Today is the first full non gambling day I have had for a while…
My life is burning around me, I am losing my partner who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I am ashamed to say that this decision has happened because my partner finally discovered my addiction. I kept everything to myself and the extent of my gambling has only now just come out. It has been catastrophic, and has ruined us both.Â
My head is spinning and I don’t really know what the future holds. This motivates me more than ever to stay sober from this addiction and turn my life around.
The one thing I can’t help at the moment is the time… it kills me that it is one day at a time to see action. My partner will never look at me the same, but in my mind, I am actually now free of this poison and know I can actually be the true person I am.
This day is big for me, because I know it was my last barrier from preventing change, that it was my secret, that no one knew. Now that the secret is out, there is nothing I can keep to myself. I could always gamble because I was able to be invisible and undetected. Now that can’t happen, and there is a lot of relief there. However, others will now see me as a completely different person, and will think awful things of me.
I expect that, because I have been awful keeping this from my partner and family. It is warranted. No matter the fresh start I think I am getting. It is people that will look at me in a totally different light. I am not a good person, and I won’t feel like a good person for a very long time. I don’t expect sympathy, I have to own that.
For now it is important that I keep moving forward and show I can be a normal and upstanding person. But I do fear that the ones I love won’t give me the chance for that. Again, I can understand this, and this is the path I chose by keeping this from everyone.
I am so grateful for my family for giving me a lifeline, which many people will never get. It highlights that same question as why I never said anything sooner! This will always be the question on not just my lips but my partners and families. But I guess I can’t change that, as much as I would want to. I have to own my decisions and deal with the ramifications.
I have ruined everything, but I need to keep writing these thoughts and progressing day by day. No matter how painful and depressing it may be.
Over and out for day one.
WB
Hi Will, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this and it's really good that you have reached out to us for support. Remember, you can reach out to our Helpline 24/7 for support on 0808 8020 133.Â
The forum and chatrooms are great sources of support and we also offer free 1-1, please contact our Helpline to discuss local support in your area.Â
Wishing you all the best in your recovery and we are here every step of the way,
Ally, Forum Admin
Hi Will
There was a lot of thoughts in your post and thank you for sharing. As I'm sure you recognise, none of us can sort all our.problems in one day.
There is an element when you first go into recovery of a grieving process if you make the decision never to bet again. To help through that it's a good idea to get all the blocks in place.
As the brain starts to refrain through abstinence then it helped me to start on my recovery to build a life and way of living it that I didn't want to lose
Hi Will,Â
I am Amelia, I am a peer supporter for GamCare. I have experienced gamble related harm myself for years, and have been gamble free now for two years.Â
I am sorry to hear what you have gone through, I cannot imagine how tough that has been for you. You have already made huge progress by recognising you want and need to change, that takes a huge amount of strength. Your gambling harm does not make you a bad person at all, please know that.Â
Time does come round quickly, I know at the start it does not feel that way, but believe me, it does. The best thing you can do is take each day as they come, and celebrate each one.Â
You are in control of your life and your destiny Will, the past does not reflect the future. You should be so proud that you have taken the first step!
@s0k1oq6jyg thank you for your reply Amelia. I appreciate your positive encouragement and supporting comments.Â
I’m onto day 4 now, and trying to take each day as it comes. I am struggling to deal with the hurt I have caused to my partner and family. I kept everything from them for so long, with no signs of stopping until I would hit rock bottom.Â
I can relate to your advice that I am in control of my future. I am trying to keep thinking that to hold some hope at a positive future.Â
once again, thanks for your reply and support.Â
@dq79uwj20i Thanks for your reply Will! You are doing an amazing job, the first few days are the hardest, and you have done it! How do you feel?Â
I can understand why you would feel that way, but remember you have decided to change now and are making the progress now, focus on that. Definitely, you are in control of your destiny, nobody else is, it is very freeing when you realise that!
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