Think my gambling all started when I bought my first scratchcard and won £20. I was about 19. Now I'm 40 years old and feel scared, embarrassed, angry with myself, guilty, and I feel so sorry for my kids too.
I have one grown up daughter and two babies 1&2 years old and I feel like I'm ruining their lives the same way I ruined my older daughters. I never had much when she was young and I smoked at the time too so all the money I did have, or had access to in credit cards, went on cigarettes and gambling. We never got nice holidays and always had the cheapest clothes and always scraping by and it's becoming like that again with my two little ones. I don't want them to have that same life and there's no reason for it because the money I have coming in us enough...its not a lot but it's enough that we shouldn't have to be scraping by. It wasn't so bad when it was scratchcards as I was too embarrassed to be seen buying them all the time so would buy one in one shop and next day buy one from a different shop and handing over actual money in coins and notes from my purse was more real. Worst thing ever for me was the Internet. I got the Internet and immediately went on to the scratchcards online. Then it was bingo online even though Ive never set foot in an actual bingo hall in my life. Told myself it was a treat...I was enjoying the chat...I didn't go out so it was allowed etc. Then it started to become a bigger problem when I was using credit cards to play and chasing losses. I ended up thousands in debt. I did get myself sorted from that...but I'm now heading that same way again. It's the dreaded slots now. I've had a few decent wins from small stakes but always drip feed it back and then some. When I think what I could have spent the money on I feel so bad so guilty and I think that makes me chase it all the more. Always telling myself ill get a nice win and withdraw this time and not go back. But as you all know, probably too well, it never happens.
Online gambling is just the worst thing ever because it doesn't feel like you're paying/parting with real money...its numbers on a screen. And it's just far too easy to access, you don't even have to sit at a computer any more to do it as you can do it from your mobile phone which for most people is almost always in easy reach.
I'm sitting right now not really sure if I'll make the bills this month after last week's gambling spree. I'm currently juggling three credit cards and as soon as I make a payment to bring them below max I'm ploughing it into online slots. I know it's stupid, I know it's making things worse, yet I keep on doing it. I need to stop.
This here is my first step.
I know I can do this. I've gotten out of a hole like this before so I know it's achievable. I also managed to stop smoking and never went back in the seven years since deciding to quit so if I can do that then I can do this too. I need to see it for what it is... an addiction..just like the smoking was.
First thing I need to do is have a good look at finances for the next month or so and work out a plan to get back a little bit of control and stick to it. I also need to draw a line under it all, stop feeling guilty and move on. It stops here and now.
Time to act before its too late. I grew up with a compulsive gambler parent and their actions had devastating consequences on family life. We never had money...lack of clothes holidays etc caused rows bad atmosphere and eventually break of marriage. GAMBLING ROTS ALL AREAS OF YOUR LIFE. IS misery...destruction and its time to tell gambling to **** away off!!
Hi angierey.. I really relate to this and am really sorry to see yet another life being ruined by this addiction.. You are so right about online gambling being so easy and yes like you its ruined me as a person.. I too have had major slots addiction and so get your statement about it doesn't seem like real money.. Just numbers on screen.. Your well aware of that utterly sick feeling you get after a big loss and the feeling of shame.. Like you I have two children but they don't live with me.. And my problem is affecting them too.. I have no choice.. I've got to stop this madness or will end up in the ground.... I want so much to get my self respect back and I'm convinced I can... I truly hope you can too.. This gambling is becoming a huge problem for so many..
Thanks for replying.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent (who amazingly has been 3 years sober now after being quite literally at deaths door) so I know the struggles lIving with an addict can cause yet still got caught up in it all. I brought my older daughter up alone and sadly she was the one most affected by my actions and awful decisions. With my two younger ones Im not alone and that scares me too. I'm hiding my gambling from him and I'm scared ill lose him if he finds out which adds to the stress and makes me chase the losses all the more (one decent win and it'll all be better and no one need know)
As you say...its time to tell gambling to f**k right off before the rot takes hold
Hi ads67
That's exactly what I'm feeling right now.. that sick feeling after realising the situation I've just landed myself in yet again and the shame that I let it get so out of control.
