Hello everybody,
Today is the day that I've broken myself, i've hidden an addiction for nearly a year from family, friends and colleagues. It's been a large part of increased anxiety, stress, lack of compassion and an overall dullness in my brain. The inability to speak or care, lack of motivation and increased searches for other things that bring pleasure.
The stupid thing is, I already knew that gambling would do this to me prior to starting - as I've repeated my father's history. It contributed to an early heart attack through excessive stress and also contributed to the end of his marriage to my mother.
I'm due to get married next month. I confessed to my fiance about 6 months ago that I lost £6,000 in the space of 7 seconds. You can imagine her response. I promised I wouldn't do it again. Since then, I think I have lost more than £15,000. I say think, because I don't know. It's likely to be a lot more, but i'm too ashamed to look.
This evening was the last £1,000. I can't do this anymore. I'm not sure where I will end up if I do. I don't want to repeat history. I want a life that i'm proud of, not ashamed of.
How did I end up like this?
a long, long, confusing story - which I am running out of steam to tell over and over again. Because the more i tell it, the more I feel ashamed.
Today is the day it ends. For good. Today is the day I admit that I am addicted. The house always wins. Tomorrow my friends, my house will win (and there will be no gambling within it!)
LB.
Good luck LB. Admitting it to yourself is a major step forward. I always thought I had gambling under control and could just stop when I wanted to, I couldnt. You now must take steps and change some things in your life so you don't go back to gamblng.
Wish you all the best.
🙁
I managed to go 3 to 4 months without doing it, thought I had it under control....then turned to it again. Lost a lot of money this time. Fortunately, not going to destroy my life, but it has certainly made it difficult. I am addicted to this, I know why I am doing it, because I can't cope with the pressure of my life at present. I'm undergoing so much stress with two very high pressured jobs and am a victim of fraud. I keep getting sent to court for a financial related fraus that was conducted by my own accountant. It's difficult to cope with. I'm too strong to give it all up - but also so weak that I turned to gambling in search of happiness.
I have to stop this.........it's eating me up.
Happy evening all!
Hi Lewbro,
Interesting read of your posts. From July last year when you sounded really down to your last post today where you admit you are addicted, have lost a lot of money, but's it's not going to destroy your life.
So 3-4 months from July would take you to November, is that when you started betting again? Now its March I worry about the time in between......... Sorry for all the questions but well done for going 3-4 months. One day I hope to reach this goal. I have a stressful job, a house with 3 young children but part of facing my addiction is not to blame any of them, I looked at myself and didn't like the person I was becoming. As you know all the lies, deceipt, bad loses all lead to added stress from us the CGs to a all ready stressful situation. I could say my last bet, where I lost "a lot" of money £900 is not going to destroy my life, but looking at all the debts that have grown over the last three years I was well on the way to destroying my life, my marriage and the future of my 3 young kids. If my wife hadn't been so reasonable and supportive with me, again she could have walked away and I would have been destroyed and god knows on which downward slide.
Honestly my friend, look for your local GA meeting and give it a try. I admire everyone it that room for attending, from all different ways of life, gambling in different ways, talking so openly but there for the same reason as myself, to fight this awful addiction.
You end your last post "I have to stop this.........it's eating me up."
It's up to you to start this process, have you shared your addiction with anyone? I didn't, of course I wish I had when 2015 started to become the worst year of my life, but no I kept everything bottled up inside, whilst the gambling became more frequent, desperate then out of control. I hope in a few years I can look back and say that last £900 bet was a small price to pay for my recovery.
All the best, I've tried to be open and honest with you. Look forward to hearing from you. Thank you.
You are spot on LM ,
The online world is very very dangerous because of the monoply money we see up the screen. I had my biggest losses online even though it was a very small part of my roulette addiction compared to FOBT in the bookies. I also have destroyed my life with this terrible disease and it has caused me untold misery recently.
BUT ,we are alive and it really isnt the end of the world my friend,money can be got back eventualy ...gamble free ! , stay strong and positive and using the tools that this good site provides and maybe GA you can defeat it .one day at a time. Today we will not gamble . good luck on youre recovery.
Hi
Interesting title as the money is not considered real when the mind controls the addiction. As the notes are being fed in to the slot the mind is in control for its own highs. A gamblers mind will dismiss what money means while ignoring all the real chances of making a return
I used to have dual feelings. One fleeting thought was oh no thats sucking in a £20 note very quickly. However that was countered with feelings of go on go on...keep playing.... get me a high. Its awful and its like a split personality. Thats how powerful the addiction is.
Online gambling was never my thing. Thats not to sound smug...thats just the way it is. I have something about no anonymity , the gambling company showing up on my bank statement and I dont trust them to pay out from a distance. My trigger was seedy arcades, pubs and bookies where I gambled away loads of money
I can see how gambling 24/7 direct to the home is very dangerous. That really is deregulation gone wild
I used to have an instant thought in town and then I would just be withdrawing cash to go and do it. Its a complex emotion with the thought of winning back some of the losses all mixed in with seeking chemical highs relieving stress, depresssion and boredom. I cant explain it. It was like clicking the fingers and I was in a trance. Every part of my body thought it was ok to go and gamble...oh it will be a little flutter and its all ok and exciting...so wrong but so under control of the mind
The money is more real than ever on that long walk home or lying in bed for three days with clinical depression. Thats when you actually realise that the money was a lifeline. Thats when you realise how the addiction takes control and will again without blocks in place
Thats the crazy thing in that it will take over again despite the lows you felt last time. I vowed never to do it again but I did repeatedly. There has to be a block situation where despite any urges gambling would be impossible to do.
I hope you will all realise this and reach out for more help. Nobody tackles this on their own. Its an illness of the mind and the addiction can be beaten with real help
Hi All,
This might not be for everyone but after losing a thousand pounds one night i went to the doctor.
I was using gambling to block the grief i felt from losing a family member and it finally dawned on me. Any stress and gambling blocked me from thinking.
I was given anti-depressants and the urge to gamble has gone. I am more tired and just dont feel i need it.
Worth thinking about because the first chance i got, i would gamble online.
Hope things get better hun x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
