In search of an answer

Don't need money to gamble

The casino's were more than happy for me to go on the free bets machines.

Worst idea ever

I hear what you say about the gambling industry it can be very devious and once we're in its hard to extricate ourselves from its long reaching tentacles.

However it is an industry which employs thousands of people and believe it or not gives pleasure to millions of people.

I also blamed everyone from the industry and also the big man looking down on us for the mess i had made of my life through gambling.

Ultimately it was me who had chosen to walk the gambling path..i made the choice to gamble virtually every penny for the last 28yrs...me.

So i had to lose the self pity.

I have welcomed peace of mind into my life.

How?

Posting on a diary most days..reading other peoples posts and recognising we all have the same struggles and have walked the same path and hope to walk away from this terrible affliction that only us addicts know!

Take time out...get gf time under your belt and maybe lol maybe you'll understand and nod and see where i'm coming from.

Stay strong

.....

I never want to feel like this again, i have succumbed to the evil lure of trying to win a little and losing a lot. Why can't I have these feelings before i gamble, why can't my brain tell me how rubbish and anxious I am going to feel for ages after gambling. I can't stop, I can't forgive myself, I can't believe I have succumbed to the bright spinning lights of a wheel offering me salvaltion from financial struggles to leave me with financial deprivation. I don't often use the word 'hate' i am normally a peace loving person who has kind words and actions for all, but right now i can't tell you how angry I am for allowing roulette to become a 'high street' game, I am convinced if I had never seen those machines in the bookies I would never have found roulette. They sucked me in, just like cigarettes did to early generations - addicative sticks but killers - gambling is the silent killer - and nobody except fellow sufferers on here understand it. I am ranting but I am angry - really angry - not only at the pushing of the gambling industry into my face, but also very angry with myself at being un-able to control my urges for more money and a cheap thrill. Hatred is now good, serves no purpose, but to-day I am angry and full of hate. I hope the people who run this site (with our hard earnt money - now known as losses) read this rant and forward to the Gambling commission, they have a duty of care in their position to stop this evil addication, before more of us become homeless and broke. There rant over.

Hi to anyone out there who is suffering from the effects of gambling losses or to the partners who have to deal with a cg's trail of destruction. I succumbed again to the promise of winning 'easy' money on a spinning wheel, for eight weeks I made between 2-8 trips a week winning small amounts gained every time (a few treats bought - not normally possible on the wage I earn), eight weeks i can't lose !! Then Wednesday night came I fancy the Casino, win a bit more, out I go confidence high, music on in the car, everything is rosy.................................. you all know how the evening went, all eight weeks gains gone and more beside in three hours (i'm sure the cameras on the casino wheel are watching, its too much of a co-incidence the way the numbers always miss your bets - legal? mm), SO I AM BACK HERE, THE ONLY PLACE WHERE I CAN VENT MY FEELINGS OF DESPAIR, I WANT TO STOP, I NEED TO STOP GAMBLING, i have had help in order to quit, family, counselling, been here many times yet, i struggle to quit, HOW CAN I DO IT, why can i not achieve on here what say 'I wished' has. I need her willpower yet i don't seem to have it. I know people will say 'time location money available' that is the key, but if you need small treats in life that your wages can't meet sometimes the roulette wheel will oblige. So fellow strugglers how can i beat this once and for all before it beats me ? Paul

The problem is that whatever is said on here is just probably what you have heard before. Whatever the answer is, I am certain the roulette wheel is not part of it. It is your enemy not your friend. It will solve nothing.

Hi Paul, good to see you back.I guess I knew why you stopped posting, but P,eased to see you not giving up on giving up, after trying yet again to WIN some money by gambling.

My dear Paul, NOONE can wave a magic wand for you, YOU have to want recovery more than anything else ( and that dies mean letting those losses go for ONCE AND FOR ALL)

You have to want this Paul, from inside you, (which will happen sooner or later ) I really hope it's sooner, do you really want to totally self destruct, because unless you KNOW draw a line on your gambling and losses, you will end up with literally not a pot to pxxs in( I know I am being strong in my words) hell Paul I want you to succeed for YOU, you cannot take this addiction half heartily, otherwise it will destroy you in every way.

Only you can stop this madness, yes it's bloody hard work, but it is sooo much worth it to get some sort of sanity and normalish life back.

