Wish I could rewind to two days ago....

Demented. Keep talking and getting support for yourself. Take the focus off of your husband and on to yourself. If you have a Gam Anon group nearby you could find some real life support?

The hardest thing about living with a compulsive gambler is that your entire world changes and there is not a lot you can do about it. The best thing you can do it "control the things you can".... that is looking after yourself and your 1.5 kids.

Please keep reaching out.

Cathyx

Hi Demented,

It was lovely to see you tonight. Keep coming back.

Can I say something gentle to you, and only because I am walking in these shoes, can I even dare say it to you. You were not happy, there is no perfection, and I think that is where your bubble has burst so horribly for you. I thought I was happy, I thought I had it all, but why was I pouring £££'s into a FOBT machines, of money that I had worked so hard for. Because deep down I am not happy. Your partner isn't happy, or there is some underlying thing that is driving him to gamble. Life is full of up's and does. But some one told me today, when life gives yoi lemon's, slice them up for a Gin and tonic, or lemonade if you not a drinker (personally I like a nice gin and lemon). You need to work with your husband as a unit, and help me seek support. He needs professional intervention, he needs counsellling, he needs everything to throw at gambling, to set him free from it. You need some help as well, and am so pleased that you have booked on for some counselling. Stick with that and keep your chin up lady.

Keep checking in, gambling adddiction can be lonely for the family/partners/friends of those involved.

Julie x

Morning,

I'd also question this idea of perfection. Perfect spouse or parent, perfect happiness, all sounds unattainable. My husband is not and never has been a perfect husband and father, far from it, but he makes a decent effort now. And in my experience (two of each), my children are no more perfect than I am. Especially at one thirty in the morning, toddler or teenager. We're human. I read somewhere that human imperfection is a whole lot more comfortable than inhuman perfection, you might want to lower your standards?

You may have been content before you knew again but if he had been gambling, he'd have been behaving accordingly - distance, mood swings, erratic? And he's not a perfect spouse or partner, he has lied to you and stolen from you, possibly charmed you as well.

There are many posts questioning why addicts self destruct when they are in a good set up, haven't seen any conclusive answers. It's not you, remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. I agree with a lot of Julie's post but don't interpret it as meaning that you have to fix everything. You can fix you but he has to fix him. If you can fix yourselves such that you still have a common goal and you want to stay together, all good but nothing's easy.

Keep the focus on you, on how best to care for you and the children, how best to deal with the effect that he's having on you.

Take care,

CW

Morning All,

Maybe i worded that wrong, we weren't perfect but we had no worries and life was ticking along nicely. Been the most settled we have ever been.

It's the mornings which are the worst for me. He works nights so I wake up to him asleep and it's just lonely.

He has said he will do anything he needs to do to make this better. He was the one that has suggested the things that have already been put in place. Me having the bank cards and money, the counselling.

I just want to feel happy again, will I? Can this get better? Does anyone have any success stories from a family/friend point of view. Xx

Hi, again,

I wonder if you did word it wrong, we tend to say what we're thinking? Perhaps something to consider, maybe in counselling but it's not a stick to beat yourself up with now. None of this is your fault, you haven't said or done or not said and done something to cause the gambling.

Can you get to GamAnon meetings to get real life support from those in a similar position?

re happiness, a few thoughts. Not, sorry, that my husband stopped gambling (he has), we stayed together (we have so far) and all is rosy. It's not because the issues, his and (I suppose) mine, are still there and affecting things.

Happiness comes from within. You can be in a relationship with another person but it's not healthy for their happiness or state of mind to determine yours. Part of the GamAnon message for living with someone else's gambling is learning to be more self sufficient, doing things for yourself, having your own attitudes and opinions, not being consumed by the gambler's problems. The other aspect is that the problems took a long time to come about and improving your situation is equally long term, it takes a lot of effort and commitment. Take one day at a time, find something nice to do for yourself today. Doesn't need to cost, quite literally smelling the roses counts.

Take care of you.

CW

PS it took three tries to convince Capcha that I am not a robot.

Hi Demented

Short answer is yes, it's possible to feel happy again BUT for me a big part of that is making as certain as I can (we can never be 100% they're not gambling again) that Mr L can't devastate everything we've worked for behind my back as he did twice over.

I used to obsess about whether he was doing it again or but I had to make myself stop. The truth is if they want to they will find a way. If you want to salvage your marriage (not everyone does and that's absolutely fine and understandable too) the way forward is to work on the things you can fix. Practical measures like looking after the finances, not taking out debt on his behalf,severing every financial connection you can and getting everything you can into your sole name. Look into counselling and RL support for yourself. Read up everything you can and take tips from that.

It's for him to work on the other stuff - why he gambled, what he can do to stop (with your support for certain things like setting passwords and managing finances), looking into debt repayment strategies and looking for support geared to him.

It's all very daunting at the beginning but as things settle it fades into the background and it becomes the new normal.

It certainly is a rollercoaster isn't it!

I felt organised and in control yesterday. We even laughed!

I have the bank cards and online banking....he got paid so had to go in and transfer money about and of course then I could see the real extent of it. b****5, stars, w**********l 🙁 I could see some credits which I was shocked about but it's just horrible to physically see and now feel down again.

First counselling session for me Friday and he has next week.