How do we help our son

Hi there

lucky for your son you have caught it before it gets any worse I would ask your son to attend a GA meeting and possibly have a course of counciling from gamcare .

Hope this helps

Thank you. I really appreciate your good advice. I'll try and get some info....

Hi

Does he want to give up and accept the help he's being offered? To put it bluntly if he doesn't want to give up for himself he won't and there's nothing anyone can say or do to make him. Taking control of his finances, self exclusions, blocking software etc will provide mechanical barriers and give him space to think about what he's doing rather than acting on a whim when the urges strike but he also needs to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion. Gamcare offer free counselling sessions which can help with this and he would also do well to start attending GA meetings where he will find support from those who have been where he is and 'get it' in a way non gamblers can't.

Read up all you can about the addiction and try and get some RL support for yourself through friends or outside agencies such as GamAnon. Protect your own finances and don't take anything he says on trust. You will need to see proof (including credit reports from all three agencies) all is as he says.

It's exhausting and overwhelming when all this comes to light and it's easy to get consumed by it. Take care of yourself too.

How is he gambling? Online or other?

Thank you. I hesitate to say he was suicidal, as I don't think he was that low, but severely depressed and begging for help. Fortunately we can take care of the debt he has (just) but I worry that if we don't address the illness, it will just be a matter of time before he does it again and if we can't help him financially next time it could be a lot worse. I am going to talk to gamcare tomorrow and would like to get him to GA but I worry whether GA is right for him?? Could going to GA actually make it worse? I am worried sick but love my son...I want him to see a future with success but I don't think he believes he can enjoy life...he's just getting through it. Thanks for the responses, it helps a lot to know this isn't just our son and that there is some support.

It's all been roulette on-line. He has self excluded from this.

I ask because my mam is helping me at the moment. One of the most helpful things I have done is order a new debit card (I don't use credit cards) and she has scratched off the security number from the back so I simply can't use it online. It's been a godsend and something I wish I had done months and months ago. My problem has been online slots that I first discovered almost 2 years ago now with a random email bonus offer. It's been a nightmare. I'm a bit below par tonight but I'll reply more fully tomorrow. I'm in a similar position to your son and so I would like to try to help with insight etc. Steph

I am the mom of a 27 year old compulsive gambler... it started 10 years ago. It is an incredibly progressive addiction. Can I ask why you are paying the debt? I realize he is begging for help at the moment but that is the norm after a binge and the reality of what they have done hits home. Everybody involved thinks that this time they really mean it and have learned a lesson but realistically that is not the case. Once the crisis has been averted you will end up right back where you are today.

I would absolutely offer support helping look after finances but would definitely not pay a dime of his debt. You have done that once and it happened again not 2 months later. What has changed? His finances are a tiny part of this addiction. The real issue is why does he use gambling to cope with life?

I don't mean to sound negative and I assume that you like all parents you love your son. Problem is love isn't going to fix this. This is a truly dangerous addiction that is underestimated! As lethe said do all the research you can to learn everything about compulsive gambling.

Please don't be in a hurry to try and fix this... you can't.

Cathyx

Hi

Personally think it's ok to pay his debt, that being with exceptions that he pays you the full amount back. Actions meet consequences

Ga isn't something that would make him worse. It's something that will teach him to live with his illness. Unfortunately there's no going back and once you become dependant on getting your fix gambling the only way to stay on the right path is to completely cut gambling out of your life.

Controlling his finances is crucial as stated above , removing the Cvv code is good , personally I'd take the card away and get a pokkit card one which you load money on for him , I'd also switch his account to a a Barclays cash only bank card, he'll still have all benefits like direct debits etc but you can't pay for anything online ,

Why not ask him to join us on this forum there's nightly chats tonight's is 8pm come along or ask him to ,

Hope that helps

Except that it doesn't necessarily get repaid, does it? Unpaid creditors tend to take a harder line than unpaid parents or spouses.

The problem isn't the debt, it's the gambling. The debt is the symptom of an addiction that involves a net outflow of cash.

re depression, there are three possibilities. Either it has a medical cause (chemical imbalance in the brain), in which case it needs a medical solution. Or it is the addiction mimicking the symptoms of depression, in which case it is the addiction that needs to be addressed, best means IMO is via GA and the Steps. Or maybe it needs both medical and Twelve Steps solutions. But medicine doesn't address addiction and Twelve Steps won't deal with a medical problem.

If your son wants help with managing his finances or encouragement to go to meetings, such support will help him. Paying his debts again and tolerating the intolerable just keeps the whole cycle going.

