Father with a son who has a problem

Hi Paul,

I am in a very similar situation as your son. I'm 23 (24 in December) and a couple of weeks ago stole my mum's debit card and gambled 2000. She has full control over my funds so my mind set was that money is mine as I'd just been paid. However, I owe her 6000 plus a loan in her and my dad's name of around 25000.

I have a very good job in London which I cannot let it affect. My issue has been going on for 4 years also so can relate to your son.

I also had suicidal thoughts the last week but am now in a much better place.

He probably isn't opening up and talking as he feels ashamed and embarrassed. Ultimately, nobody wants to let their parents down and stealing from them is the lowest of the low but it's the illness taking over.

Wonder if he'd like to have a chat with me by email or something as our stories are so relative? Let me know as I'd love to help.

Adam.

Hi Adam,

It would be good to hear from him and I appreciate your offer. The challenge is how to encourage, cajole him to respond. He feels so low and its hard to communicate.

thanks that is exactly what we are trying to do. We also want to help which is normal as supportive parents but your right we need to protect ourselves.

Running out of options!!

Having been in the situation where I stole money to fund my gambling, I can tell you he will be feeling so low, and ashamed, he won't want to get out of bed to face you, let alone talk.

All you can do is keep telling him the support is there when he is ready to access it, until he is ready to face it, he will never commit to it.

I personally would still let him use the car, he needs to be physically and mentally active. Being stuck in the house will not help him mentally, but financially you need to give him nothing, he cannot be trusted with money be it his, or yours.

As for telling his girlfriend, I believe that is his decision, as much as you want to be honest with her, how do you think your son will react when he finds out thats what you have done?

If he isn't prepared to face he has a problem he is not going to want everyone knowing and discussing it.

I do believe you must protect yourself though, you need to find out how bad the financial situation is, even if you can't do anything about it at least you will have an idea of the problem before letters start arriving, or you get people knocking on the door.

He needs to know, there is light at the end of the tunnel, he isn't the first person to get into this hole and he won't be the last. If he really wants to beat this he will, and by the sounds of it he has got good people around him waiting to help.

If you can't get him to come on here and read some peoples stories, try printing a few off and leaving them with him, in his own time he might read them.

Hi PC

I am 51 and started gambling at the age of 16 and it did not became a problem until the late 1990 s when i was in my late thirties this is when Fobms Roulette machines appeared in Bookies and also online gambling .

Your son is a victim of Addiction induced by bookies tv adds , web adds also available on mobiles . Your son was hooked on Gambling which in turn ruined his University study and got out of hand !

The 1600 was it online at work did the online company ask if it was his card he was using ? as they do with Telephone calls ie are you the bill payer .

The bookies should be taken to court they must know by the amount someone is gambling they have a problem .

Yes get him help he is still young and has a good chance to beat it .

I have Lapsed many a time but it has taken me to preying to god..... so with Gambling for 35 years it has vanished the urges and the thoughts so now over three months with no feeling and urges its gone ? i don't go to church or practice so thanks to God i guess he works in a mysterious way .

Route to all evil refers to The TV adds , The addiction , The mood changes , The Debts , The stealing , Homelessness , Prison , So get help is crucial .

Yes thanks both for your reply, I'm concious of his addiction has now progressed from football to machines. I agree marketing on TV is a big big challenge.

As for the car it's probab;y one of the hardest issues of this period of time. If theres a positive reason then maybe theres scope to discuss. However as a consequence of the financial situation we need to pay the money back!!!

Hi I'm back, things no better. I and my wife been to GA family and friends. My son will not go, even researched the clinic in Dudley with Gordon Moody. Still Josh will not talk about it, he's had another gambling session. He's now desperate, actually locked himself in the bathroom!!

Hi I am so sorry. Perhaps he needs psychiatric help ? However there are huge cuts around mental health nowadays, in the NHS at least. Gordon Moody sounds a good idea if you can persuade him to go. I sense that he feels very ashamed inside; if you attack that, persuade him that it is OK to mess up, that everyone does from time to time, help him to lose his sense of shame which maybe lowers his self-esteem which leads him to gamble again in the hope of a win which will temporarily increase his sense of well-being ? (until he loses again).

I feel your son is as much a victim of the society we now live in as anything else; huge Gov't-encouraged proliferation of gambling; huge misconceived adulation of wealth; false values that the richer someone is, the better they are, that society nowadays is about survival of the fittest etc... combined with huge cuts in mental health services. I feel the only way forward is to take care not to condemn or punish, reach inside of him as much as you can, encourage him to open up and for * him * to perceive that he needs help, and not to be ashamed of that.