Emotional Abuse

as67, keep strong! I can't imagine how impossibly hard this is for you 🙁 Despite what he says, this is domestic abuse because you are in fear of him & no-one deserves that, least of all a parent, from a child they have nurtured! If you are feeling vulnerable, why don't you give the National Domestic Violence Helpline (Refuge) a call, 0808 2000 247...If nothing else, they will assure you that you are correct in what you are saying to him!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Hello,

Sorry to hear what's happened but agree that tough love is the best way to go. Look after yourself.

CW

Will be thinking of you, glad you have found and shared the knowledge of how to endure times like these, keep talking

Thanks everyone

I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place and as hard as it is I know we have made the right decision.

At the moment my son is not talking to us at all not even mumbling under his breath as he often does, and hes staying out of our way so at least its peaceful for the moment.

Ive had a feeling for a long time that ultimately we were going to have live a part and not be in each others lives at all so I cant say Im really suprised its came to this, but that doesnt make it any easier. This feels more like grief than ever, I distract myself and busy myself as best I can then I remember and my heart sinks. The idea of not having our son in our lives is unbearable to me but we've had to weigh up whats worse, living like we do now or him leaving and getting some peace back in our lives.

ODATT thank you, my counsellor has given me that phone number along with some others that I might need. We have told our son that we will not hesitate to call the police if he shows any kind of threatening behaviour at all. Is it wrong of me that part of me wants him to do something where I need to call the Police I think a night in the cells would do him good, he needs a reality check. I feel very guilty for thinking that.

Whatever happened about the court case? I was hoping that something would have come from that. The 'boot up the backside' that I think he needs.

I think at all times you have had your son's interests foremost. So, no, I don't think you are wrong, or should feel guilty about thinking a night in the cells would do him good. I do too. 🙂

Stay strong

Hi Wal

Ive no idea what happened about the court case, when I asked him about it he wouldnt answer, Im guessing hes probably came to an arrangement with the debt collection agency to try and hold them off for a while . This same debt collection company writes to him at least once a week (recognise the envelope and return address) so it hasnt gone away. His post is still mounting up every week and is added to the big pile of companies demanding their money.

Weve told him he has to face his debt, it wont go away, and Ive lived in fear of debt collectors now for so long Im not so bothered any more infact I think Id probably welcome them in to the house so he has to face them.

He lives in a fantasy world, his life is in chaos, his relationship with us is in the toilet, has lots of debt yet only a few weeks ago he told me he was saving up for holiday to treat both him and his girlfriend as they need to "de stress a little " The idea of him saving anything is incredulous, his wages barely hit his bank account before they're gone on gambling. I cant repeat what my response was to him that day 😮

I love him so much and Im going to worry about him where ever he may be, but I know nothing short of a big kick up the behind is going to bring him back to reality.

So sorry to hear as67. I know its the right thing to do but still hurts so much! My son has had 3 slips/relapses since March and some days I feel like I will lose my mind! It's so difficult watching yet each time really does drive home the fact that it is all up to them. He does go to GA but I think because of his age and life experiences hasn't quite got the "working of the program". On a good note my husband and I are less rattled by the slips and our first reaction is not to "fix" anymore. I just wish I knew when this was going to end... I feel way older and tired than I should!!

You're doing great as67 and as always hugs to you!! I am off for a glass of wine with some gal pals which always puts me if a better mood!

XOXO

Cathy

Thanks Amom

Sending you hugs too, its awful and does feel like its never going to end. Like you theres days when I wonder how to keep a hold on my sanity but knowing Im not on my own and with the support of yourself and everyone here I still manage to hang on to it, only just though some days. I must add I have the most fantastic counsellor too.

I wish I could say its all well and good here but unfortunatley the last 24 hours have been sheer hell. It was all quiet and our son was stayng out of way until I asked him to tidy his mess and he refused. My husband usually a calm quiet man lost his cool and said thats it we cant keep going like this and told him he had to leave today and all hell broke loose. It was the straw that broke the camels back, seemingly very little to get upset about it just goes on and on and tempers fray very quickly now.My husband was shoved to the floor and they ended up rolling around the floor fighting it got very nasty and I had no option but to call 999 thankfully the Police were here quickly but by this point our son had ran off. Ive no idea where he is a this moment.

They said there was little they could do but if he came back and refused to leave or got violent to call them straight back. He will not be allowed back in and as he has nowhere to go hes going to have sleep on the streets.

We have no other option, if hes allowed back in this could happen again and we cant risk that.

The Mum side of me wants nothing more than to go looking for him and bring him home and tell him its going to be alright, but that means this never ends. This is the point where we have to be extra tough and brave , he needs to hit rock bottom, we are hoping a few nights on the streets gives him that reality check he desperately needs. I do worry that now he will threaten to hurt himself and the Police know our concerns. Theres nothing more we can do for him.

Rather than sit here crying any more we're going out for a walk and try not to think of him for just a while.

My heart breaks for you and your husband. I think only somebody who has gone thru this can relate to hating your child so much yet at the same time just crying as you love them so much! It's so difficult and yet all we can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next "right" thing as they say.

I know it feels desperate at the moment as67 but I pray with all my heart that our boys will make it out the other side of this hell! There is always hope and thats what I cling to! I hope you had a nice walk.

Hi Amom

The walk was good, it was a beautiful warm day we went to the park, watched the world go by and ate ice cream, very simple thing to do but lovely.

Today Im trying hard not to think about him so Im going to spend the afternoon with a friend who always makes me feel better.

I dont want to think about tomorrow or the next day or what might or might not happen, its as you say just one foot in front of the other.

I hope you have a good day and your son is doing better.

XOXO

Hi as67

Very sad to read about the altercation with your son.

The sad truth is that he is still ignoring the reality of the situation. You cannot alter his mindset. It is totally focused on his gambling. I have no doubt that his 'Dreamworld' is surely going to topple very soon. I only hope that when it does, that it does provide the 'kick in the backside' that we have been talking about.

Hugs from OZ

Awful. Stand firm with your husband, you can get each other through this awful endurance test, the thought of a physical attack from your own child is too much for most parents to even contemplate let alone work through, you are heroes in my eyes.

Thank you Pangolin

Ive spoken to my counsellor today and he said that what we have lived with is domestic abuse and we are going through a grieving process and that describes it exactly, I feel totally heart broken it feels like a physical ache.

Ive been told by a family member that our son is safe and is very angry with us and as usual blames me and his dad for everything that is wrong in his life, but I dont care what he thinks any more.

We will never live together again even if he was to get well and turned into the most saintly person around, hes going to have to stand on his own two feet. My hope is that in time he will of calmed down and we can try and rebuild our relationship, thats his choice, Im not running after him and Im done with trying to help and understand.

I never thought in a million years this could possibly happen we were a happy family once, and the "what might of happened" at the weekend fils me with moments of panic, as my counsellor said what if one punch had been a devastating one.

I have the feeling that he thinks he'll just come home when he decides but hes in for a huge shock, his room is being packed up ready for him to collect his things, this makes it more real to me.

On a positive note our house feels like a home again, the continual air of tension has gone and it feels peaceful and wonderful and I wouldnt trade that feeling for anything.