hi, not sure if I'm even in the right place. My husband began online gambling about 6 years ago, was totally hooked in, he was given free bets by companies. We have spoken many times as we struggle money wise and he says he won't do it. Then there's £5 here and £10 there to all different accounts. He doesn't spend thousands and we are not in debt due to it, however we are in debt and trying to save for a house and have no money. He spends £200 a month roughly. A few weekends ago he eventually told me that it was my fault he gambled as I don't give him enough affection. I am exhausted we are both chronically sleep deprived due to our son, I was physically sick that I drive the man I love to be doing this. We spoke and thought we had it sorted. Now he's at it again and I've told him how bad I feel each time as it's my fault and I don't know how to fix it. I've asked if he feels there's a problem and he says no gamblers spend thousands, I thought gamblers spent what they couldn't afford which is where we are at. He constantly tells me he's shutbthe accounts then today yet another new one has appeared. I don't know how to help, if to help. Thanx for reading my novel
Hi 1979tipple
I am a CG and from what you have said so is your husband, even though he denies he has a problem my gut feeling is that he has got a problem. £200 a month doesn't seem a lot to the majority of people but probably is a lot when you say you are saving for a house where every penny counts. Gamblers don't spend what they can afford by the way we spend what we can get our hands on monetary wise. Your husband blaming you for not showing him any effection, which he says has led him to gambling is a trait of all CG, we look to blame others when it's ourselves all along we are just looking for excuses. There will be reasons why your husband gambles but I'm not a councillor and maybe he needs councilling to find out these reasons ? Why don't you take control of his cards then that way he can't open anymore accounts or even put blocking software on your laptop. Hope I may of helped a bit and hope you can get sorted.
All the Best
Darren
Hi 1979
Sorry to see this. Life with an active CG is exhausting. First thing to say is theres is absolutely nothing you have said or done to 'make' him gamble. That's classic CG manipulation. If it's your fault it's not his but that's not the case. He has and has always had the choice to start doing what it takes to address this. He just doesn't want to.
You can't fix him. Only he can do that and he has to want to but that said you do have a choice in deciding how much lying, deceit and manipulation you're prepared to put up with. He may not have got you into debt yet (to be sure of this it would be a very good idea to check his credit reports with all three agencies) but it's a progressive addiction and a gambler running up huge amounts of debt behind family backs is very far from unknown.
Decide where your lines in the sand are and what you want then stick to it. If he tries to manipulate you or balks at whatever it is you need him to do to feel secure, be wary. Think about what you want need and deserve from a partner and protect your own interests. Put yourself first. Unless and until he stops you're the only one who will.
Hi 1979, haven't anything to add to what others have said, just wanted you to hear again 'it is not your fault'. You need to make sure you look after yourself and your little one.
Thankyou for replying have a lot to think about now, I didn't realise it may not actually be my fault. will have a chat with him once I have decided what I really want and see what he really wants and go from there as he doesn't think he has a problem at all. I only think he has one as he can't seem to stop, we talk he says he won't do it again, it happens again and we go round in circles. Thanx again will see if he thinks he may have a problem with some of the info from here and go from there
Hi,
My husband is a CG and what we f&f go through is damaging to the sanest. Which is not me.
In what way, precisely, do your actions or responses remove his freedom of choice such that he is forced to bet against his will? Do you stand over him with a gun and insist that he logs into his account, decides what to bet on and bets? Do you threaten to harm something or someone unless he places the bet immediately? You're apparently not affectionate enough? Does he earn your love and affection by insisting on a behaviour that is destructive all round regardless of your protests? And if you were to spend the whole of your time expressing your adoration for him, would it be enough?
Actually, the person who places the bets is him and the only person who can stop him placing the bets is him. You can't stop placing bets for him, no matter what you say or do. Be very clear about that and pass the responsibility back to him. "If you choose to gamble that is your choice and you are responsible for it". "I am only responsible for what I do, you have to take responsibility for your decision to gamble."
A word of warning: as you read up on the addiction and become better informed and stronger, he won't like it. He won't like you realising that his betting is not your fault. Be prepared for more flack and manipulation.
On the same theme, telling him that his gambling is not your fault and that he has a problem won't get you far. You'll get a headache from banging your head against the brick wall of his denial. Instead of worrying about him, move your focus over to you and keep it there. Your problem is not how to stop him (you can't), your problem is the effect he's having on you. Read the forum so you know what to expect, call the helpline, go to GamAnon. Get help and support for you so that you can make the best decisions for you.
Take care,
CW
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