When is enough enough?

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(@pls870xhmy)
Posts: 1
Topic starter
 

Hi everyone,

Very new here and at the end of my tether.

My partner has been gambling our entire relationship, 7 years and many years before that but it turns out he was secretly gambling way more than I knew about for the last 2 years and things finally come to heads a few months ago when he reached rock bottom and his mum told me he'd blown all our family savings, plus large chucks of his monthly earnings 2 weeks before we were due to take our children on holiday. We couldn't afford our rent and had been struggling for months before this and now are in huge amounts of debt because of having to borrowing money to survive and not disappoint our children. He was adamant he was going to get help and we stayed together and have been trying to work on things, then he starts again so we went through all the upset again and I have found out again he's gambling again.

I can't take anymore pressure, I'm desperately attempting to holding our lives together and I just don't know I have it in me to work through all the lies and deceit again. It's the same story of he's getting help and we try work through things only for him to gamble again and it's always at the family's expense. How do you know when to walk away or if it's worth fighting for their recovery? I love him to pieces but I am on my knees at breaking point and I just don't know how to keep trying.

So when is enough enough?

Thanks, a very heartbroken woman. 

 
Posted : 2nd July 2024 11:24 pm
Tazman
(@tazman)
Posts: 365
 

Im really sorry to hear what u are going through, has he got any blocks in place is he seeking any therpy for his illness, he needs to hand over finances and he needs to be completely honest with for it to work, the truth is he can improve but he needs want to change he needs to be honest with u and you will have to manage his finances, relapses do happen you need to protect yourself at all cost i'm currently on day 358 coming up to a year but i cannot say never again, it the hardest addiction to have and am fortunate i dont have a wife and kids to support its really a tough one, are your finances separate? 

 
Posted : 3rd July 2024 12:48 am
(@287hzyl0pq)
Posts: 58
 

I'm going to be frank 

 

You need to leave him now for your own sanity 

 
Posted : 3rd July 2024 1:10 am
(@j5a6meyr4z)
Posts: 328
 

Hi there.

I feel so sorry for you and your children right now. None of the above is yours or your children’s fault. I am only assuming that your husband has not and never has had, any gambling blocks in place?? It sounds to me like only if/when this happens, you will start to see some financial changes for the better.

Have you spoken to him about gambling blocks, asked to see his bank account etc. If not, I think this cycle may just continue on a downward spiral.

It must feel so hard when you love him so much but as you said you are at the end of your tether and on your knees so now it is time to look after and protect YOU. Please have that chat with him. Give him the ultimatum- all gambling blocks and access to his money/bank account or he could lose you for good.

Wishing you the very best. 🙏.

Pink Lady🩷🍎.

 
Posted : 3rd July 2024 5:13 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 225
 

Hi and welcome to the forum. This is a great place to get advice and knowledge so you can make the decision that is right for you. I’ll be honest and frank, I was the partner in your situation 3 months ago. I was keeping things secret, hiding debts away and basically not paying any attention to my wife. In my (and your partners) defence, it was I controllable. I came clean to my wife, but I did it properly. Bank statements, credit reports, everything laid bare. I needed help and I knew the only way I could get it was to do this. My wife decided that she couldn’t stay with me. I’m a risk, financially, and from a trust point of view. I can 100% say that the only trust issue she should have been concerned about was money. I was honest about everything else and would never have done anything to risk our relationship with anything else. I also had no interest in anything else. That’s the thing with gambling. It’s consumed you and you forget everything else, partner, children, family. 

Roll on 3 months, I’ve taken all the help available to me, put blocks in place, started a diary, attended GA meetings. I did offer to hand over finances and I would have, but I’m coping without that. 

So what am I saying you should do? Ultimately that’s your choice and it will depend on his decisions. If he is not 100%, and I mean 100%, this is a no go for you and this will happen again. I entered this 100% and even after losing my family I’m still 100%. Could he commit like that? I wanted to beat this so badly that I risked and ultimately lost my family and home to achieve it. I’m still going strong. You really do need that commitment to beat this. Your question to him should be that. Will he give up everything to beat this? If not, I’m afraid you will be hurt again. If he is willing to go at it full throttle, you can have a happy relationship once again. The trust will be gone for a long time, and you both have to accept that. It will be tough, but it can be done.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best with however this moves on. 

 
Posted : 3rd July 2024 7:27 pm
(@auntieannie1)
Posts: 2
 

Hi

like the others have said there needs to be blocks. You need full control of bank accounts. And all his money. I was in this for 20 years and even then they still make you get loans and credit cards.  You feel guilty if you don’t help them. My husband would go quiet on me for months then only be nice to me when he wants money. We spend 100s of thousands on this. All the time my husband working so much over time and a side hustle at the weekends.  Honestly is draining.  He has now started to take money from our 19 year old son. If you think he won’t change then get out before he affects his children. I finally separated from my husband and he still sometimes asks for money…. I know my husband will never change… I’m 44 now and I have wasted the best years of my life trying to fight for my marriage, only to be on my own now. You have a lot to think about 

x

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 7:20 pm
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