Hi,
I am a new member.
Last week my other half was acting oddly, he had just been paid and yet he asked me for some money for cigarettes. I said no, you have just been paid, but I thought he was acting strangely and I was a bit worried then.
Whilst he was at work I was cleaning when I found a load of his bank statements stuffed behind the wardrobe.well, you can guess, the only debits were to l*******s and he has cleared out our savings of several thousand pounds and the current account is empty. These are not joint accounts by the way but he does pay some of the bills, and pays for other things. Debits were leaving his account every few minutes on some days.
Anyway, I felt Ill, when I comforted him with it he went ballistic and it ended up with me throwing him out.
When I have spoken to him recently he said he has been using an online application on his phone, but said that he won just as much back Yeh, right, I believe that.Not.
The other disturbing thing is that there was a credit of £50 from an ex of his. I wondered if he had asked her to borrow money, but no, he lent her money to help her daughter, he said, she said he gave her money to cheer herself up with. So, no truth there either. So now that it is out in the open that he has been speaking to this woman daily and lent her £300 of our money behind my back I now have it rubbed in because she thought she was in a relationship with him and she is texting him constantly which he is ignoring. She lives in Scotland and I know he has not seen her for over 6 years because he has never been away from me in order to do so
I talked to somebody I thought was OUR friend about it all, and again my OH went ballistic saying how dare I talk to HIS friends, that I have no friends of my own that they, his friends, now all hate me etc etc and worse he told me that he understood why my abusive ex husband treated me badly.that hurt me to the core.
I work very hard, and I am disabled, I am annoyed that he has gambled all our savings away, I am annoyed that he "lent"money to an ex behind my back, in my mind anything like that done behind my back is cheating.
I just don't know what to do. I am close to his family as well as my own and his father told me that his first marriage ended because he was gambling, he started to tell me other things but I stopped him as it is really none of my business, it's the present which concerns me.
I have lost trust, he looks awful,very ill. he has been gambling and won't admit he has a problem and every time I say anything about it he gets angry.
What do you think, is this common?
hi starlet
really sorry to hear your plight , take it from me the mind of compulsive gambler is a very dangerous and lonely place , its a secret addiction and vey strong but ur the victim of this and have soem hard decision to make personally but unless ur partner really want to quit and hits rock bottom and knows he beaten and sick and put all the efforts into recovery he probably continue and i know , this forums knows but you got too look after urself and he is clearly ina bad way and has been for time
keep posting where ufrom
joe
Hi there,
I am also new to this but it is I who has the problem. I've known that I had an issue since late 2013 if I'm completely honest but it took until Sunday to actually say the words "I have a gambling problem."
Like your other half I would get my wages, pay my bills and blow the rest meaning that at least three weeks a month were a struggle. I'd be depressed, agitated and couldn't sleep on the many occasions I lost my last pound. If my girlfriend ever questioned my betting, I'd be able to show her receipts of winning bets, she didn't know that the winnings immediately went on my next bet. Eventually I'd lose. I'd chase loses and have gotten myself into financial trouble it will take years to get out of, my solution was "one big win will solve everything." This never came.
I understand my situation is different from yours but I wanted to give you an insight into the mind of a compulsive gambler. (I'm only 48 hours into recovery so struggle with the word "addict")
It was such a cathartic and liberating experience to write my first post, admitting my problem and the messages of support I got on here were truly uplifting. I am no longer alone.
At the minute, your other half is alone in his mind and trapped in his destructive cycle. From my experience he won't do it until he knows he's gone too far, but if you support him and try not to get angry hopefully he can take the first step.
LiamPD wrote:
Actually, what you say is exactly right.he is always chasing the big win, and puts more and more money on until there is none left.then he is depressed.
If he did not waste money like this we would be well off! He has just blown 3k and I am totally gutted.totally. it's making me feel sick all the time.
Hi there,
I am also new to this but it is I who has the problem. I've known that I had an issue since late 2013 if I'm completely honest but it took until Sunday to actually say the words "I have a gambling problem."
Like your other half I would get my wages, pay my bills and blow the rest meaning that at least three weeks a month were a struggle. I'd be depressed, agitated and couldn't sleep on the many occasions I lost my last pound. If my girlfriend ever questioned my betting, I'd be able to show her receipts of winning bets, she didn't know that the winnings immediately went on my next bet. Eventually I'd lose. I'd chase loses and have gotten myself into financial trouble it will take years to get out of, my solution was "one big win will solve everything." This never came.
I understand my situation is different from yours but I wanted to give you an insight into the mind of a compulsive gambler. (I'm only 48 hours into recovery so struggle with the word "addict")
It was such a cathartic and liberating experience to write my first post, admitting my problem and the messages of support I got on here were truly uplifting. I am no longer alone.
At the minute, your other half is alone in his mind and trapped in his destructive cycle. From my experience he won't do it until he knows he's gone too far, but if you support him and try not to get angry hopefully he can take the first step.
spraggy2014 wrote: yes, I agree. He has been here before and I do feel the victim, I am trying hard to support him, but he won't talk about it, he pretends it's not happening, now no less than three credit cards have popped through the door. And yes, he doesn't pay his way.
hi starlet
really sorry to hear your plight , take it from me the mind of compulsive gambler is a very dangerous and lonely place , its a secret addiction and vey strong but ur the victim of this and have soem hard decision to make personally but unless ur partner really want to quit and hits rock bottom and knows he beaten and sick and put all the efforts into recovery he probably continue and i know , this forums knows but you got too look after urself and he is clearly ina bad way and has been for time
keep posting where ufrom
joe
Hi Starlet.
You are in the right place to discuss this.
Firstly as the non gambler, you had every right to protect yourself and your situation.