You have 2 choices, abstain and maintain, or self destruct in the end,

Take care and make that right choice NOW, once you commit 100% to recovery you will begin to understand more about yourself, it is the only way we actually win in the end, you have to want to get this money gambling owes you right out of your mind, until you do, you will keep having a go when you can.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Paul (again lol)

I know your weekends are different lol,

It is so hard to let go, because that addiction is still lying to you, it's still telling you that YOU can win that money back.

Paul it's lying through the teeth( it wants to eat you alive and then spit on you and laugh when it has had all of you) and then it comes back for more, especially when we have abstained and maintained for a while.

Sadly my friend (for me anyway, it had to self destruct me before I stopped) even when I stopped caring whether I won or lost, I kept going until it literally broke me inside, the winning back the money that I thought gambling owed me was long gone now, I just wanted to feed the addiction, and win or lose, I had no normal feelings left,

You are not there yet, please don't get there, where you are gambling to just release the pressure of that addiction.

It's not about the money in the end, it's about our life, and our loved ones who would suffer even more if we did something stupid.

Always walking along side with you,understand you, and as always here to support you.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Morning Suzanne, amazing words and support from you, I need it, I am distraught. You have been there, (I need to ask this - did you carry on gambling until you had absolutly no money left ?) I have not got there yet, but i feel pretty poor, I have been lying to my partner for weeks now about my whereabouts due to gambling - I hate myself for that. Why oh why could I not let go, I had a fantastic sum of money for my retirement - its now all gone, all I have left is the proceeds of the sale my house and a 25% stake which I took from my pension before I blew it. I'm struggling to keep my head above the water when i look to the future - its so sad it makes me so sad. Like everyone i thought it was easy money to take, but it's not. The real pain for me is I have always looked after money really well, until the last eight years when i thought what the hell. I'm waffling but i am all over the place at the moment and i don't have anyone to turn to who will understand the pain this all brings except possibly you.

Hi Paul,

Just got your message as I have been in work.

What can I say friend, you have asked me if I gambled till I had no money left, the answer is yes, and I am ashamed to say, I Emptied my OHs account out too. And even worse I took payday loans out in his name, (after I could not get anymore myself in my name) trust me I was the queen of payday loans, it makes me feel sick to the stomach to even think now that I did that to my OH, but I had run out of ways of money to feed this horrible addiction.

you see Paul I had already sold my lovely car (told OH that we did not really need two cars as they were just stuck in the car park at both of our works) he trusted me so much, he did not even ask where the money went from the sale, ( and this is after he had found out about my gambling, as he had already bailed me out at least once, I had to sell my car, because I had a log book loan already out on it, and I simply could not afford the payments (they were worse than a pay day loan, ) the day I sold my car and paid theses sharks off was horrendous, I had to do it all in one one morning, on my day off, I sold it to a trader but told him he had to pay these sharks off before I could release the log book etc, and he did, I can honestly say I was like a mad person day, because my main concern was to get it all sorted before OH came home, I WAS deep in the grip of gambling at that time, and did I use that money wisely, by putting it into OHs account or paying some payday loans off, did I f**k

I now think my OH knew why I was selling the car, but he did not know at that time that it was to pay a log book loan off.

before that Paul I had sold all my gold, some left by my late Mum, Nan, but it was all sentimental and I got peanuts.

I had sold and stole everything I could get my hands on just to feed my addiction.

my last day that I gambled was 28/04/14, I will never forget that day, we were skint, we were in deep debt, I knew but OH didn't yet.

I went through every pay day loaner that I had had, to get a loan, And I got one ( even though my credit score was minus 100% cxxp and I was already doing my own payment plans, and guess what Paul I got a loan for 300 that day??? How I don't know.

To be brutally honest , I did not take that last loan out to gamble and win, (the winnings were too high now I had well gone past even getting a tenth of it back) might sound strange to you, but I took this last loan out because gambling/ had broken my heart, I did not care whether I won or lost I wanted it out of my system, I wanted to pay my addiction off and be done with it, if that makes sense.

the money did not matter anymore Paul, and hadn't for a llong time, it was the addiction to just keep feeding it, this addiction

crusified me, the money did not matter, Paul it wasn't about getting my losses back in the end, it was either giving my life up, or getting my life back, I chose life, maybe you should now.

its a roller coaster journey, and painful at times,,but it's time to let your losses/addiction go.

