Hello
I have a long and somewhat rambling tale to tell, followed by an open plea for advice and support, so I apologise in advance for its size which will undoubtedly put many people off. Writing is probably one of the few things that comes quite naturally to me and thus I am often guilty of 'belabouring the point'. I did want to include as much detail as possible though and really try to convey my stress and concern regarding my current situation (which I will come to later).
So to begin, as a lifelong gambler and someone who has pumped just about every penny of cash and credit available to him into gambling over the 34 years of his life, I've recently reached what I see as being a whole new and terrifying level of compulsion whereby I actually feel as though I'm suffering from a split-personality disorder, or something of that nature. There is a part of my mind that seems to be working almost entirely independantly of the rational, sensible side, and it just to wants to gamble constantly and at absolutely any cost.
I am in an extremely deep hole at this point in time, currently into the 4th year of a 5 year IVA and with only a few month left to go until I am due to complete, but seemingly hellbent on sabotaging everything. I am being thrown lifelines by those that care about me and I am just frittering them away in a manner that simply dismays me, and yet I just can't seem to stop.
Before I get into my current nightmare, I'll provide a bit of background. I've always been drawn towards gambling and my journey is about as conventional as you can get, starting small on pub fruit machines, moving onto football and horses, then casinos, online gambling and pretty much anything else within reach. My achilles heel has always been the slots though, they deeply appeal to some part of my brain and have a particularly intense hold over me that nothing else in this world seems to have. I can spend hours transfixed before them and there was never any doubt that I would move over from the relatively friendly pub fruity to the ruthless and brutal 'section 16' random machines when they were released.
This was where the trouble REALLY began and I started to lose large sums regularly. I found them incredibly compulsive and they were able to completely bypass the 'circuit breaker' in my head that would kick into gear if I found myself about to do something potentially dangerous or irrational. I'd see myself, almost from outside my own body, inserting the last £20 note in my wallet leaving me unable to get home, not just once or twice but again and again. I racked up big debts (£10k+), paid them off, racked them up again, and so on. I've got a reasonably good job (accountancy, yeah the irony is not lost on me), but my wages could never cope with my compulsion to play these machines and I applied for every credit card and loan I could find.
One of the hardest things for me to get my head around is that I always knew there was only one winner in the long run. If a machine pays out 92% on average over the course of its lifetime, or even 99.9%, who is going to emerge the winner at the end? I mean, they actually TELL you that you cannot win in the long run! But of course the problem with these hellish things is that every spin, ANY spin, maybe even the very next spin, could be the one that drops the jackpot. Anyone who has played these things a lot will also tell you that they will have had actual personal experiences of their last pound magicallly spinning in a huge win, saving them a massive loss and making everything (temporarily) alright again.
These experiences reinforce the compulsion. The memories of the countless heartbreaking, devastating losses, literally hundreds and hundreds of them, seem foggy and vague to recollect, whereas the memories of the big wins burn bright and vividly in your mind. It really is like being hypnotised or posessed, as though the machines emit some kind of poisonous nerve agent that compells you to play them against all your better instincts.
Any road, the last big 'crisis point' was amassing total debts of about £25k (in a single year incidentally), and my only choice was to enter into an IVA, the threat of bankruptcy looming large in the background. This forced me to limit (but not stop) my gambling. Having a credit rating as toxic as the soil beneath the Fukushima plant at least prevented me from spending money that wasn't mine, and I slowly started to be able to understand the value of 'money' in real terms again, something I was increasingly unable to do towards the end (throwing away thousands of pounds on a whim and certainly giving no thought on how long I'd have to work to pay it back). So the addiction remained, I just didn't have the means to feed it to the extent I once did. Having responsibilities such as a mortgage and utility bills also helped (although thank God no kids), at least for a while, but if you KNOW in the back of your mind that you're not going to be kicked out by missing a single mortgage payment, eventually the time will come where you gamble that money and find yourself in that exact scenario.
Of course this also escalates, why bother paying the electricity? Dodge their calls, ignore the letters and just pay it next month. Payday loan? Yeah why not, the solicitors will never know and I'm sure I'll pay it off easily next month. I'm extremely resourceful when it comes to obtaining funds, especially when the need to gamble arises and eventually an untouchable credit score wasn't enough to prevent me from racking up the debts again. This brings me roughly to my present situation, but over the last few days things have begun to spiral into realms of frightening, uncontrollable and almost psychotic behaviour. I will relate this situation to you now.
Over the last week I finally confessed my problems to my Mum, explained that I was months behind on the payments for my mortgage, my short term payday loans (which technically in an IVA I'm not even allowed), and that I was in a state of deep distress and panic. My Mum was incredibly sympathetic and immediately offered to lend me the money, every penny, to cover my arrears. During an email conversation with her she stated that she hated the thought of me being in distress, would do anything to help me and just wished I'd approached her sooner. I actually broke down in tears when I read this and I'm not a man who readily expresses his emotions. I was so ashamed at my actions and at the knock-on effect they were having on her, causing her great anxiety at a situation entirely of my own making (while she incidentally is recovering from surgery and has enough problems of her own to deal with).
