I can't do this alone

Hiya

I feel your pain.....I'm new here aswel.

I did the same thing as you, spent a few days on here reading posts and it made me realise there are loads of people who know how I feel, but I thought there were none.

I'm in the same sort of position as you, family, house, but my partner has no idea how bad the gambling has got for me. I can't tell him, I just can't.

As for gambling until all the money has gone, I know just how awful that makes you feel......but it only sinks in when it's too late! You are right, the money doesn't seem real when your doing it online. It's only the next day when your account balance is a big fat 0, or your in a shop and the card machine say's 'NO' it really hits you that it really has swallowed up all the cash.

I have found myself lying to my partner, he knows I play slots online, but like yours he thinks it's under control. I am too ashamed to tell anyone so I am trying to kick it my going cold turkey!!

I'm on day 7 now.....managed to get through the weekend without any gambling....that's when I tend to do it the most....I used to class it as ' My treat' for the weekend....lol....what a joke hey!!

Chin up.....WE will get through it.

I feel like I've really achieved something my going this long without gambling. I'm just taking it week by week.

Emz

x

Hi Hun, you're story has bought tears to my eyes as it's so similar to mine. You've been so brave on even posting and you need to take the good from that. I totally understand the mobile thing done it myself - I'm not sure if it's possible but could the phone company block all internet use? Extreme but may be helpful initially. I started my recovery just as you are, using this site instead if betting and I found reading others stories made me think more and took that urge away. I'm slightly different in that I told my husband, it was my second mess up and I had no choice - he said he'd leave me and I believed him, but we're working things through and are still together although it is hard. I found telling him and putting out there and being able to stop lying gave me such a sense of relief. Everyone's different though and you go at your pace. One of the biggest things I've learnt is that I'm not alone and I'm not an idiot. I got caught up in an addiction. I've been approx 4-5 weeks gamble free. Everyday is a triumph for me. Financially it's going to take some time, but I'm not losing money anymore, I'm not ever going to win back what I've spent it's gone, lost forever and I can't change that - neither can you for your situation.

I admire your courage in taking this step as it's a huge step in putting it out there - "I've got a problem" there's a quote I read and I yes it in my Facebook that says "no natter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you're still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying"

Be strong, and keep posting and my best wishes to you and your journey xxxxx

Ps, recovery diaries are really interesting too. You can read others or start your own. I gave one, I ramble a bit but that's me! You can search by author if you want a nose. I found starting quite tricky and have sort of stopped and started with it, but I can read back over it and remember how I felt be it good or bad and it brings things back into perspective xxxx

Hi

I'm in a similar situation to you, i've been gambling for over 10 years and this isnt the first time (but will be the last i hope) time i have used mortgage money to fund my addiction. I have read a few posts in the past amd can relate to many stories but yet to post anything myself. After reading yours though i felt i had to reply to tell you i've been using k9 web blocker for my andriod, it makes uaing the intenet a bit more difficult but really works and its free, you do need to get another person to add a password or you can remove it. I came clean to my partner who set mine and so far its been 8 days since i last played slots. i wish you all the best and hope you over come this horrible addiction.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. It is a horrible situation to be in but it is good to know there are others out there.

Writing my story down has made it a lot easier to see things in perspective.

I spent £50 yesterday and 'won' back £700 so that will cover my mortgage providing it gets back into my account in time. This should be a final lesson to me that I haven't had to confess about the huge problem I have. For me £50 is a very small amount to have wagered - it is normally more like £250 a night - so I feel that is a little achievement.

Today I have taken the day off work (I work with my husband running our own business) to get on top of some housework so I will be testing myself to see if I can manage without going on my phone and onto the gambling sites.

I am hoping that by posting on here that I am going to spend the day at home that I will also be able to post at the end of the day that I have got lots of housework done (must get off here!!) and not gone onto any websites.

If I can get through the day and actually get the house tidy (my husband will go crazy if I don't!) then I will feel in a better position to tell my husband.

With K9 do you access all internet sites through it? I used netnanny and another app (I forget the name) but I could still get into the internet through the chrome button on my phone so they were useless. They only seem to work if you access the web through them.

I suspect that if I ask my provider to turn the internet off I will still be able to access it through wifi. What I will try and do is dis-connect the wifi from my phone and then not set it up again. I don't know the password so hopefully if I disconnect it the phone won't remember the details.

Anyway, that's enough rambling from me - I must get on or this house will not get tidy!

