Hello. I've been a gambler for a long time but have only just admitted it to myself.
I have a great partner. We've been together for 13 years and in that time i must have lost about £60,000 (prob a lot more). He has his own business and I have a good job, we have an 11 year old daughter.
Every time I gamble I feel sick afterwards. I can't go on like this anymore yet I still do it. I have tried blocking which has wroked but I used the free trial .... and of course, once its up I wait for payday so that I can get the full year ... but just after one more spin, then we're there again.
I have put my patner through so much that he is depressed and has to work harder to recoup the money I've lost. I hide his bank statments etc but he went to the bank in Feb and found that since October I'd spent £8,100. He was devistated (again). I swore that I would get myself sorted and I had every intention of doing so at the time. I use paypal to get money from his account, I set the account up (for him to use ebay) because he's a technophobe and doen't understand how things work, he doesnt even have internet banking. I have tried to delete Paypal at the time but it won't let me as there are deposits to come out (takes about a week), I then forget about it .... until next time. I promised him I wouldn't do it again and I meant it ... at the time. I lie,cheat and steal from him and I HATE myself for it. He swore that if I ever did it again I was going. He has had to scrimp, save and go without to try and recoup some money back so that he can carry on working (he is self employed). He is depressed and at his lowest ebb because of me.
He's not easy to talk to and has a short temper, he continually throws it in my face (not just this time but over the years), that just makes me worse and I feel depressed, I then want to make it better, so I gamble in the hope that I will win enough to make it all better (although in my head I know it never will), most times I win enough, withdraw, then reverse ...... until its all gone, I then feel sick and lower than I was. Its a vicious circle.
Over the last few weeks I have gambled again with paypal out of his account, I get paid at the end of the month, pay a few bills sometimes, get a bit of shopping then 'just £20 on the reels' ..... till its all gone. I lie about where my money has gone. I feel so so sick right now but thats nothing new. I wake up every morning with my stomach churning and feeling sick. I just don't know what to do any more. I hate myself so much that I really don't want to be here anymore. Its not even that I want to kill myself, its just I dont want to be here any more, living this exsistence.......... living in this hell.
I was glad when he found out last time beacause it was a relief and I thought I could get some support maybe, but it didn't help because he just shouted, threatened to kick me out, didn't talk for a few days then all back to normal (whatever that is). I really want him to support and help me but he does't, he just throws digs at me blames me for everything (I know he has every right to), he even said that I couldn't leave because he'd never get his money back if I did that. I know loves me but at the sametime he dispises me. I've tried to talk to him, even explain what its like but he doesn't understand, he just thinks I do it to hurt him. I want to actually scream at him that its not about him,its about me but at the end of the day it is about him, and my daughter, why should they have to suffer because of me. He's very careful with money, therefore, to him its all about the money. I also hate being skint all the time and not being able to do things like 'normal' people, if I get paid on the 30th, its all gone by the 1st and I can't live like this any more.
The worst bit is that I work in a prison and teach prisoners, life skills, I know all about CBT, cycle of change, goal setting and planning etc etc, I just can't seem to apply it to my own life, I feel like a fraud every day at work, then get it thrown in my face at home.
One thing I know for sure is that I can not sustain feeling like this, I'm so ill, I can't eat, sleep or make decisions properly, its taken its toil on me and I seriously need some help. My chest feels tight all the time and I'm suffering from anxiety, I feel like everyone would be better off if I just wasn't here to ruin their lives any more. I can't even get a loan to pay him back because my credit is so bad. How did it get to this?? I'm desperate for help. I just want to be / feel normal again 🙁
Hi AliT999, welcome to recovery 🙂
This is a great place to start but you have a very long way to go & a lot of work to do! Regardless of whether or not your partner sticks by you, this is something you have to do for your little girl as well as yourself!
I would suggest a phonecall to Gamcare in the 1st instance...Knowing how 'counselling' works must be very different from actually having some as you wouldn't be here looking for help otherwise!
Secondly, don't make any excuses, get that blocking software on...K9 is free I understand! This will break your Time-Money-Location triangle to prevent you from gambling whist you try & rebuild your life! He has every right to be angry & confused, our addiction makes no sense to us let alone our partners, but Gamcare offer a service to friends & family that may help if he is prepared to accept some support! Please don't wait for him to find out...I know it's hard but having his card declined will be an additional kick in the teeth that he doesn't need! Text him if he has that ability & you can't bring yourself to ring or tell him in person...Be sure to let him know, you realise you need help to beat this now & be in a position to show him why it will be different this time!
You can do this - ODAAT
Hi Ali
The cold hard truth is that in the recent past, you haven't wanted to give up. Are you at the stage now where you do want to give up? Only you have the answer to that question. If you don't want to give up, you won't.
I haven't used the blocking software, but you have, and you found that it did work. No excuses, download the free (K9) and install it now.
You have made the first step, admitting that you have a problem. Now the next step is how you are going to tackle the problem.This addiction will destroy you and your family if you let it, so treat it with respect.
Counselling and/or GA are the 2 best options for you. Ask for and get the help now before you get any further into debt. Don't chase any losses. Money lost is just that. It's gone forever. What you have to focus on now is your recovery from this addiction.
Best wishes
Hi Ali,
Reading your post was like looking in the mirror for me. I have phases of not gambling but recently have been worse than ever and even spent my mortgage money on online slots. I absolutely hate myself for doing it but it seems impossible to stop.
Have you called Gamcare or used net line? I found the online chat was quite helpful and I was given a few suggestions. I wanted to try counselling but the nearest place is an hour's drive away and I don't want to explain myself to my husband as to where I'm going.
I totally relate to everything you have said and just wanted to say you're not alone. Help is out there and there seem to be plenty of people who will advise on this forum.
Please be strong and don't give another penny to the gambling industry. Every day you don't gamble is a victory. I don't think it gets any easier (I've never managed more than a month of total abstinence) but hopefully you will feel stronger each day.
Sorry to ramble I just really wanted to say I totally understand where you are and hope that with the support of this forum we can beat this addiction together. xx
Just wanted to say hi and how much I can relate to your post.
I also used my partners account to gamble and lost over 700 pound of his money as well as thousands of my owN. The only difference is he never gave me the opportunity to do it again and even hides his bank card from me.
I hate to say it but we are now over. He also throws it in my face every day. Tells me I'm a lowlife and deserve to be treat badly.
I accepted for a long time while still gambling that I Am and it's wot I Deserve but iv recently woke up. I don't deserve this. Iv suffered from a mental illness, an addiction that changed me and made.me do things that are so out of character I needed help.
Iv just registered with a council to hopefully get a home for myself and my kids. lv Behaved really badly but don't deserve to be punished forever more.
I really hope you can sort things out but iv tried for years and finally realised we can't recover xx
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