Hi, I am new here. In the last week my husband has found out about mm gambling addiction over the last five years and the deception and lies that I told to keep him from finding out. I have come clean not only to him, but my family and husband family. Are clubbing together to pay off the debt that I have caused.
I stayed away for a few days after he found out with my parents, but because of the children I had to come back home so we are in the same house. I am due to start counselling this week, but need advice on how to start rebuilding the trust as of course he is devastated. He is willing to have counselling together to try and save our marriage. Is there anyone who has words of advice to help rebuild a relationship.?
Hi cgregory this will sound harsh but why are your families paying your debt? That is the first thing we learn, 'do not pay a gamblers debt'. Once you pay the gambler feels fre and goes back to it. The debt should be paid slowly so you have a reminder. You husband needs to be encouraged to talk to someone, either online or a gamanon meeting. He needs lots of support and needs to learn to cope with this. I would recommend you hand over the finances so that he can see you mean what you say. It's going to take a while, he needs to recover from the shock. Your relationship will only recover if you admit to your addiction and be honest. It's a tough road and he needs to be aware of what to expect.
Merry go round wrote:
Hi cgregory this will sound harsh but why are your families paying your debt? That is the first thing we learn, 'do not pay a gamblers debt'. Once you pay the gambler feels fre and goes back to it. The debt should be paid slowly so you have a reminder. You husband needs to be encouraged to talk to someone, either online or a gamanon meeting. He needs lots of support and needs to learn to cope with this. I would recommend you hand over the finances so that he can see you mean what you say. It's going to take a while, he needs to recover from the shock. Your relationship will only recover if you admit to your addiction and be honest. It's a tough road and he needs to be aware of what to expect.
I totally agree with the above. I asked my parents for help with my debt to which they declined and I'm so glad they did. I have the monthly reminder everytime my direct debit goes to step change. Yes it could be taken in a negative way but i use it to drive me in the right direction.
I had to rebuild relationships after coming clean also. I shown them i was willing to get better by going to counselling, handing over finances and trying to be a better person. Be brutally honest with you husband from now on it's important you don't carry this on your own and this way he can get a better understanding of your thoughts. He should also make sure he have someone he can speak to outside of your marriage.
I'm nearly 21 months gamble free and i can tell you things get better if you're willing to change and commit to get control of your addiction.
I've started a blog I'd love for you to check it out and offer feedback. www.conradnose.com
Thanks for your comments. The debts that are being paid are the ones that affect my husband, as he needs a clear credit history for his job. I still have a DMP with stepchange so will be paying the debt I gave racked up I have passed all control of my accounts to my husband and have self excluded and put blocking software on phones and computers. I hope this is a slow step to start him trusting me again.
Hi cgregory that's good to hear. I hope it works for you. Keep busy, one day at a time.
Well done Cgregory
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