Done

Hello

I think this is a very relevant place to share your feelings. You can meet people on both sides of the fence, people on either side of the fence will understand your plight.

As a CG 9 months clean, I found your post to be quite moving. Especially the bit about living with a flatmate for so long. Breaks my heart actually, I don't think you would be the only one going through that with a CG, this illness just deadens our emotions if you know what I mean... We rip out our soul and hand it over to the bookmaker along with our money, sadly nothing else seems to matter once the bet is in motion ?

It probably won't get any better until he genuinely wants to stop will it ? all the things you have mentioned are symptomatic of a gambler still in action so to a certain extent it comes with the territory sadly... It must be tough for you to have to look at the future and will take strength to picture a future without the person you once knew?

I say the person you once knew rather than the person you thought you knew because he is still in there you know, underneath all the s**t - even if he doesn't realise that himself. He will never reconnect with that person whilst still gambling. Once he stops he will probably get worse before he gets better! And that's if he wants to stop!

I'm so sorry to hear about reaching this point in your life. I hope you understand that this illness is all-encumbasing, this has nothing to do with you letting him down in the relationship.

Hollow promises are no good. He is just creating breathing space so he can continue to gamble. He is a sick man. 

What to do? Only you will know. But don't forget to look after yourself in all this ?

Gambling is a horrible thing. I still believe he is locked in himself somewhere... But can he be retrieved. Sadly - whilst he is not willing to change his ways then I believe the answer is no.

Take care

Thanks for reply. I am so emotional. I just can't believe it. 

We have 2 young boys and I have a daughter who is well aware of this situation and far too involved for her age. 

I fell head over heels for this guy, he is most definitely not the person I met. 

I feel guilty, guilty I don't understand it. Guilty on my children. Guilty I don't have the head space. 

The gambling has caused such a wedge I have fallen out of love. I care about him and want him to sort this out for himself and his boys. 

I believe he is a compulsive liar. Believes his own lies. 

I work in the medical profession, I see the devastating effects of alcohol/drugs on a regular basis. This is no different. However am too close to understand. 

Am so different am so careful with money. I tell my children all the time "The truth always comes out in the end" 

I think the first time it came out of was just brushed to one side. That was much worse. Lots of debt, 8 week old baby and toddler plus pre teen. He had borrowed money off lots of people. I took control of finances/cards etc. Yet it's come back "free bets" apparently just once or twice a week. But cash has gone missing, he is so convincing I feel like I am crazy. 

In fact he sent me to have councilling last time. 

I just feel worthless and like I have wasted 7 years of my life I will never get back 

Perhaps i didn't help enough the first time around ? 

I feel very very low. 

I  an anxious person. But it is controlled normally. This week has been horrendous. The kids are off and I know they feel it. I normally sleep so well. I am so tired I can't sleep. 

I have felt every emotion and my heart hurts. 

When I am at work I am always interested in their stories, I love people and being aroujd people. Am very sociable. I have a very close network of friends who are a great  support but feel so alone right now. Am lonely. 

I cant stop. I keep thinking and thinking. It's my fault. He has only ever had a problem since being with me .

He wrote goodbye letters the other day to his son's and my daughter a and went to train tracks. 

He doesn't have a good relationship with family. Very complex situation. Cultural differences. 

I have tried to support that by getting him into councilling. But I know that he has to do the leg work and he hasn't shown any. 

He is very depressed and ill. I know this. Am so so so torn. 

One shot at life,that's it. What's the bloody point in it all 

Hi Mudbud,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting here. You are really affected by all this and you have started to blame yourself to a great degree. There are many responsibilities in your life, such as your children, but your partner's gambling problem cannot be one of your responsibilities. You have no control over this.

Maybe you would like to contact us directly on https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/

We are open from 8 am to midnight every day and it might help you to talk this through with an adviser directly. We are here for you.

