I can't do this alone

I am so disappointed in myself for having a major 'relapse' yesterday and blowing £900. HOW? WHY? I just don't know. I kept thinking I was missing out on something and because I hadn't played for almost two weeks I'd be in with a chance of winning.

I deposited some cash online, lost it on one website, went to another, lost it there, then another lost it there too. Then on the final website I went to I just kept depositing until it suddenly hit me what I was doing. By then I was £900 down. I am such an idiot and have been beating myself up about it all day.

I know I can't get the money back and I know I HAVE to stop right now.

The problem came because I'd had a s**t day at work and decided to uninstall K9 from my phone so I could just play on one site. Of course when I lost there I just moved from site to site giving them all my money.

So, that's that. Once I came to my senses I emailed all the sites I could remember that I have membership to and asked them to exclude me. Then I re-installed K9 and used a complicated password. I had to write it down as you have to repeat it when you first enter it. That piece of paper is now destroyed so I have no chance of uninstalling the software again.

I cannot describe how gutted I feel at my total lack of willpower and inability to stop at the first £25. I could have coped with that but instead I just kept depositing more and more.

I know I can't win the money back now - I'm sure I'd be trying if I hadn't put the blocking software back on - and I just have to move on but I feel such a total idiot.

Maybe I needed a relapse to prove that I can't trust myself and these websites are more powerful than me and they will win every time.

So today I am back to DAY ONE 🙁

I am so disappointed in myself for having a major 'relapse' yesterday and blowing £900. HOW? WHY? I just don't know. I kept thinking I was missing out on something and because I hadn't played for almost two weeks I'd be in with a chance of winning.

I deposited some cash online, lost it on one website, went to another, lost it there, then another lost it there too. Then on the final website I went to I just kept depositing until it suddenly hit me what I was doing. By then I was £900 down. I am such an idiot and have been beating myself up about it all day.

I know I can't get the money back and I know I HAVE to stop right now.

The problem came because I'd had a s**t day at work and decided to uninstall K9 from my phone so I could just play on one site. Of course when I lost there I just moved from site to site giving them all my money.

So, that's that. Once I came to my senses I emailed all the sites I could remember that I have membership to and asked them to exclude me. Then I re-installed K9 and used a complicated password. I had to write it down as you have to repeat it when you first enter it. That piece of paper is now destroyed so I have no chance of uninstalling the software again.

I cannot describe how gutted I feel at my total lack of willpower and inability to stop at the first £25. I could have coped with that but instead I just kept depositing more and more.

I know I can't win the money back now - I'm sure I'd be trying if I hadn't put the blocking software back on - and I just have to move on but I feel such a total idiot.

Maybe I needed a relapse to prove that I can't trust myself and these websites are more powerful than me and they will win every time.

So today I am back to DAY ONE 🙁

Sorry for the duplicate post. I don't know how to delete!

your post could be me. ive just joined tonight but im not ready to start a diary so im reading others posts and your life is close to mine. anyway good luck and i hope you and me can make this the last time.

Hi MJPs,

I'm really sorry to hear about your relapse. Hope you are back on track. We all know this feeling!

I read a post from James P a while ago which is so true. He said that we all have an element of control before we play that first deposit (your £25) but then the control is gone. This is so true for me and obviously for you. Because of this I believe I can NEVER gamble again even in a small way. It's too much of a beast that will consume me. And I'm too weak to resist it.

I hope you're back on track. Don't unleash the beast!

Hi MJPS

Hope you're doing ok. Don't give up, you will get there..it really does take time and sometimes finding the right approach for you.

I agree with SillyPaul...I know I can NEVER again gamble because for me I do not have the control and I am in over my head from the time I sit down and deposit my first amount of cash in a slot machine....I can't pick the good parts, I can't say I will know when to roll or when to fold, this is an addiction and I just plain and simple cannot pick the pieces of it that I would like...I can never gamble again..end of!

Today is day 6 for me gambling free, since a relapse after 3 months.

Unfortuantely I know the feeling all too well of why, why, why. I won thousands on my first relapse after 3 months...hit the jackpot and then ran as fast as I could with the money thinking I would have the discipline to not put it back...wrong!

All it did was encourage me to gamble again...I couldn't believe it when a month later I had lost all the money back. I am not a greedy person, but I am a compulsive gambler.

This beast as SillyPaul calls it, is true for me too..it's like I go into a trance when I gamble and have no cut off point and I had moved on to the machines with the stakes of the highest I could play. I know that would only get worse....so I have decided to be a winner by NOT gambling.

Hold on in there, you can do it too!

Hi Allanah,

What you and SillyPaul have said is so true. Once you sit down and make that first deposit you are gripped and it seems cannot stop until every last penny is gone. Even if you win you still end up putting it back in. I won £11k early last year and gambled £8 of it back. What I could have done with that money!

I have finally accepted that I just can't gamble at all as I don't know where to stop. I did read somewhere that the online games have subliminal messages in them encouraging you to continue playing. I don't know if this is true but I do know that once I start I want to play more and more and never seem able to walk away with a win.

No more! I have made it to one week again and this time there is no going back, no relapses. I really want this to be the truth and don't want to find myself writing on here that i have been lured back into the online gambling sites.