Don't know how to describe myself

Hello @matt1996

I’m glad you made the decision to post on the Forum. Thank you for sharing your story and being honest about your situation. I’m sure your post will be met with support and encouragement.

Sorry to read things did not go as planned. It sounds like you were planning something special for you and your Mum given her battle with cancer.

I understand you are going through a challenging time and it must be hard coming to terms with how this has affected your relationship with your mum and the guilt you may be experiencing right now. Try not to be hard on yourself, you have done the right thing coming on here to reach out for support.

Sorry you are feeling like you don’t deserve to live after what happened, please do not be alone with this and I would urge you to contact our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 Livechat (both open 24 hours every day) where you can talk to one of our  friendly advisors about your gambling problem and they can offer support.  There are tools and resources like self-exclusion (Gamstop) and blocking software (Gamban) you can put in place to block your access to online gambling. We can even get you linked in for free 1:1 support/treatment if you are interested.

Other helplines available for emotional support:

Samaritans 116 123

Keep posting and Take care

Vanessa

Forum Admin

Hi matt1996, unfortunately addiction has no boundaries and the harsh reality is is that we can not be trusted with money. You are not a monster.....if you are then there are a lot of monsters on here including me. Obviously we have to take responsibility for our actions, but also I get what you're saying you can't explain it. The only people who understand compulsive gambling are compulsive gamblers. Your mum is angry give her some space and time. This is your wake up call, get help, exclude yourself from websites using gamstop and gamban. The only way forward with your mum is to show her with your actions that you are trying to change. Nearly 10months ago my husband found out that I had cashed in £5k of premium bonds behind his back so I understand how you feel, I haven't gambled since. Make the call to Gamcare ask for help, use this forum, think about joining a GA meeting. You are not a monster you are someone who has fallen to a powerful addiction. You can come back from this. Take care 

Remember, you are giving away money for free to these companies if you gamble.

To be a gambling for such a long time, £2000 might feel not much to you. You thought you could chase your loses and make back double right? don't bother think about it, it was money down the drain the second you deposited the money. Don't kid yourself, Install the bans. 

Everyone deserves to live, life is long and time is what old people would love more in this world. It is better to have lived than not to. Gambling taught me a lot of lessons. Now apply those lessons in real life. 

Hey Matt,

Yeah look that's a tough situation, no question about it. I had something similar a few years ago where it was my Dad's 60th and the family was going abroad for it. I had saved up enough (not as much as I could save because I was gambling the rest) and I had it in a kitty to enjoy the holiday. Like you just as the holiday loomed large I gambled it all away on an absolute whim, it was atrocious behaviour. I had to borrow money from a friend just so I could still go on the holiday. I didn't tell anyone that I lost the money but they knew something was up by the way I was shirking spending any money on the trip away. This should have been one of my happiest memories but instead it turned into a nightmare situation and one that I still haven't forgiven myself over. But that was the sort of person that I was. I would spend my money or other people's money on a whim if it was to gamble. As I said I didn't tell my parents about that loss but a few years later my parents found out about my gambling. To say that they were disappointed was an understatement, they were devastated.  My Dad told me awhile ago that my Mam didn't leave her bed for two full days. She just sat in her bed and sobbed to herself for two full days. Like you I felt absolutely awful and I thought there would be no way to repair our relationship. But I just started to do things better from then on. Admitted my guilt, stopped spending money on gambling and things did come right. They are still very wary of me and so they should be, but the relationship we have at the minute is really, really good. Time is a great healer Matt, take it from me. Just hang in there and slowly but surely the relationship will improve -- but only if you take responsibility for what you did and change your behaviours for the future.

Take care, Happy.

Hey Man 

Thats deep, as a recovering gambler, all i can say is you can not live in the past, otherwise you will have more events, your not horrible or evil and you should not hate yourself for your actions...

your just not functioning right for whatever reason..

consider yourself alone with a broken leg(your brain) in a dangerous forest, 

to get out of forest you need to splint your leg (Splint - bank protection etc, Gamstop put all you can in place)

once out of forest you need to see a doctor (Doctor - councillor to find out why your ticking wrongly)

Then you need to see a physio to guide you/exercises help leg regain strength ( Courses how to react/think differently tools)

remember You are loved whatever you do, and explain your Proactive Actions to the ones you love and they will understand we are all humans with our warts and all.

know doubt to see you on a path to change and living a full life will be more important to the ones around you than anything.......... to stand alone when needing help is not strong it is stupid, and to not protect yourself at all times for years to come is complacent and foolhardy.

hope you reconcile with yourself/your actions and move on... with a plan of action... dedicate the time.... show your working at the plan ask for input .... my heart is with you man .... deep.