Hello everyone.
Advice needed, thanks for reading my post.
Ive recently had a gambling problem of which I got 'found out' from my partner. Basically I've lost £1000's in the space of around 3/4 months and subsequently got myself into debt through it to the tune of around £15000. I have always had a 'Flutter' for as long as I can remember but it was always controlled and 'a bit of fun'!
The problems started when my mum sold her house and gave me a £8000 cash gift. I thought I could win more and have a better lifestyle. How so wrong I was. Always online mainly football coupons. Started off with £50's losing £100's losing, started chasing my losses with larger stakes and losing that aswel till I lost it all, I then got a loan for £7500 to put back, I put the losses to the back of my head for a while, gave myself another chance, then the disease started again. I gambled it all away the same patterns until that was also gone. So i had to get another loan for £6000 to put back again.
I got 'found out' 3 weeks ago and it was a relief because it could have been a whole lot worse. I can afford the repayments on the loans but leaves me shorter than I should be. I have not gambled since and had no urges too, being found out has given me the kick up the backside I needed.
As you can imagine it has caused devastation between me and my lovely partner. She doesn't deserve this, she has said she is willing to stand by me with this illness if I get the right help, which I have taken the first steps. I've spoken to gamcare councillor over the phone, self excluded from gambling sites and awaiting a face to face councillor to get back to me. I've said previously in this post I can get the losses out of my system because I can earn that back over time, but the thing I'm struggling with is the relationship with my partner, I want to get back to 'Normal' asap but she says it might take months, years. That is more painful to me than the money loss so if anyone on hear in a similar situation can offer some advice or share success stories it would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou for taking your time reading through this
Dear nevets I am wife of cg. Your partner needs some support, she needs to learn how to cope, just the same as you do. Don't underestimate this addiction. My husband was prob same as you 20 years ago 'oh it's just a flutter'. I can say that gambling has been a part of our whole married life with constant loans. Repayments are manageable for some. We are back to GA and gamanon. If nothing else it is support and a time to be honest. Encourage her to seek help so that she understands and doesn't blame herself. Good luck!
Hi merry go round.
Thankyou for your reply. I am fully focused on getting the help I need i.e. Councillors etc. I am fully aware that it's early days yet. So I assume you and your husband are still together by what I read, so I guess I'm asking is it possible for our relationship to survive this with the right help?
Thankyou
Hi nevets yes we are together. It's been a complete rollercoaster and nightmare, many dark days, much debt, loans, lies. But when my husband isn't consumed by the addiction it's worth it. We went to GA and gamanon many years ago. I control all money. He has had few relapses when I have trusted him. The conclusion is he can't have any money. We have children so that makes a difference. I couldn't say if I would have stayed if we didn't. You can survive if you want to. You have to want to stop, you have to admit to your addiction, you have to be a better person. Your partner needs support, she has to learn how to deal with an addict. Life is good today, I look forward to my meetings. It's great support but you have to take a long hard look at yourself and change.
Again. Thankyou for your reply.
After being found out. I have been completely honest and I do want to stay away from all of that. I now realise that I have far much more to lose than just money. I'm scared of losing my love and that itself has given me focus of getting 'clean'. We have no children together but I have 2 from previous marriage. Thankyou for your input on things. Appreciate it
Hello Nevets,
Well done for seeking help. It sounds like you partner is your reason or what i say your "why" to stop gambling. I focussed on my "why" whenever I felt down or had urges.
You get what you put into the counselling I used it as an opportunity to be brutally honest on everything I was feeling in my life and it really helped me out.
Have you done all the usual like put blocks in place? handed over finances? A lot of people say they feel strong enough to quit with these things but there's loads of help out there to be utilised and if you truly want to control this addiction help yourself by using the help out there.
if your debt aren't manageable contact stepchange. They helped me by arranging affordable payments to me lenders.
All the best!
check out my blog www.conradnose.com
Hello conradnose.
Thankyou for your reply.
I have just read your blog and everything I can relate to. I tried to put the blocker software on my iPhone but it just doesn't seem to work. Yes it's true that my partner is my 'why' I want to stop. I've just literally came home from a friends house in which I opened up to him about everything and my feelings. It's was emotional but good to tell another person my problem. I am getting and want as much help as I can possibly get to beat this, I know I don't want to gamble anymore but having read lots of forum posts it's simply not as easy as that. Anything could trigger a relapse, I'm currently 21 days gamble free, my debts are manageable for now but StepChange has been put to me on numerous occasions and possibly an option if things get difficult. I'm going to transfer my finances when I next get paid. It's not the gambling that hurts me at this moment in time, it's my relationship I'm having very bad issues with but I need to know that it can be saved if that makes sense.
Thankyou
Hi nev welcome to this wounderfull website. I've been a gambler on and off for 40 years I gambled when I was married husband knew, I gambled in my currant relationship partner knew I had gambled but I gave it up when we got serious for 8 years, then things changed I had free time so took it up again without him knowing. Then one Sunday morning after a night out he found a overdraft increase letter I forgot to shred that was 50 odd days ago, we have had many dark days since he went to see a councilor he said it helped he only went once, then I attended for 3 sessions it helped. My relationship was virtually over 50 days ago like you my love was more important and thankfully we are working things out I have no bank cards except a hole in the wall where I can draw my allowance he puts in for me every week, my wages go in his account aswell, I'm a new woman the feeling of having no financial stress is made me a different person. He says he will never trust me to have financial independence again I say fair enough it keeps us together quite frankly I don't bloody want it. Rome wasn't built in a day nev going to take along time for your other half to even try and begin to understand gambling addiction, let alone the time for her to build trust again be patient help her to trust you again by you trusting you. Good luck on your journey it's a tuff one but time does make it easier red x
Hi red
Thankyou for your reply. I am taking each day as it comes. Some are good some are bad. Like you say it's a waiting game really, I hope we can work this out. I'm taking all the steps needed so onwards and upwards.
Thankyou
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