Square 1.

GemLou89, not sure if it's been mentioned already...

The National Domestic violence helpline is 0808 200 0247. The police can listen but they wear many hats & as much as they do care, they will walk out of your door into reams of paperwork & then onto the next job! The helpline will be able to lay down long terms plans rather than a quick fix of being told to go elsewhere for a night or an arrest where he is released the next day to come back & behave the same way all over again. His behaviour is unacceptable & we can make all the excuses in the world for 'us' but most of us never resorted to this! You can't be scared to live & this is what he is doing!

Never less of a coward could you be putting up with all of this & holding it together for the children. I can't give you marriage guidance but this is not healthy! I appreciate that the money is only a very small part of it but since he is unwilling to accept your help in this area, can you ensure he sends the housekeeping over to you when paid then is left to his own devices with the rest of his money! I manage my mum's money & it's exhausting hearing the lies about why it is needed this time!

Keep looking after you & your children, he will be back with his tail between his legs!

You are doing great, sending you support & strength - ODAAT

Hi GemLou89

🙁 🙁

Even though we had hoped he was going to attempt to change his ways, nothing has.

As Pangolin has said on a previous thread, there comes a time when enough is enough. We have all amphasised that you have to look after yourself as best you can. He cannot be looked after, his actions will probably only get worse before they get better ( if ever ).

I think the time has come for a stand. Anytime he is threatening to you, call the police. Don't muck around with him. A bully is only a bully for as long as nobody stands up to him. For me, I would give him the final ultimatum, GA and counselling, or get out and stay out!

PS I'm from Aus as you know, what is the phone number 111? Is it like the emergency number you call for police, fire etc but as Pangolin said non-critical needs?

As always, take care

Thankyou. The police asked if it would be ok for the domestic violence people to get in touch with me and I agreed. She said if anything they can give me advice. I've woken up this morning and im still exhausted. I don't know what today will bring and im anxious. I hope he went to his mum's because I'm always scared he'll do something stupid, his mental state wasn't good.

He kept saying he had rang the councillor but had not heard back, not sure this is true. He's smashed his phone up so no chance of actually knowing. He says he won't leave and that i'm selfish because I get to have the home and the children and he's got nothing.

The non emergency line is 101. I rang 999 last night as he was headbutting the glass panel on the door and I was scared he was going to put it through. I didn't put an official complaint in this time as he would have been arrested. All I had asked of him was to stay at his mum's and we'd talk today as his mood swings were scaring me. He's so irrational and thinks he can bully me for whatever he wants. He was even stomping his foot like a child. I would have rang his mum to come help but when I did last time she didn't bother and I had nobody else who could get to me to help.

I just hope today is more peaceful. He will probably ignore me and demand me to shut up if I try to speak to him. At this moment in time he cannot be helped and I know this deep down. I have to stop.

Hi GemLou89

So sorry to hear that you had to endure that last night.

He is not thinking rationally at all. Don't be afraid to ring the police again should you think the need arises.

Between the gambling and the booze, he is living in his own little nightmare. His own doing of course.

Gem I can't tell you what to do. It's a situation I have never experienced, but it is one that I wouldn't put up with. You have tried to help him. That is all that you could be expected to do. You don't have to live the nightmare with him.

Have you got a friend that can stay with you for a while? Someone who has a shoulder that you are happy to cry on. A bit of support and someone to talk with over a cuppa?

ODAAT suggested the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 200 0247, from what she says, it does sound as tho they would be a good/better option for you.

Best wishes and take care

Wal

Hi gem,

you've done all the right things. You can't do any more. He is a grown man and has to take control himself. He obviously needs help but from professionals now. Try not to worry yourself sick about where he is etc. Take today hour by hour. Keep busy and concentrate on your amazing children. Keep posting. X

The kids are staying at my sisters tonight so im going to hopefully have some time to tidy the house and relax. I am worried sick about where he is, my stomach is in knots as to if I did the right thing ringing the police. I nearly cried over burning the toast this morning and I didn't want to get up. If he is at his mum's she could have messaged me to let me know he was there, im not asking her because if she says no ill be even more worried sick. I don't want to live his nightmare anymore and I don't want his horrible addiction to bring us all down with him.

His mum just said he's off his face on vodka and thats this morning.She couldn't stop him and he's left. I'm in pieces.

Gem, I do hope you have all the doors locked and your phoe to hand, ready to call the police if he turns up. His addiction seems to be a terrible affliction for you and your kids and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and the kids. I think Womans Aid would be able to get you all into a place of safety and they would help you build a good, safe future life for you and your children. You are very well aware that he is addicted to gambling but please ask yourself how much you are addicted to him. I wish you well for you and your children safe future.

My children are and always will be my number on priority. I will not let them be in danger. It doesn't stop me worrying about what carnage he is causing or his wellbeing. He is the kids dad after all. I have the door locked and the kids are staying at my sisters house soon. The guilt is just laid on thick as to if id have just let him in none of this would be happening.

If youd let him in then who knows what wpould have happened.

This goes beyond a gambling partner, Mt P was aggressive and abusive verbally and quite terrifying. What you are describing here is worse, much worse and his gambling addiction is only one area of him being out of control. This is beyond anything I could have tolerated.

Stay safe, keep talking

I have contacted the police again and filed a report and explained what state he's in etc. Officers are coming to see me and they are on the look out for him now. I don't know if he's capable of harming himself, especially if he's drunk. I knew he would do something extreme to worry me xx

Hi GemLou89

Just back from my weekly fix at GA 🙂

As Pangolin has already said, don't second guess yourself. You don't know what would have happened if you had let him in.

You do what is right for you and your kids. He can fend for himself.

I know when I was gambling during my last couple of years, the anguish was unbelievable. Put that together with a keg of booze and a volatile temper and you have a recipe for disaster. That is where your husband is at the moment. Honestly I don't think he really cares at the moment what happens to him. The police don't seem to have worried him.

I do hope you have someone staying with you.

Take care

Thankyou 🙂

I had to file him missing with the state he was in and the threats on his own life. He strolled into his mum's hours later still drunk. All that stress and worry for nothing. He told the police he doesn't want any stuff from the house or any relationship with me. Glad he gets to call all the shots! The kids have gone to my sister's so im going to tidy the house and relax in peace. I have people at the other end of the phone. He's staying at his mum's and she's supposedly keeping him there. The police said if he comes causing trouble then to just call them again and he'll be arrested.

Try to have a calm evening and enjoy the peace and quiet. Don't hesitate to call the police again should the need arise. X

GemLou89,

I can't offer much more than I have on another thread. Apart from one last thing, which is, don't soften up and take him back. He's obviously not going to change his ways in a hurry and has his finger placed firmly on the self destruct button. He may well need serious professional help for his problems but that's not your responsibility.

You've shown mighty strength thus far so don't let him drag you any further down the rocky slope with him. There is excellent help and advice available for you (as others have suggested on the Forum. Take it and use it to your best advantage. There is a better life out there for you and your kids.

Take Care Now.