I cannot stop thinking on my now zeroed bankroll, is like I ve lost a dear friend. Going out to buy some beer if not Ill go crazy. That may help me to sleep tonight
yesterday before sleep I went to my betting site where there are only 12 cents where it did have a thousand dollars and set a limit of deposit 30 dollars a month. I decided to do that - depositing only 30/ month - even before my bankrupcy. I realized that I should SPEND this money like if it was playing arcade videogame, I mean, waste small money to have some fun and then go on. I know it would be better quitting but I feel I dont wanna to. Fact is that my goal is to wait till NBA kicks off (october) and only then start to deposit again.
i am now in bad mood because my football team will play and my friends are talking about it and I cant bet and feel weak and stupid I told em I withdrew all my money because most of them will think Im idiot blowing off 1000 dollars , they just couldnt understand, and others would feel satisfied I lost it because fake friends like to see people getting f****d up.
plus Im at work now and on last several weeks I pretended I was working use my phone behind the desk while I was betting high money on underground asian football, and now Im here pretending Im working but writing and reading this forum, I think thats an advance...
I played some football manager now and I had a good feeling winning and thought "hey this may replace betting, I really enjoy it and its an innocent hobby" but then I conceded a goal and felt like when I lost that big bet on monday, a knot at the stomach, and I threw a pen in the window in fury... and then when I was more calm and said "f**k off" and turnof my pc, now Im laying in bed and life seems boring as f**k... I ever was a compensation people, if I did anything boring or hateful like a maths test I would come home and play videogame or ball all the day or go to have some ice cream... Seems that I ever need to do something joyful and fun to balance the boring obligations of my life... now my work is terrible and absolutely nothing can satisfy me... internet and social networks only make me more angry and frustrated all dumb people posting s**t pretending... even alcohol or eating or watching sports or reading a good book nothing make me give me the satisfaction and the distraction the football betting was giving to me... anybody have something to say? im talking to myself here thank you
now I was just playing some fantasy basketball after reading a few pages of a interesting book about internet addiction. when I was checking my updates I became sad when I checked the dates like "aw, this was saturday. saturday I had 700 dollars, it seems ages ago". "Oh that was sunday, one day before the tragedy... If I only could know..."
then I went to twitter to distract myself of this mourn feelings and just saw Sergio Llull had a bad injury (unfortunately, because he seems a nice guy and I admire him as an athlete) so my heart started to beat as quick as a heavy metal drummer and then I was thinking about that Eurobasket bet on Serbia that I would have done but didnt d**n I should really have put 100 dollars on them I had so much and they are strong and now the favorite spain lost its star but thats easy lets login on b*****r and only see the odds maybe I bet only 30 dollars for fun and sign the pay per view and then next month Il have joy and fun again so I went to put my password but felt S***e felt like a f*****g walking dead with nothing inside me I breath very profound and didnt do it but Im pretty sure I will
Don't do it JK...Don't place that 1st bet & the others can't follow. It's 0430 & I'm not up for another hour but I just wanted to pop onto your diary quickly to say you're not alone! I will post properly later. Keep fighting...We can't win gambling, it destroys us - ODAAT
Morning again 🙂
Firstly, I would like to offer my condolences for the loss of your father...Very sad for you & possibly something you may not be over despite you having cut ties with your football team.
Secondly, wow, for someone who has a second language as good as your English is, you are clearly a very smart guy!
Problem with addiction, it has no respect for our level of intelligence or financial situation or capacity for love, or any of our good qualities, it strips us of everything we are willing to give & for some, it is our soul 🙁 All of the things you mention may not seem relevant here on a gambling forum but actually they are because they are all part & parcel of the same problem, addiction. The money is gone, you have to accept that...You did nothing with it when it was sat in your account because it wasn't really money to you, it was gambling tokens. The pain of not having it there any more is deeper than just being broke, it is a fear of not being able to gamble any more.
You need to get away from the internet, 12 hours a day is not healthy by any standards & leaves very little time for life. My mum is a compulsive gambler & the only present I have ever wanted from her for as long as I can remember is for her to stop gambling. Now that I am in recovery myself, it may have tweaked slightly into wanting her to get help but either way, it's not riches I want. Maybe for your wife the best thing you could give her is honesty? If not ready to come clean again yet, then maybe start quietly by getting help to unravel your cluttered crazy mind so that you can be a happier person. I don't know where you are based but is there GA near you? Are you able to access the counselling services provided by the site (I believe this can be done over the Internet)? You are hurting because you are an addict, you are an addict because you are hurting...You have to somehow break this cycle of destruction before it destroys you & everything around you! Being here is a good start but you are in deep & you will have to be strong & take any help that you can. Addiction has stolen enough of your life, don't let it take anything else. Time to start worrying about you - ODAAT
Keep on pushing on John King. I don't make much money either, so I know 700 is a lot and it's tempting to chase. However, if you think about the amount of money you'll earn in the next few years or your lifetime, it's rather inconsequential if you can make positive change and stop for good. Don't chase it, just see it as a small price to pay for learning early the cost of gambling. To me, it's either 700 now, or tens of thousands over the years if I keep gambling, so we both need to learn to move on and forget the money we've lost. You can do it buddy, Keep posting.