Keep the focus on you, on what is best for both parents and other family members. Get accurate information and support for you, so that you can deal with the effect that he is having on you. Let him fix him.

CW

Thanks Cathy. The finance side he will pay vacancies every penny. We paid his overdraft to get rid of it as there were daily charges accruing and his car loan wouldn't have been paid...we definitely haven't written this off for him. We insisted he must move home, give us every penny he earns and we will pay the debt with this. In turn he has to live within our rules including little things like daily chores, and it may sound daft, but he has to shower and shave every day. I want to start and get him taking more pride in his appearance to hopefully build back some self esteem. I am really interested in how to enable him to beat the actual addiction though as this is something I can't do for him. I am insisting he gets help but I need to know the best route to this. Thanks for your support though. It really does help

Hi again

The depression and begging for help can be signs that the reality of what he's done has started to kick in. While he should be seeing his doctor it's also worth bearing in mind that for us it can be very hard to judge what's real and what isn't especially when a CG's expertise at manipulation is thrown into the mix.

I would second the advice above not to be too quick to pay his debt. It's a natural reaction and a lot of us have done it (and lived to regret it) but it tends to perpetuate the gambling as it frees up further funds to do it and it also means the gambler is cushioned from the consequences of their actions. It would be a very good idea for him to explore options for repayment for himself. CAB and charities such as Payplan and Stepchange offer very good advice and it's a means of introducing reality into the dream world he's been living in.

If he's gambling online he should be self excluding from every account he has for the maximum time (push for permanent. They don't all tell you it's there but it is) and then getting his devices blocked with you setting passwords and downgrading to a non internet phone if he can't block it effectively.

Attending GA regularly will keep him grounded and accountable. Mr L's meeting has members who have achieved decades GF and credit it with helping them achieve that.

Hi Dunc

I really am so sorry this addiction has found its way into your family. Having watched my son struggle with this for the last 10 years has been truly awful. My husband and I have done, tried, said everything we could to try and help. At the end of the day it will happen when your son is ready. That being said you and your wife are the same... you will eventually do what is best when you are ready:).

Just so you know there is hope... my son has been in recovery for about 3 years. When he was ready and had nothing left he started attending GA. It was his choice not ours. However, we were very instrumental in helping him reach the proverbial "rock bottom". Eventually we knew nothing would change until he had nothing.

And Deano absolutely no disrespect but lending with the intent of getting paid back does not work when you are in the middle of addiction.

Cathyx

Hi Duncw7

Yes you can help and you can be a great help to him.

However you must do this with your eyes wide open and he needs to feel a sense of relief that he is finally seeking help and being helped. This means that he is happy to live on an allowance while he regains some stability.

He must not be given cash or you stand in the bank with him while bills are being transferred. that is the relationship I have with my parents. I want no cash without them seeing where it is going. If he has twenty in his pocket you ideally want to see some receipts as this will also build his pride. A living allowance will negate the risk of losing high sums of money and he must not have access to any loans from the local payday people/pawnbokers /other loan companies.

You just want to try and make sure he is not having a go in pubs and bookies which keeps the gambling bug ticking over.

He must be self excluded from everywhere locally and online. Those blocks must be strong so dont be afraid of helping him exclude and going in with him to do it. As his problem was mainly online you will need to ensure that gadgets are monitored and blocking software is on. If he doesnt have access to account funds that is less of a worry but still must be monitored.

You will also learn about the addiction and be stronger for him.

Then he will need counselling and just a general check up on how he is feeling. There is no shame in that and it will bring out issues he didnt really know he was hiding from and getting depressed over

What he is looking for is a born again moment when it all becomes clear. Dont be afraid of discussing it with him. Roulette is a dangerous losers game especially for compulsive gamblers. Even Einstein warned of the dangers and people thinking they have a system for it....there isnt one.

Some responsibility for debts will actually help his self respect. You can take the pressure of debt collectors off him but he can only pay what he can afford so a debt repayment plan is a good idea.

In a way he must learn that gambling money does not earn him a get out free card from the bank of mum and dad

What he really needs now is your love. Depression amongst young men and women is rife. Ive suffered from it all my life. He will see that life is not all about money and gambling is a symptom of many other issues.

You and your son must never be complacent. The addiction can be beaten. I havent gambled since 29/12/2015 and the mind starts a healing process.

Its superb what you are doing. Its much easier if he is ready to stop and he does sound as if this might be the case

Best wishes from everyone on the forum