Will we ever be happy again? Deeply heartbroken

Hi,

I have just recently joined the site. I have been a compulsive gambler for over ten years and this is probably the first time I have really tried to stop. I have always told myself I can stop once I had lost my money but never took any actions to prevent myself from gambling again, thinking I could just manage on will power alone. My wife found out about my huge gambling debt a few years back when she found a loan statement. I think my relationship can relate to yours as I have a decent enough job that we have still had a good life while I have been trying to repay all my debts....although I have still been gambling. But in my opinion, from a gamblers perspective, if your partner has taken these steps to prevent himself from gambling again then it is a good sign and I'm sure your support will help him on his road to recovery.

The fact that he did not use your money or any money you have built up together, to me shows he is just an honest man struggling with this horrible illness.

I never used to want to tell myself this was an illness before as I felt this was just me giving myself a free pass and an easy reason as to why I couldn't stop. But now I totally view this as an illness, especially when you read so many stories of self destruction.

With regards to keeping his problem between the two of you, this is something I really respect, something my wife has also done, as one thing I would hate would be for more people to know as I would feel that I would just be quickly judged by friends and family who dont understand.

As to whether you can trust him again....that decision will be entirely down to you.

I would be happy to talk if you would are looking for a perspective of another gambler trying to recover.

NW

Ahh that's a lovely message to my post, thank you.

I just feel like I can't make him happy enough to stop it? Me and our children aren't good enough to make him want to stop.

He did it three years ago but was my money and then walked out, didn't want help, we split up for a year.

I am just in utter shock he has done it again as I really trusted him, I've always been insecure and paranoid but when we got back together we both really changed. But invisibly not that much.

Thanks

You really shouldn't feel that its anything to do with you not being able to make him happy. I can tell you from experience, you can have a very happy and healthy relationship but this does not stop someone from gambling. I know I have a great wife and thats what annoys me so much when I return to gambling so often as I feel I am letting her down. Your husband may tend to get very defensive and turn on you at times if you try to quiz him about it. It is just such a hard thing to talk about if you are a compulsive gambler as you know how much it may be damaging yourself and your family. I know I have done the same whenever my wife has asked me if I am still gambling.

I know this doesn't really help you in terms of what actions to take but hopefully help you understand how his mindset might be.

NW

Morning,

Sorry to hear what's happened.

re trust, it's a fallacy that love (what remains of it after the betrayals) and trust are interlinked. They're better separated. You may trust the bank clerk to deal with your account lawfully but that doesn't mean that you love the bank clerk. You may love your husband but you have found out the hard way that it is unwise to trust someone who has not earnt your trust. And trust is not some sort of reward that's awarded for good behaviour and taken away for bad, trust does not influence an addicts' decision to use. Instead, what you should trust and rely on is your own instincts. Do not rely on what he tells you, in financial terms, check via bank statements, credit reports etc. And make no apology for your refusal to trust him, he hasn't earnt your trust.

None of this is a licence to check up and interrogate. It won't help. If he's going to use and lie, he'll do it regardless of what questions you ask.

The harsh truth is that nothing comes between an active addict and the next bet/drink etc. Not the wife, the family, no one. He places the bets and only he can choose to stop and seek help. You can't do it for him and it's not your responsibility to do so, it's his. Clearing up his mess and saving him from himself is fine if he were a toddler but he's not. He's supposed to be an equal life partner.

Focus on you and how best to deal with the effect that he's having on you. Call the helpline, go to GamAnon meetings, get counselling, take the help and support that's out there for you.

Take care of you.

CW

Thanks both.

Woke up extremely sad and low today, I'm 5 months pregnant too. I just feel very alone. I'm always such a busy person and always doing things but today I don't even want to get dressed.

I have contacted gamcare and been referred for counselling.

Hi

Sorry to see this. The prospect of relapse is always at the back of our minds. That said constantly thinking about it and worrying about it will drive you slowly insane. It's his responsibility to comply with what you need to feel secure and his repsonsibility to do everything he can to eliminate his access to gambling.

It's a good sign that he's told you rather than you finding out and it means you can take every step you need to to minimise any damage should he fall by the wayside again.

Personally speaking I intend to have full control of the finances indefinitely. Mr L is on board with that. He has as much inut as ever into purchases but he's never going to have and doesn't actually want unscrutinised access to the finances again. I don't trust him financially and he accepts it's his actions that have caused that. He's done Gamcare counselling and he goes to GA weekly. That's where he gets support and understanding from those who get it in a way I never will.

He can live a normal life but he has to want it more than he wants another bet and then he has to keep on wanting it. You need to put yourself and the children first. Read everything you can so you know what you're up against and get some RL support. Take care of you.