John you say you are 40.....that is young! You have your whole life ahead of you. My husband is 61 and I am 50. I have just thrown him out after 23 years of broken promises. He has broken my heart and devastated his children. Lost between 80k-100k which he is too old to earn back. You can totally do this. Join a gym, get fit and take up another sport. Focus your mind on the positives. Gambling is for losers, promise yourself that you will buy something special for your wife with the money you would have lost on your addiction.
Be strong
Thanks girls (and boy) for the kind words.
I today suffered a terrible blow in work (not my fault) but with disastrous future consequences to my finances. Now is absolutely indispensable I dont fall in temptation to earn money on betting. I must firmly believe Ill only lose more. I am rock bottom of my depression and pressure and concerns about my future Im suffering now. I ve read with all attention your comments and could feel a little better. Unfortunately my brain is spinning so fast that I can not by now give the gentle answer all of you three deserves, personally. Promise I will try to do when the darkest clouds go away. but concerning this group and gamble affairs, Im doing fine for three days. .All the best for you
I am sorry you have received some worrying financial news. I know this is going to sound weird but this could be the thing that actually makes you sit up and take notice. Your finances are under threat without gambling and you know only too well that gambling will only add to your debts. You use the phrase "temptation to earn money from betting" John read that again "earn money" betting is not a form of paid employment or an extra income. You meant "tempted to get further into debt from betting"
Stay focused, make an urgent appointment to see your GP and keep talking to people who are in recovery on this forum.
This is a positive, you've had a crappy day, bad news and yet you have not placed a bet. You've got through today and you can get through tomorrow. Look no further than one day at a time. You can beat this!!!!!
Hi John. You've had some excellent responses from all of the above. It's good news that you are seeking help and I'm sure that you will gain inspiration and positive suggestions from this site. It sounds as if you are struggling with anxiety and depression which is totally understandable under the circumstances, but hopefully your G.P. will be able to help.
It is clear to me that you have been consumed by gambling - I have been there too. Spinning thoughts and ideas inside our head. I know the pain of losing- just like you have expressed with raw emotion, heavy heart, anger and desperation. As gamblers we think we can beat the system and defy the odds. We have belief in winning a fortune. Laughing in the face of the Bookmaker. But John, you have to let these thoughts go! Accept that we cannot win in the long run.
You will have the time and opportunity to turn your life around - one step at a time. Read some posts on this forum, take advise and take positive decisions to gain control. You can do it. You're worth it.
In now 7 days from my last big loss and betting. Not mentally recovered, and still feeling S***e in other aspects of my life, specially my job and my future. At least I think Im starting to see that betting will not make my life better. Thats an advance but I have a lot of other broke things to fix that sometimes I believe betting is a minor issue. Anyway this weekend I read a lot (which was positive) drank a lot (not good) but could get interested in a football match without the need of betting. I also started a list of things I like and have bad consequences (for ex: like videogame but this can lead of wasting too much time) and at the end I will see where I can and must drive my free time.
Having hit such a low point it seems that you are trying to be positive and addressing all the things in your life which can be influencial and detrimental to your happiness and security. Firstly John, you may wish to consider introducing some barriers or restrictions to stop you from gambling. I don't know if self-exclusion or other restrictive measures are available to you, but it will be vital to maintain some self-control because we will continue to get urges to gamble that we must fight against.
I would also recommend lots of positive self-talk. Take control. Deal with your financial commitments with regard to importance/priority. Get advise on the various options which may be available to you.
When a compulsive gambler is in the thick of it...experiencing mood swings, depression and anxiety resulting from the emotional turmoil, stress and anger after losing lots of money - drinking excess alcohol may seem like the answer. But unfortunately, in my experience it simply leads to reduced inhibition and sometimes reckless behaviour. Consider your health and state of mind, and above all, believe that there is a way out of your situation that does NOT involve gambling. Good luck to you, take care.
When people stop posting on their diary it makes me think that they have either died, gone to prison or more likely, said @#*k it - I don't need some cyber recovering addict telling me what to do! ...I'll do it my way.
Well, good luck with that!!
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