Struggling

Hi Emma

its positive that he told you. That to me shows that he knows he has a problem and wants your help. Of course he is going to have to attend the meetings and not just promise he will go. Have you heard of gam anon meetings? They are in the next room to GA but are for family and friends and you would be able to talk freely with people who understand and certainly won't judge. Would your husband be willing for you to take over the finances? It would give you control and peace of mind. As for trust, well that will have to be earnt back over time. You have done the right thing coming here- we've all been there, and we love to talk! I've had many a good rant on here. Wishing you all the best.

Trust your instincts...Not him! That amount of money proves that he is an active CG & if the past slip ups really were only a few hundred then this is proof of how progressive the disease is!

Some of the others will probably be along soon but my advice is to look after you! You are the innocent victim in all this! Never mind the judgment, that is on him so tell whoever you need to! Phone Gamcare get to Gamanon, make sure you are protected financially as well as you can be. You will need answers to your questions & also to get to the bottom of the debt (by checking his credit file) & maybe just maybe if he can prove that he is ready to really get help then you can start to trust him again but not with money!

Look after you - ODAAT

Many of us reach our rock bottom after difficult experiences and the desire to change for a compulsive gambler / problem gambler / addict needs to be purposeful. A long term approach is probably necessary.

Have you thought about having some counselling at the same time? Gamcare offers this normally free of charge. Get in touch. It can help to get a different point of view and expand ways that change may affect you too.

So thats the positive. It may happen but my experience as a gambler also says keep one eye open. I'm an addict and will always be whether i gamble or not. That being said through recovery, counselling, attending GA weekly for years now change is possible and many do turn their lives around.

So my experience says keep working on planning for the best but plan for the worst too. Having open communication with your partner and being clear what you can expect from each other. Its made a real difference in my family and while its not easy we all say its worth it.

With regard to talking to others you need the help too so dont worry about speaking to friends and family to get advice but understand many won't understand what gambling addiction is or the best way to treat it.

You could get in touch with Gamcare, GA, the National Gambling clinic to get more information

Hope this helps

Hi, Emma,

Nothing changes the fact that you have been catapulted into a disaster of his making. You need all the help you can get, from this forum, from the GamCare helpline, from GamAnon, from your family. We don't judge because we've all been there.

But at least he told you, that is a hopeful sign, although it's not enough by itself. Recovery involves honesty, financial transparency; active gambling involves continued lies, dishonesty, possibly theft. Telling you won't have been easy for him and if you look at the forums, many shy away from it, make excuses, think that they can stop without their other halves knowing. No honesty in that. My husband denied it to the bitter end and it made a bad situation much worse.

The sad fact is that although he may be trying to be honest now, late in the day, you still can't trust what he says about anything financial. You should only believe what you read in bank statements and credit reports, yours and his. As Half Life advises, get credit reports from all three credit reference agencies for you and for him. Then you can both see what the damage is. Stepchange can advise on managing the debt. You may consider taking legal advice or advice from the CAB.

Other immediate measures are to cancel his bank cards and you keep the new ones, to prevent deposits to on line betting sites. He should give you full access to his banking, including on line. However, do not give him access to anything of yours. He cannot be trusted with your passwords.

All devices should have blocking software installed. Not all mobiles are easy to block effectively and the safest is a non Internet version. He should close down all accounts and permanently self exclude. Unsubscribe to all emails.

He will need help - counselling and or GA. Also, the addiction thrives on secrecy so it would be better if his family know as well, the more out in the open it is, the more acknowledged as a problem, the easier.

If you see these measures in full and permanently, it indicates that he's serious about going into recovery and staying there. But if you get half measures and lip service, promises but no action, excuses about why he needs to keep his bank cards or his phone, if he wants to retain control of his money, if he's still secretive, then in my experience that would mean he's still active.

My experience is that living with an addict in recovery is manageable. Not easy, not what I expected when I married him but manageable. We're nowhere near balanced yet but I wouldn't go back to living with an active addict.

Hope this helps, take care.

CW