am so over dealing with the crisis that follows.  Having spoken with Gam Care, they made me see that there aren't any real signs and if my husband wanted to hide this then he is very good at it to do it well. 

I am so pleased that you are reaching out to them, from all the conversations i have had over the past week they were the only ones that could truly understand and it felt reassuring for me. 

I love my husband and would do anything for him but i have children now and that's not always possible. I am in the process with his consent to remove him from my financials so i am no longer at risk.  I am fortunate i work full time in a good job, its challenging right now trying to juggle - i don't know about you but i feel so drained by the time night falls.  I honestly think i have had some of the best nights sleep - always counting the positives lol.  

I would like to be in control of my future and that's not to say i don't want my husband to be apart of it, i just don't want to be continuously dragged backwards and have no say as to whether i am happy with it or not.  Right now its a case of tough this is what it is and you have to accept it - i did this the first few times and now i am strong enough to say NO. no more.

Good luck this afternoon, i hope you gain as much from it as i did 🙂   

Thanks b22024

I'm not at that place now it was just when I wasn't thinking right and thought there was no way out. But I won't do that again as its selfish on my kids but when your in that moment you really think everyone would be better off without you. It's not an easy thing for me to say but in this lockdown it's been very common for someone who can't see the clearing for the fog and I would like to get it out there so people know it's not the answer no matter what you feel at the time no life is worth any amount of money plus nothing is ever as bad as it seems