I am realy hating this

Hello, Shelley,

However horrible and whatever the consequences, you've done absolutely the right thing in telling him. Going forward, honesty is vital in recovery, you can't manage without it. It would have been a poor decision to continue to deceive the person you love whilst trying to abstain and replace the lost funds - that policy has failed over and over. You should give yourself some credit for having the guts to tell him for the right reasons. Also, now that it's out in the open, it should be harder for you to gamble in secret, another tool to help you overcome the addiction.

That knotty question, why? As HL says, we don't get an answer that we can really understand so we have to manage without. But at one level it's because you have an addiction and you were gambling to feed the addiction, you needed whatever it is that the act of placing a bet gives you. Addiction knows no cultural or age or gender boundaries, it strikes anyone anywhere. No shame in having an addiction but for real recovery, you need to take responsibility for your actions, either to gamble or to do what it takes for recovery. To chose recovery, to tell your OH, to come on the forum, to close off your access to gambling and to get support via GamCare or GA, these are all decisions that you're responsible for. In the same way, you're no less responsible for clearing out the holiday account in your gambling days.

Your OH would be well advised to get help and support for the situation that he's in. From GamAnon or GC counselling or this forum or there's a lot of literature out there. You can't expect him to trust you with money and also he can't take on the problem and solve it for you. He can support you if that's what he chooses to do but that's all.

Keep on making the right choices for recovery, wish you well.

CW