It's Beaton you my friend, you will never never get back what you have put into your addiction financially, but hell, Paul, the most important thing is to get you back, you are not you, and you are still sadly chasing this most recent nrealistic dream, of getting your money back, you won't, your stakes got just too high,,let it win, and let it go,

and to do this, (I inow you know , is to first tell your partner all, ( even under the dirty washing) it will be very hard, but it will will be one of the best choices you make into the start of your recovery.

Second use that triangle to the fullest and committ to being honest to yourself, and then your partner,

Thirdly, remember it's not your fault it's an addiction, but you can make some very hard choices and one is to say NO more,

I am getting my life back, it's never too late, you can do this.

Let go of that horrible addiction, admit defeat, and start living by moving on.

Here for you friend, I understand exactly what you are at at this moment,

suzanne xxx

Suzanne, what can I say, you have poured your story out to me, every stone unturned, i have tears dripping down my face, feeling the anguish you must have been suffering last year; if i had to be honest your anguish appears to have been more painful than mine - or should have been for at least i didn't go to the payday lenders and suffer the almighty stress involved in paying them back. I have said it before you are an inspiration to me what you have achieved, you are the first person (even counsellors dont match u) to give me some hope, I have now set the barriers in place, its going to be a tough twelve months getting the finances sorted, but if i have to eat fish fingers every night for a year, I am now determined to beat this addication and find the real me (hopefully a more content happy relaxed person). You know what its like at the start - massive anxiety fear of the next day, the next bill. I will never be able to thank-you enough for your encouragement at the start of this recovery journey, and I want to help you like the others do, to keep the demons at bay - love Paul

Hey Paul,

There's nothing wrong with fish fingers, even after over a year of not giving even one more penny to my addiction, we are still on a very tight budget, we actually enjoy basic foods, ( let's face face it take always and eating out is another rip off and more important unhealthy eating wise lol), we eat healthier now, fresh veg and home cooking, and yes fish fingers actually have more fish in per portion, than a fancy foreign sounding fish dish:)

Paul I only lifted The lid on my very sad gambling addiction, please take note, our lives go by too quickly, I can say with honesty once you get in the mode of abstaining and maintaining, you will feel so much better,

Every time I get an urge I stop and think if I won 2000 on a tenner, I would put it all back on, and so I tell OH, that the tenner in my bank has gone to my debtors, he checks my online account and understands,

It really is important to tell your partner, how can you move on, with lies and deceit at the front of your mind, even if you are not gambling now, just a thought for you to think about.

Take care and keep posting, and reading all the diaries,

Walking along side with you, on this roller coaster journey.

Suzanne xxx

Hello, Paul,

I'm from the other side of the fence, the one who trusted a CG, the one who mistook addiction for the ups and downs of married life and it cost me and the children dearly. Our children are not babies, the older ones have grown up with with their father's moodiness and addict's behaviour. We are squashed into a flat, he gambled our chance to upgrade. He's stopped now but it's v hard for us to deal with the extent of his lies and gamblers' deviousness. Nothing will ever be the same again.

How do you think it felt to find out that I had been lied to and manipulated for most of my long term marriage? Or for my son to be told by an uncaring bank clerk that his savings were no longer in his savings account?

Because of my experience, I find it hard to be polite about your self pitying posts on this thread.

There are steps you can take, not talk or think about, but actually take. Self exclude permanently, get blockers, ditch your internet phone if you can't block it, ditch your Visa card if you need to, hand over your finances, or otherwise sort out DDs for the basics to come out on pay day, get counselling, go to GA. But if you can't or won't put up every possible barrier and stick with counselling and or GA, then what do you expect?

Do what it takes. Like the CGs in recovery do.

CW

Looks like a great duo you and suzanne seem to be paul, hope you can both help each other along the way, and that you can find peace and do what is best, im half your age but as cruel as it sounds it brings it home to me reading yours and suzannes words and i think i cant end up like that, yet i also think if i were you and could think that my suffering was helping younger people to carry on there commitment not to gamble then i believe i would take some deal of comfort from that at least. I really wish you all the best, cynical wife spoke some hard hitting words but i dont think they can be argued with, you have to want to help yourself and pull yourself out of the hole, don't let people remember you for what you are now, theres always time to put things right.