She immediately trasferred £2,000 so I could start to pay off the debts and promised to transfer a further £3,000 once she had cashed in her ISA. Big, big mistake. While I managed to pay about £1k of debts off, incredibly I actually started gambling again (God only knows why) and had soon lost every remaining penny of that £2k. In my never-ending stupidity (as if I haven't learnt this lesson enough times now), I tried to win it all back once I received the remaining £3k during the course of a terrible, nerve-shredding night where I gambled for about 8 hours solid, right through until the morning. I lost the whole lot.
I was not just vaguely contemplating suicide at this point, I was calmly considering the logisitics of it and how best to proceed. The thoughtlessness of my actions just blew my mind, I couldn't even consider them objectively, they were the actions of a madman. I knew that I couldn't inflict my death on my poor family though, they had already told me that they couldn't even bear to contemplate that scenario, so I was simply going to have to carry on my stupid existance no matter how much I wanted it to end. With the heaviest heart imaginable, I once again called my M
um and explained the unthinkable things I had done.
She was shocked of course, more at the severity of my addiction than at the financial loss I think. Immediately I made an offer to sign over ownership of my flat to her, which after 8 years of payments and a rise in housing prices I have built up at least some equity. I wanted her to have something tangible in exhange for the money she'd loaned me and had nothing else to offer. After some discussions, she once again agreed to front whatever money I needed (incredibly generous) and add it to my existing debt. We are up to almost £10k now and I do need to make it clear that while not badly off, my family do not have unlimited funds at their disposal by a long stretch.
The conditions that we both agreed on were that she wouldn't transfer another lump sum (this was just asking for trouble), that I would seek professional help (something I should have done about 15 years ago), and that I would install gambling-blocking software on all my computer equipment. I eagerly agreed to the lot, still struggling to come to terms with the idea that I'd been given YET ANOTHER chance.
So this is about where I am at the moment, incredibly luckly to have a family that are so caring and generous and at a loss as to how I can have behaved so badly. However, that is not quite the whole story.
Yesterday my Mum transferred over £750 to begin the process again, specifically to pay off two of my creditors. Have a guess at what happened? I paid about £100 off my debts and then in some kind of deranged, suicidal meltdown I gambled the rest. There was never really any doubt that it was going to happen, I was kidding myself to think otherwise. That money could have been set aside to fund an orphanage for deeply sick children and I still would have gambled it, someone could have threatened to break my arms and legs and I still would have gambled it. I liken it to the mindset of the mentally disturbed individuals who suffer a desperate, unquenchable compulsion to set fires. They know full well the destruction and danger that these acts cause, not to mention the trouble it will bring down on their heads, but it doesn't matter a jot in the end, they will simply keep doing it and doing it until they are locked away. They are helpless to resist, and that's how I now feel, absolutely beyond help and possibly suffering from a serious mental illness, I just don't know how else to explain it.
Don't think that I haven't had any opportunities to redeem myself by the way, these gambing binges weren't just unending losing streaks, no sir. Just this afternoon I managed to turn £200 into £900, playing slots at £5 a spin. Let me tell you, you would not believe the speed at which that sum of money melted away before my dismayed eyes, but let's face facts, if it had been a win of £9,000 I still would have kept playing until it was all gone. It's not about the money deep down, I'm fully aware of that. It's the buzz, the sheer unbearable excitement and the terror of losing, a heady mix that is almost without compare. Of course I tell myself I want to win, the aim of the whole crazy process is to win, but actually, perhaps subconsciously I really want to LOSE. It may feel soul-destroying and sickening when it happens, but in some twisted, masochistic way perhaps I now actively crave that feeling. It sounds crazy, but hey, the whole situation is pretty crazy.
There's a famous quote attributed to Albert Einstein, namely that; "The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Well, if there's any truth to this (and let's face it, the guy wasn't exactly short on intelligent insight), then I was ready for the loony bin a long time ago.
Anyway, my fear is that I'm just going to blow the rest of the money my Mum is yet to loan me. Of course I desperately don't want this to happen (she's certainly not going to forgive something that outragous), but the demon that causes me to gamble will not care for or consider this fact, it will just drive me onwards to my inevitable ruin.
Is there anything anyone can suggest that can prevent this horrible situation from getting any worse? I'm open to all ideas and am genuinely willing to listen. Just writing this down has helped a lot actually, it really is quite a cathartic process. I just hope that I won't look back on it as a written prelude to the biggest mistake of my life.
Thanks for reading! 🙂
Hi Discrete Cat,
You know you are headed for the gutter or worse if you carry on. You must not take this money from your mum. When well meaning relatives give money to CG's all they are doing is fuelling further gambling bouts. That's the way it is and will always be until the end of time. You must hand all of your finances over to her to administrate.