I did it before when i stopped smoking...and funnily enough when I stopped smoking I didn't gamble online at all for months and managed to save money for the first time in years...so I know I can beat this
Angierey I really do understand where you're at as I was gambling on slots (chasing previous losses) as recently as Thursday.. Lost every penny I had again! But luckily had good sense to pay my bills and rent first.. Although I am without food now for a month (Foodbank awaits) I know that awful feeling of secrecy.. Keeping your gambling away from loved ones.. It feels so dirty doesn't it? Mine started after my divorce and breakdown I had.. I was lonely if honest my head was a mess emotionally and I started as a release from how I was feeling at the time.. But of course it has ended up compounding matters.. You say your partner doesn't know? Well I can't tell you what's right or wrong.. But I personally had same thing with my eldest and decided to come clean.. Very hard but I felt better for it.. I am at. Complete rock bottom.. But am convinced I'm gonna rid myself of this horrible addiction.. If only to have a better life in future with my girls and be the person I was before... And I hope you take the same stance and stick to it.. Words are easy as I know from experience.. Keeping to them is alot harder... But admitting you have a problem and need help beating it is a good start... Take care angie.. Keep strong and good luck... Oh and have you looked into blocking software for online gaming? That's a good move too or self exclusion from sites you've been using... Anyway all the best... I'll check back here if you need to chat again
Hi,
You've done the first thing by admitting it and looking for help on this forum. But you're about to head off in the wrong direction by focusing on quietly sorting the debt. The debt isn't your biggest problem, the addiction is. The debt's merely a symptom, possibly a much felt one that affects everyone. But clearing the debt on its own solves nothing. The changes that you'd be well advised to make are about overcoming your addiction; the debt will ease as part of that process.
No one's forcing you to do anything but if you want your situation to change, the change comes from you. The best starting point is openness and transparency, gambling thrives on secrecy. Being honest going forward, which means telling him. He'll find out eventually, OHs always do. What hurts them most isn't the losses, it's the lies and deceit and these don't go away by continuing to keep quiet. Actions speak louder than words so use blockers, parental controls, a basic mobile handset, anything to avoid temptation waving at you. Hand over financial control so that you can't deposit. Get specialist support from the helpline and GA. Generally, do what it takes and things will get better because of what you are doing.
Wish you well.
CW
I understand what you're saying...but I'm not just trying to solve a debt problem. I'm finally admitting to myself that this is an addiction and that I have to do something now.
I do understand addiction a little as I read up a lot when I was stopping smoking and helped (and continue to help) my mother deal with her alcohol addiction... A lot of similarities there and we understood each others feelings when talking about things...thinking things through the gambling I can see the similarities showing through there also so im prearing myself mentally for dealing with thinge like the sudden compulsion and for times like when the financial incentive. ..to clear debt or save money....has been achieved and you feel 'cured'. With smoking there was no such thing as 'just one cigarette' with mums addiction there is no such thing as 'just one drink' now with me I have to get it clear in my head that there is no such thing as 'just one scratchcard' or 'just one last deposit' because I know full well that it won't be just that one.
As for OH...he doesn't live with me and our finances aren't linked in any way so I'm not telling him just yet. ..I've only just got round to admitting it to myself and I'm not ready to tell anyone else.
I've self excluded from all the sites I've registered on for slots and tried to download k9 onto my phone...need to look at that more once kids are in bed though cos it looks like it's just a browser app so nothing to stop me just using Chrome or something instead if I fail. I'll find out more later when I've got peace to do it though. I even put the credit cards in the freezer frozen inside a bowl of water and removed them from my paypal account so by the time I defrosted them or chipped the ice off tgen Ill have had time to think about what I'm doing lol (old tip I read about when trying to clear a bit of debt in the past)
Onto day 12 now and feeling like there's light at the end of the tunnel...its a long way off and it's not a smooth run but it's in sight and I'm starting to believe I could get there 🙂
Feeling positive 🙂
Hi Angierey
How did you get on with K9? Did it work for you? If it works properly, it should prevent you from opening any other browsers other than the one it installs. It should also prevent you from opening gambling apps.
Let us know how you get on with it as any feedback is useful for others.
Very glad you're feeling positive.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
I do not have the enshusiasm for the things of life. I feel all obvious. No emotions.
Why?
I couldn't get k9 to work on my android phone
Not sure if it's me doing something wrong or what but it just kept having black screen when I tried to open it
Angierey wrote: I couldn't get k9 to work on my android phone Not sure if it's me doing something wrong or what but it just kept having black screen when I tried to open it
K9 does not work on android anymore there are many other apps like secure teen etc
Thanks fm....I'll have a look and see what's available. ..Once I start clearing some of the debt it's gonna be harder to resist as I'll have cash accessible then so will maybe need something further down the line x
Hey,
so much of what you have wrote is similar to my story, which I have not had a chance to write down in words yet.
I can relate to what you have said in regards to, never going on holidays, wearing old clothes as these are identical to what I have said to my partner.
If you are serious like I am I know I need to (and have) self excluded myself from all and any bookies that I used online, like you said it's almost like it doesn't feel real and there is no judgement as you can hide behind a screen.
Self exclusion though is only plastering over a Broken leg. You need to get to the rot of the problem.
I have a very addictive personality and well when I attach myself on something I can realise it and move on but online gambling has got a hold of me and well it's nearly destroyed everything.
Have you attended any meetings? Or support group?
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