Thank you sooooo much for the responses so far. We are in this together and can hopefully help each other to get through each day. xx

Hi just finished work so late in the day I hope you have done the cleaning. You asked me a question if I'd told my husband. The answer would be not the whole truth I told him about getting into debt and he bailed me out and I have paid him back 6k. But I didn't stop carried on and now I have big debt so I really don't know how to tell him . Hope all is ok with you hitthefanx

Yesterday was a good day! I got loads done in the house, played on the PS3 with my son, cooked dinner in time for my husband to get home from work and even cleaned up afterwards!

Normally I'd be on my phone on the gambling sites from when my son gets home, might throw something in the oven for tea and then as soon as we've eaten I'd be back on the slots. I normally watch tv upstairs while my husband is downstairs so he hasn't noticed any different behaviour with regards to me being on my phone all the time. He just thinks I'm lazy when it comes to being a good housewife and cooking and cleaning!

Anyway, once again I am rambling but it was so nice to go to bed last night without worrying about what I'd lost that day. Even better to wake up knowing I didn't spend a penny on those evil machines last night.

On to day two 🙂

Tempted tempted tempted...... but this time I haven't given in. Day two is almost over.

So now the weekend to get through....

Hi mj

Well done you Hunni xxxx every minute, hour and day is a little triumph xxx try to see that you've clawed a bit back, that's unlikely to happen again so maybe think of shutting that account down??

We're all behind you xxxxx

Best of luck

Post constantly and ramble as you like xx

Ali xxx

Hi MJ

I started posting on this site in the middle of last year due to the gambling debt I ran up. Initially I felt empowered to stop and put some blocks in place (eg. repeatedly entering the wrong password to lock accounts etc). I never installed any software though as everything was hidden from my partner - my dirty little secret. Unfortunately I fell off the rails in a big way, opening other accounts and trying to win back my debts. I thought by doing this my partner would never need to know (we all know where this is going). I literally doubled my debt (it is no small figure) in a week.

Then a miracle happened! Out of the blue I just broke down and cried in front of her and told her everything. She was so supportive. In fact she was relieved that I wasn't having an affair as she had noticed a change in my behaviour. She got on the phone to gamcare. Then I called them and they hooked me up with free counselling.

This was back in November and I haven't gambled since. In fact since that day I have rarely thought about gambling other than as a regret.

The reason I am telling you this is that it wasn't will power or the counselling that did it. It was the fact that she knew - that's all it took!! I was gambling more and more to try to ensure that she would never find out when all along the only thing I needed to do to stop was to tell her. Bit of a paradox really.

Getting things out in the open is a huge relief and perhaps you should think about considering it. I just wouldn't want you to go down the same road that I did.

Whatever you do I wish you the best!

Thanks SillyPaul. I did end up telling him last night after a few glasses of wine. He was actually ok and I think now he knows I won't feel the need to chase losses. I've made it through the weekend so things are looking up.

Four full days of not playing the slots is a real achievement. I think I would have played last night on my phone but the battery was dead so I couldn't do anything and rather than charge it (and play while charging) I just left it until this morning and charged it at the office.

I have to admit to being very tempted even though I am just on an even keel now financially. All the money that was due to go out via paypal has gone out, the £700 I won came back in and my mortgage was paid. Now I have only a few £s until my child benefit comes in next week but at least it is money in my pocket/bank account rather than money waiting to go out to the gambling sites.

It occurred to me last night that every month for I don't know how long I have spent the child benefit before it hits my account. That money is meant to support my children not my gambling habit. How low does that make me feel?

Now I've told my husband things feel a whole lot better. He doesn't pretend to understand and he was cross initially but now he is going to do whatever it takes to keep me away from these awful sites so things are looking up. I've felt much calmer without the stress of chasing losses and our relationship already seems better.

Looking back (particularly over the last few months) I can see how my behaviour changed and how much time I have wasted on gambling sites. I really hope I have turned a corner now and am not going to go back but it is tough.

Well done MJ

I think you've taken the hardest step in telling your hubby. It is a great release and I found that the pressure was off to win back my losses. However, it becomes even more important now not to relapse. When your partner knows, there is too much to lose.

You might want to also think about installing the K9 app on your phone as it seems to be the thing that might be easiest to gamble on.

Well done so far,

Keep it up

Paul

Hi very well done on what you've achieved so far.

Perhaps limiting the money you have available could help. Think about your husband having control of cards and also setting up new passwords for accounts such as PayPal.

Also make sure you cant get credit elsewhere such as an overdraft. Think about moving money to a basic account which means money can only be withdrawn from the bank machine.

Make sure your husband is scrutinising every penny you spend, if you do ask for money.

I gave my mother my cards years ago and if I asked for the card I would always have to show the transactions I made and provide a balance slip if withdrawing cash.

It was embarrassing but essential, until I felt I could control it.

Finally as someone else said, post when you want and post and post again numerous times if necessary in a diary even if you don't always get a reply you can be assured people will be reading it.