Deep breaths and you must start the process of protecting your finances and checking your credit file. Any joint accounts must be closed and you must have an account in your name with new cards and pin numbers
You need to build from a rock of safety. Take one step at a time and try not to let the stress build up. You may need counselling over this and a chat with the doctor can be a real help
The issues with the relationship and in particular the gambling can be looked at from there. He will need to reach out for help but as the non gambler you must ensure he has no access to your money or he can not take loans out in your joint names.
You may need financial and even legal advice
Gambling is a serious problem and you will get plenty of support here in how to deal with a partner who is a gambler.
Have a look at the partners section.
I wish you all the best and please remember this is more about making you feel good again as you have contacted the forum
Best wishes
Hi, Starlet,
I would advise you to get credit reports from all three credit reference agencies in your name and his if he will have it, so you can see the true state of any debt.
I don't like the bit about gambling ending his first marriage - did you know what you were getting into when you married him? He didn't tell you? His family didn't?
Addiction is progressive, it gets worse, bigger sums lost, bills stop being paid, moving on to other people's money with and even without permission, (which includes you paying for everything whilst he plays with his income), ever more deceit, lies and manipulation. Unless he starts recovery and you see him putting barriers up and attending meetings, the only way is down.
Also beware lip service and half measures ie him saying what you want to hear so that you let him back and then he carries on where he left off - that's a common scenario. Don't make idle threats by kicking him out and then letting him back five minutes later without seeing real changes. I got half measures and lip service first time round. This time, in order to stay, my husband handed over full financial control, self excluded, cooperated with all barriers and goes twice a week to meetings. And those are just barriers, real change is a long term project.
Look after yourself, tell whoever you need to - this may limit the cash supplies, some CGs have several family members sworn to secrecy, each "lending" money, each thinking they're "protecting" other family members from distress. Try group support, it helps to be in a room with other people with the same problem.
CW
hi there just to say if he tries to blame you & to make out that you are the one in the wrong then don't believe him for a second. It is not your fault that he has gambled so much money away ! As he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, then you are right to throw him out. As such he is not to be trusted with a penny of yours. Make him stand on his own two feet. There is a friends & family section on here have a good read through that, and you can post there if you want.
Joydivider wrote:
Hi Starlet.
You are in the right place to discuss this.
Firstly as the non gambler, you had every right to protect yourself and your situation.
Deep breaths and you must start the process of protecting your finances and checking your credit file. Any joint accounts must be closed and you must have an account in your name with new cards and pin numbers
You need to build from a rock of safety. Take one step at a time and try not to let the stress build up. You may need counselling over this and a chat with the doctor can be a real help
The issues with the relationship and in particular the gambling can be looked at from there. He will need to reach out for help but as the non gambler you must ensure he has no access to your money or he can not take loans out in your joint names.
You may need financial and even legal advice
Gambling is a serious problem and you will get plenty of support here in how to deal with a partner who is a gambler.
Have a look at the partners section.
I wish you all the best and please remember this is more about making you feel good again as you have contacted the forum
Best wishes
Thanknyou. I have my own bank accounts thankfully, he can't access them, hopefully. I changed my passwords and so on t
you are right trust has gone, totally.
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi, Starlet,
I would advise you to get credit reports from all three credit reference agencies in your name and his if he will have it, so you can see the true state of any debt.
I don't like the bit about gambling ending his first marriage - did you know what you were getting into when you married him? He didn't tell you? His family didn't?
Addiction is progressive, it gets worse, bigger sums lost, bills stop being paid, moving on to other people's money with and even without permission, (which includes you paying for everything whilst he plays with his income), ever more deceit, lies and manipulation. Unless he starts recovery and you see him putting barriers up and attending meetings, the only way is down.
Also beware lip service and half measures ie him saying what you want to hear so that you let him back and then he carries on where he left off - that's a common scenario. Don't make idle threats by kicking him out and then letting him back five minutes later without seeing real changes. I got half measures and lip service first time round. This time, in order to stay, my husband handed over full financial control, self excluded, cooperated with all barriers and goes twice a week to meetings. And those are just barriers, real change is a long term project.
Look after yourself, tell whoever you need to - this may limit the cash supplies, some CGs have several family members sworn to secrecy, each "lending" money, each thinking they're "protecting" other family members from distress. Try group support, it helps to be in a room with other people with the same problem.
CW
Thank you for your advice.
No, I had no idea he had gambled previously although some "mysteries" are now more clear.
He will not admit he has a problem, that's the trouble. He sees it as ok. He is not bothered he says, that he lost 3k, he says he would have spent it anyway. I am totally gutted!
He doesn't really understand why I am being "off" with him, but I can't trust him. I can't get over this other woman who he Kent money to either!
Unfortunately I need a carer to help me, but I am squirelling away so that if it happens again I will be able to get the help I need. Because if it does happen again he won't worm his way back.
Half-Life wrote:
Hi starlet
Sadly yes anger, blame and manipulation is very common behaviour in active CG's. I doubt there's anyone in the family and friends section who hasn't been on the receiving end of similar behaviour.
He doesn't want to give up hence the anger. You discovering his secret threatens the addiction and anger and blame are the usual reactions.
Personally I think you've done the right thing in kicking him to the kerb. It's a progressive addiction. He's already lied to you and stolen from you. Until he's ready to give up you're only in for more of the same.
Listen to your instincts and put your own interests first. If you can get anything back from him count it as a bonus but it's just as likely not to happen. You can't trust a word he says at the moment so don't without seeing proof and don't let him manipulate you into anything you're not comfortable with.
Thanks for all your advice. I see no signs of gambling or texting this other women, but I used to worry more when the kids were quiet....
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