Hello,
It is very unusual to find myself typing this, but it’s worth a try. I will give you the basics of where I am at.
I started gambling on fruit machines when I was a teenager maybe earlier, just seaside trips etc. My mum and dad separated and I blamed myself and at the time found the machines a great escape. Throughout my teens and early twenties they became my life really.
I accepted long ago it was not my fault but the machines (both slots and traditional) have remained in my life.
I could waffle on because there are years and years of incidents but fast forward to now and this is the situation.
1) I categorically accept I can not win. I do not play to win but when I do it’s an obvious bonus.
2) I do not have money problems (this wasn’t always the case) in the way many others do. I can just about afford to keep doing as I do albeit other more sensible spending of my money would be nice.
3) I have tried hundreds if not thousands of strategies to try and stop including GA, therapy, restrictions on cards/access to money etc, self exclusion and cold turkey. I once quit for a full year by writing an oath, when the year was up I went at midnight and restarted.
4) Other forms of gambling do not attract me or create the escape.
5) I have travelled extensively, ran several marathons and much more. I enjoy but nothing allows escape like the machines
Ultimately it comes down to this, what I am doing right now is escaping life, I have very few problems as such but find it very hard to see the point in much and when not playing machines just think endlessly . I have a son who is a grown teen, he is my best friend, I have wonderful relationships with all my family. I am single but choose to be due to very messy previous experiences (not gambling related).
The harsh reality and why I continually find ways round my own self imposed restrictions etc is because it works. The escape to the machines works every time. For the hours I play I do not think (except about the play) and that regrettably is a welcome relief. The world seems to be full of materialistic aims and no matter where I turn including charity work I become deeply disillusioned.
I have tried to fill my time with as much as possible, seeing family, playing football, a college course plus travel but as soon as there is an opportunity then I crave it so desperately it becomes inevitable. Again I repeat I know I can not win.
I recently took up meditation and it has helped me in many ways, unfortunately however the escape continues.
If anyone has any advice I would be most grateful.
Thank you, your reply has helped me.
I will keep trying
Thanks again
Escapism is part of addiction, when we drill down into the issue we learn its not really about finance or even the addiciotn of choise. Its about our ability to deal with the real world or various aspect of it. We look for an escape and our addcition answers all what we want, we have not fully developed as we should have had and when the going gets tough we throw our toys out of the pram and run to our comfort blanket.
The 12 steps are what help tackle this, we have to be completley honest with ourselves and others, we have to ask hard questions of ourselves and try and get to the root of why we seek to escape rather than face reality. I know thats what my journey is about, it is not easy when so much of us basically begs us to run.
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