You need to block all forms of gambling to prevent you from self destruction. Buy Gamblock or Betfilter. Self exclude from all High St outlets near you. Contact Gamcare for free counselling and or get yourself to a local GA meeting if you can.
There is no rationality attached to being a CG. The best thing you could have done is come to this Forum.
You talk of madness, well you are reading a post by someone that was psychotic and ended up in a mental health facility for a while. Mostly caused by the fallout from many years of compulsive gambling. DON'T END UP WHERE I ENDED UP. IT'S NOT VERY NICE. I've seen and done things that you would not wish to experience.
You may wish to visit your GP if you feel that a depressive illness is causing you problems.
Take up strenuous exercise and revive old or start new hobbies to keep you busy. Through yourself into work projects. Use any tool at your disposal to put up unbreakable barriers to prevent future gambling.
If you act quickly and start the recovery process the you can beat this compulsive behaviour pattern. You will need to be determined but people can and do recover. I am in the process of doing so (50 Days clean).
Others may post advice as well on here.
You are only 34 and life can still hold a lot of joy for you. Believe me. I'm beginning to experience the joy of not being in the clutches of a demon.
Take care now.
Thanks for your helpful advice MrStop, my salary is already paid into my Mum's bank account but the other steps can and will be taken as soon as possible. I intend to make an appointment with my GP tomorrow as I appreciate that depression is a definite factor in this self-destructive spiral. Just trying to find something positive to cling onto at the moment, a reason to throw my efforts into making a change.
I guess to rebuild trust with my parents, if nothing else, should be my motivation.
Hi Descrete Cat,
I think you've reached a watershed in your life and with the right help you will progress. It's very much one day at a time. Keep coming back here and read some of the success stories. Many people on here have managed to kick the habit. I'm consider myself a former CG and as each day has passed my resolve has gotten stronger. This Forum has helped me tremendously, especially taking part in the 2015 Challenge.
Best Wishes.
Cheers, your positive words are reassuring. One of my hopes in posting my story publicly was to effectively shame myself into not repeating such destructive behaviour. I see you are 50 days clean, well maybe I'll set that as my first goal, although at this point it seems insurmountable! Let's see if I can do 24hrs first and take it from there, I'll be back tomorrow to confirm.
You are no longer alone and reading your experience has helped me no matter how far you have travelled down this route of misery and self destruction there is always a way out and accepting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I try and take it one day at a time we can do anything for just one day wish you well mate
I can relate to many of your comments and feelings as can many others. As an initial step you must tell your mum not to transfer anymore money as you are still very much in the compulsive grip. You need to withdraw like any addict and it is hard (I know). I spoke to Gamcare and found it really helpful. You need help quickly and there is a lot here. Good luck.
Thanks everyone for your kind words, since making my initial post I haven't gambled any further so at least that's a start! It's funny, today I was hoping to pay off some more of my debts and I could feel an unmistakeable urge to set aside a couple of hundred quid to gamble, on the basis (of course), that I'm somehow 'owed' a return after all my horrendous losses. After all, my bad luck has to change sometime, right?
Wrong. This is exactly the dangerous sort of mindset that has led me to this stage and what are the chances of me just stopping if that initial few hundred fails to pay dividends? Absolute zero, I would blow the lot without batting an eyelid.
Reading your advice above has persuaded me not to take any further money from my Mum, I'll organise an alternative way to get my debts paid that don't involve me having even temporary ownership of the cash. These comments really have made a genuine difference to how my day might have turned out, coming back here regularly seems like it could be very beneficial to me. Thanks again, I'm glad I found this place when I did. 🙂
One thing I find incredible is that from the moment I got up and turned on the telly this morning, it seems like I am being bombarded with messages trying to part me from my money! With the Cheltenham festival just kicking off, it's a terrible time to be trying to avoid references to gambling, the adverts go into overdrive and short of locking yourself in a windowless cell, you just can't escape it. Even the stupid American sitcom on C4 had an episode revolving around gambling!
Well, in this instance it strengthens my resolve even further, I'm even more determined not to weaken now.
Well done for not gambling over the past two days. Really, well done as it is so hard to quit.
Do you really want to stop gambling ?
The reason I ask is that I always said I did but never deep down wanted to. I always thought I would eventually win and then stop.
Its taken me years to finally admit and want to stop.
If you seriously want to stop you should have already done the following :
Good luck
Hi, self exclude from bookies, get Gamblock, it's now gone up to 60 quid a year but it's the best 60 quid you'll ever spend. Please go to a GA meeting, you will find people there just like you and realise you're not alone in this madness. Also hand over your finances to someone to begin with. I've been in your shoes, do the opposite of everything you do now, but still breathe!! hang in there, you can do this.
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