Hello out there.
My name is Kevin and over the past few months my gambling has spiralled out of control.
I'm a professional person earning a large salary and yet over the past few months have spent thousands on online slots and the terminals in betting shops.
On New Years Day I was down to my last £50 in my current account, registered with probably the last Casino I haven't self excluded from and promptly won £6k. This amount pales into insignificance the money I have lost in the last 3 months. And what actually made me realise that I had a major problem, was that I was completely unmoved by the win. I didn't care, it meant nothing. In fact I think I feel more alive and hooked when I'm losing money. It's a completely ridiculous situation.
I've self excluded from the online site, the money will help me pay back some of the debt but honestly it means nothing. My family had a rubbish Christmas and New Year because of my lying and gambling and complete self obsession with myself.
I gambled again tonight, I drove past the bookies twice before I went in. I lost £200. I didn't even flinch, I expected to lose when I walked in.
Tomorrow I will be stronger, this is a great site, I hope I can post tomorrow that I didn't gamble....
Hi Kevin
Welcome to the site. You are definitely not alone in what you are saying. Most people (myself included) have made our family and friends life's a total misery because of our addiction. I wasn't so lucky and gambled away my families Christmas money and lost the the lot. That was the end for me after 25 years of misery, lies, lies covering lies. It is a place I don't want to go back to.
Be totally honest with your family and confess to all of gambling issues. Hand over control of your finances to them and just take a day at a time.
You have started in the right way by putting blocks in place to stop you from using online sites. You can also self-exclude yourself from casinos and high street betting shops. All of these things will help you to resist the urges when you get them.
You will get lots of support and advice on here during your recovery. Stay strong and take it one day at a time.
You can do this and you will find that happy person again and your family will reep the rewards. It will just take some time and resolve on your part but can definitely be done.
Also try to go along to your local GA meeting which will help. I went to mine again tonight and it is good to hear other peoples stories and for you to talk about yours.
Take care and all the best.
Mike
1 month gamble free.
Hi
Well done for posting on this site and have a read through some other diaries you will see we are all going through the same thing.
You mentioned you had no feelings one way or the other when you won that 6 grand- I can relate to that as winning or losing meant nothing in the end- gambling has taken over and it doesnt care as long as you are still betting. forget the past - pay off what you can and start today from scratch. I feel so much better after only 34 days- sort of calm because the feeding frenzy is over.
Start a diary on here and check in every day and the urges will pass and you will get your life back. We are all here to support you along the ay.
Take Care
Linda x
Hi Kevin, welcome to the Forum,
Well done for posting here - it is a very postive step my friend.
Now you have to ask yourself if it is enough - do you need other help as well? It is encouraging that monetary values mean nothing to you anymore; you have come to realise emotionally that you chase & crave the euphoria of winning, and not financial gain.
You bet at very high stakes and have experienced large wins my friend, but what is the endgame? Where is the stopping point? If you won £60,000, or even £600,000, would you stop? Would you walk away for good?
Extremely unlikely my friend - like most people, you started with low stakes, but the more you won, the less they meant to you; winning is a form of mental poison to you (at least with losing, you might stop at some point) - it just makes you want more, at higher stakes - if you won £600,000, you would likely be betting £10k at a time, and then lose more than you could possibly forgive yourself for.
Draw a line under what has happened and walk away for good my friend. Gambling will only ever take your time, money and the love and respect from everyone around you; there will come a point in your life where you may have mouths to feed that depend upon every single penny you have - at the moment, it is just you that is suffering, but somewhere down the line it could drive you towards losing everything.
You are clearly a decent, intelligent person my friend. When I stopped, I found that it left gaps in my life that needed filling; now I do charity work, write, sing, go hiking and so much more - these give me genuine fulfillment and happiness that gambling could never bring me; after a while, people feel like you do when they gamble - it isn't fun or exciting anymore - the best thing you can hope for is relief.
You are better than that my friend. Don't let this turn into something that blights your entire life; imagine how you would feel, and where your life would be if you posted on here in five years time without stopping.
JamesP
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