Kind wishes

Gabriele

I can realate so much, I too am at a crossroads as to stay or go. I'm so fed up  with it all. It takes its toll on us. When we have to work be a mum to not only our children but to our partners too. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person in this situation. It's heartbreaking, but what can we do. If we give them our last pennies we are not helping if we don't give them any money again we are not helping. I understand with the flatmate completely. Mine is so stressed out that these past 4months have been the worse like we are not passionate at all anymore. It's the same story every pay day. "I f****d up again, I feel numb" then comes the guilt "you don't help me, you have money you could help me if you wanted too". But then I think why should I? You're a grown man you just had money. It makes me so angry but because of my daughter and that I see he can be a better person I don't want to leave him. Hopefully soon we will both realise our worth x

1. You're not to blame

2. Look after yourself

3. See number 1

Probably not the most poetic reply to date and maybe not everything you expect to hear,  but 100% true. 

Posted by: Louise321

"I f****d up again, I feel numb" then comes the guilt "you don't help me, you have money you could help me if you wanted too".

Sounds like a very ill man. Manipulation and guilt trips are a huge part of this illness, he may not even realise he is engaging in that sort of behaviour as he is so ill.

He needs to help himself right? GA, therapy, handing over finances to you, excluding from gambling places etc etc.

I definitely took my partner for granted when I was in action, always assuming she would stick around and sweep up the mess when I made it. Ironically she has told me it wasn't the money that made her almost leave me, it was the deceit, broken trust, not coming to her for help and not knowing who I really was that almost pushed her away.

Ah, pride is a horrid thing at times. But once you realise youre ill then it doesn't become an issue about pride anymore. There are ways to get better from this.

Posted by: Louise321

It makes me so angry but because of my daughter and that I see he can be a better person I don't want to leave him.

He probably could be the person you fell in love with again if he were willing to change and recognised gambling has him beat. However by making the aforementioned comments to you sorry to say he is a long way from that point just yet.

Hang in there and hope for better times in the end or hang on to your own dignity and self-worth? The choice is yours. But you do have one you know.

Talk is cheap in the gamblers world. I had to show my wife with actions that I was willing to change, not convince her with words. So glad she stuck by me. Spurs me on to keep working hard at my recovery.

Hi,

Its over 2 years since my last post but its now  279 days since I last gambled. i came on here in the first place to try and stop but just could not do it with just using this forum.

I gambled to escape from everything and everyone including the best thing in my life....my wife....

She knew something was wrong and thought it was our relationship and did not in her wildest nightmares imagine it was me and my gambling.

Eventually it came out and she found out, not by my courage to tell her but my financial situation forced me into a corner and she found out. 

From last August to really Christmas was the hardest time of our lives, mistrust, hurt devastation basically I had destroyed this person who trusted me 100%.

We have worked at it and slowly the trust is returning but I am working every day to repair this and prove that the decent person in me is still there and was just covered and hidden by this awful, evil thing called Gambling. I know that I will never have 100% trust back, that's gone for ever but I am working my b**t of to get to 99%.

We decided to tell our children (29, 26 & 23) who I have to say were absolutely blown away by this but were very very supportive.

Telling people made it real! Not this escape world I could hide in, it then taught me to face things not hide!!!

I had wanted to tell my wife about this for nearly 18 months but knew the damage I would do so I hid away and just went further into the escape world.

I had gone from someone who was very solvent financially to some one who had debts of tens of thousands.

After telling my wife one thing that helped me (and her) was to message her everyday with NGTD # 23 the number of day not gambling. It did help.

I also registered with Gamcare and received counselling, it not only helped me, it helped my wife knowing I was doing the best I could and getting more importantly taking expert advice.

In my opinion the only way gambling will stop is to admit you have a problem and then take and learn from all the help you can find and that everyday as the first day. Draw also on the hurt you have caused to your loved ones, this is also a powerful reason to stop.

Hope this makes sense and helps not always easy to write like this 

I wish you well