Hi,
This is my first post but looking for support and advice.
My husband has always had a gambling problem I just never realised the extent of it until recently. About 18 months ago I caught him out with a debt I knew nothing about following a search on my credit file, at the time I asked him to seek help he said he would but he never did. As the years have gone by he has become distant and not looking after himself. In january I found another letter from a pay day loan company which I settled for him. At the time I asked him if there was anything else and he said no!! Less than a month later he admited to his gambling problem which resulted in a 3k debt (on top of everything else) he is actually getting help with it now. This is the first time he has ever seemed to put a foot in the right direction as he has previously not done it before.
My issue is I just dont know what to do for the best, the lies, the deceit, I dont trust him any more and ultimatly I have my mental and financial security to think about not to mention our beautiful 3 year old. I have declared a separation from him and we live separately under the same roof but this isnt giving me time or space to think about everything and put things in to perspective. I dont know if I will ever be able to trust him again and I need to put our child's security first. I have even asked for a refferal for counselling too in the hope of trying to make sense of it all. I feel very trapped, alone and betrayed by a man I loved! He refuses to talk and see it from my point of view, and whilst my family are supporting me I feel like they are making me feel I am in the wrong for leaving him and there is more to it.
Can trust ever be rebuilt? can couples come through it? will the man I married ever come back?
Sorry for the rambling post i am just wanting to hear from others in my situation as I just dont know what to do.
Hi ELW
It's 100% fine not to trust him financially. I have full financial control and access to anything I want to see at any time and while Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he asks (he never does) he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. If your husband is serious about recovery he will understand the lack of trust and acknowledge that it's his actions alone that have caused it.
Your family aren't living the nightmare and probably don't have any idea of the reality of living with a CG. It would be good if they were to educate themselves on where an unadressed gambling addiction can and regularly does lead before making you feel bad for correctly putting yourself and your child first.
A gambling addiction can be arrested - not cured- and the gambler can live an entirely normal life albeit avoiding placing that first bet which will lead to disaster but they have to want it and then keep on wanting it. It's not an easy road but it is doable. It's their battle though, not ours.
Thank you Lethe, As i am reading through the threads trying to make sense of everything, my situation identifies with what most of us are going through. Like you say people have no idea what it is like to live with a CG and its blinking hard work. We had a good talk last night and somehow mustered the courage to make him listen to me, my feelings and how this is impacting me and our child. He seemed to be trying to blame me for his actions which I guess is how CG's justify their actions, whilst what he mentioned is true such as watching the pennies to give us a better life and get out of debt how he saw that was it will be fine I will win big soon and it will be fine or everything he does is not good enough.The words he used was he feels like a failure. Once I start the counselling i am hoping i will be able to get a better handle on my life and how I am dealing with this situation and which way to go for the best.
What I do know is at the moment I have no emotion or feeling towards him other than anger.
Hi again
Blaming you is classic CG manipulation. If it's your fault it's not his but the fact is he has always had the choice to start doing what it takes to limit his access to gambling and the funds it takes. He hasn't done either because he hasn't wanted to give up. Sadly talking to him won't have any effect either until he does although they are adept at telling us what we want to hear and playing up the self pity.
The big win that will put everything right is another myth they'll use to justify gambling. It won't happen and even if it did the whole lot would be back with the bookies probably along with more of his own funds in the blink of an eye. They can't win because they can't stop.
Protect your finances and carry on putting yourself first. You can't trust anything he says without seeing proof of it for yourself so don't. Try and educate yourself about what you're up against and see if you can get some RL support from friends, Gamanon or counselling via Gamcare which is free.
Look after yourself. It's very easy to get consumed by it all and start taking on responsibilities and worries which by rights are his.
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