How do we help our son

Again respectfully but Joydivider you have said countless times in your post "he must". Speaking as somebody from the other side this is extremely frustrating. .. we have NO control! All of the things you mention are all well and good if he is ready and wants but if not they will be manipulated into enabling and feeding the addiction.

This is not Duncw7 problem to fix. If that makes me sound like a b****h then so be it. I love my son with all my heart but I maintain love will never fix this.

Cathy

Hi Dunc.

Some great advice given here hopefully you can take it on board remember this advice is coming from people that have been deep in the addiction and have got it arrested,

For me myself I needed GA it was the only thing that could help from what you have said my story has a lot of similarities to your sons, once in GA he would follow the 12 step recovery programme which is proven to get people back to a normal way of living if that's what he wants,
Unfortunately there is no cure to this addiction only getting a hold of it,

Wish you all the best stick around on here because you and your wife are in this aswell and will need some sort of recovery

All the best my friend

Matt

Amom wrote:

Again respectfully but Joydivider you have said countless times in your post "he must". Speaking as somebody from the other side this is extremely frustrating. .. we have NO control! All of the things you mention are all well and good if he is ready and wants but if not they will be manipulated into enabling and feeding the addiction.

This is not Duncw7 problem to fix. If that makes me sound like a b****h then so be it. I love my son with all my heart but I maintain love will never fix this.

Cathy

With the greatest of respect Cathy I do understand and I am aware of that. Im trying to encourage Duncw7 that they can help rather than step back and worry about some of the posts here. I wish my parents had stepped in decades ago for me with the right help...They didnt....they just thought I was being silly and greedy and they didnt know what to do. Im not blaming them now but family can help

Obviously I credit Duncw7 with the intelligence to see if the gambler is railing against this sort of help. It will soon become clear if he can live back at home and if he doesnt like the measures in place. Im not saying its easy in every case

Yes I accept he must be ready but I didnt want another post saying take care he must be ready or he will use you. I mean the parents must ensure than he has taken the right measures or the recovery process will falter before its even begun

The son deserves a chance and I did say its eyes wide open time. I have lived this and have admitted many times that I used my parents to get bailed out. I didnt mean to hurt them but I would gamble again with the money. I do understand the advice already given but I am clearly saying that if Duncw7 learns about the addiction, they can help their son properly. Im not talking about naive measures....Im talking about proper help and covering all bases

Im talking about how to help someone properly and it seems he may be ready.

I disagree with you that parents cant help in every case. Im saying the right help can be given while also protecting their own interests. I accept that if the gambler doesnt really want to give up then there is no control and it cant be cured by family

I just didnt want another post along the lines of take care trusting your son. It can seem very cold and it doesnt mean their son is a bad person. Some encouragement was needed I feel. I said their son needs love. I didnt say that love will fix it and I did warn them not to hand over cash and monitor the situation closely

Best wishes

It's classic horses and water. All loving friends and family can support their gambler by leading to help but only the gambler has the control over himself or herself to actually partake. The friends and family physically and mentally can't do that bit for them and it's a recipe for chaos for them to keep trying.

CW

Cynical wife wrote:

It's classic horses and water. All loving friends and family can support their gambler by leading to help but only the gambler has the control over himself or herself to actually partake. The friends and family physically and mentally can't do that bit for them and it's a recipe for chaos for them to keep trying.

CW

I do agree with you and Cathy. I cant disagree with that fundamental principle of recovery.

However Im just saying that I feel Family and friends can help put some of the measures in place provided they understand that the gambler needs to be ready themselves.......saying all the right things and showing all the signs.

I said its eyes wide open time and presume they know their son better than us. If they follow the advice about allowances and blocks its a good start. If the son keeps gambling it may jeapordise his position living back at home. I didnt say it was easy but neither is every gambler someone who is going to streal things from home or not tell the truth about gambling feelings

I did say that cash isnt to be handed over and it will need monitoring. I Think duncw7 wrote enough for me to take that line of encouragement. Sometimes I feel it looks very harsh to see posts saying..... careful dont trust your son and the addiction might be talking. The balance is all negative. I try to balance encouragement with reality.

I think Duncw7 understands that now. Families are important because they are the people we often turn to in times of trouble.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Advising against trusting a CG isn't meant to be cold, it's meant to be realistic. Many of us on the f&f side have been fed what we wanted to hear and believed it precisely because it's what we wanted to hear only to have that belief abused. It's a story that recurs time and again on both sides of the forum usually to everyone involved's regret. Flagging it up to someone who's new to everything is IMO a kindness. It doesn't mean we think the gambler is a bad person but it's a known fact that the illness can influence them do things which are completely out of normal character. Personally I wish someone had given me exactly that advice in the early days. Would have saved a lot of heartache down the line.

All that said, there is hope of course. Providing the gambler commits to everything it takes never to make that first bet and keeps on committing to it they can have an entirely normal life.

Hello all and hello Dunc,

It appears that this one has opened a bit of a can of worms. It also seems all CGs have been branded exactly the same yet gambling, their view and behaviours are different for all people concerned. Just because I gambled doesn't mean that I stole from my friends and family, lied, was deceitful etc. No one had any reason not to trust me and no one stopped trusting me, provided I took steps to quit for good.

Now Dunc has come here for advice but being new to this I'd be rather confused. I totally agree with elements of what everyone is saying but it really is a case by case thing. From the friends and family point of view, yes it must be hard to trust and I do agree bailing out should NEVER happen as there is no responsibility and parents never act like banks or credit card companies. Real world impacts must be felt and responsibility taken. But the most crucial element is that your son MUST want to stop. If so, then parents can be very supportive and the difference between a positive or failed recovery.

From the gambler view point, I had no one to turn to and didn't know where to start. By chance I found this website and it really has helped a lot. I think most gamblers have been in that helpless state and believe me, none of us want to gamble.

I think have an in depth chat with your son. Take measures to stop him gambling as said before in this thread. If he found a way last time then barriers were not tight enough. In the early stages of my recovery I made it so I couldn't gamble. I can now if I choose but that has passed and there is no urge. If your son cannot gamble, he simply won't. Install K9, take control of finances, give him pocket money. Self exclude from bookies but also find new pursuits to take up time and give focus, but also be very supportive and talk to him. Like he must accept the money has gone, so must you and see this as a life mistake that is being put right. He sounds like he is in the early stages of gambling issues, now it's up in the bud time. But ultimately it is up to him!

Take care!