New to this... The partner of a gambler.. One that seems on a self destruct mode. Is it normal for a gambler to believe he's the exception to the rule, that nothing can help them when they say they want the help? To turn everything on you.. Im the bad one, Im the one turning everything round.. I cant even talk to him now.. And he is breaking us, yet if I say that its all me... Now the only thing that will help is hypnotherapy and nothing can guarantee it will actually do anything, these are his words. Today he was going to leave me?! I practically begged him to stay and said Id help, so I came on here and when I went to talk to him about ideas, defences went up... Then he said, why did I bother coming home? As in him to me... I said surely it was because you loved me?! He wants to be here but I'm not even allowed to talk about it. Is this normal, please help me someone.. This is bordering on abuse and Im so lost, Im trying to help but its like banging my head on a brick wall 🙁
Hello ljf82
I have been a compulsive gambler for around 7 years now and i can say that your partners behaviour is very commom and something which i have done in the past. We get very defensive and dont always see through the same eyes as the sympathetic person trying to help. We see it as a personal attack on our judgement and no matter how right u are, until the gambler is ready for help there is not a lot you can do other than say you will be there for them when they eventually need it. The time will come though and it is usually when a gambler has reached their rock bottom.
I hope you find this forum helpful and you will see that you are not alone. Robert
It isnt bordering on abuse. It is abuse period.
I'm in the same boat & im at my wits end so I'm feeling your pain. We have been together for 10 years & I don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday he gained access to my bank & gambled £950 which for the mortgage & household bills which are due of tomorrow. I tried to speak to him earlier but all I get is grunts! He says he knows he has a problem & he knows he needs to do something about it then won't & when pressed tells me if I don't like it I can leave!!!!
Thanks guys for all your responses, I thought I'd come back on here to nothing so was nice to see some responses from both sides... We discussed all options last night, but the responses where "it doesn't work for me, tried it" I said I needed time out but he then started saying he can't as he will gamble so I felt I couldn't do anything. Yesterday during a rage he smashed his phone up, the one I got for him in my name on contract. Today he is sulking and when I called said he won't use his old phone for texting.. Last time I got him a new phone! He is trying to make me feel bad so I will get him another but after his last gambling spend, I'm skint! I have to pay the bills and get the kids new school shoes. He's asked his boss to pay me his wages but I know this doesn't sadeguard us. I'm tired and getting ill because of this but I get the same.. Just leave me then, when I try he says he's got nothing and no one so then I feel bad... He says he wants to help but is in the self pity state of mind so I can't help...
I asked my other half to do that with his wages but he said it's too embarrassing. I've got his bank card but up until recently if I couldn't lift it all in one day he would blow the rest. The other week I managed to get the cashier to up the limit that can be lifted in one day even though it's my account. I'm really struggling today. I have to go to the bank & put the £900 back in to cover all our bills. I'm going to ask the bank if they can tally up all the money I have transferred into his bank over the past 8 years to try & shock him. I have to go to work soon & in my job I'm sitting talking to people for up to an hour at a time & I don't think I can do it today. I just want to cry.
I know how you feel, and I feel for you so much. My other half can't have a bank account now, but altho his wages are paid to me, he is paid cash! So at any point he could have the cash back! I don't know how much longer I can continue to live in fear!
Hi,
Sorry but the reality is that he's not prepared to stop. If he were, he would do what it takes. It really is that simple.
And there's nothing you can do to change that. Your choices are about what you tolerate.
Gamblers are arch manipulators and if you stay because he threatens to gamble if you go, then at least recognise that he is manipulating you. You are agreeing to put yourself right where he wants you, but that's your choice, you don't have to agree.
If he's going to gamble, he'll do it whether or not you stay. If he chooses recovery, he'll choose it whether or not you stay. You can't control his choices, only yours.
If you read the forum, call GamCare, go to GamAnon, you'll be better informed. My experience is that it's much easier to deal with Gambler's Nonsense when you can recognise it for what it is. The danger is believing it, for me, believing it seriously clouded my normally sensible judgement. I stayed in what the gambling turned into an abusive marriage. I don't recommend it.
Take care of yourself.
CW
No money no gamble...It's as simple as that! It works for everyone who wants to stop as they will surrender their finances! Don't get me wrong, this isn't a cure (as they will find a way to get some if desperate enough) but if this isn't done as a minimum with full access to their credit reports then your CG's aren't ready!
Take every step you possibly can to protect yourselves financially & get some support from GamAnon or Gamcare...You are innocent victims here & you should not be scared of your partners 🙁
Be strong & look after you - ODAAT
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