Hello everyone
This has been a really difficult week. The last time i gambled was the 3rd of July. When i blew all my money away to the very last penny, I remember winning an amount that would see me good for a month then thinking well if i can win that i can win much more. And slowely but surely i sunk every penny into those slots online and lost every last penny. I walked over to the back door in the kitchen and opened it looking at the dawn comming in and thinking how beautiful it was but how ugly it all felt at that moment.The knots in my stomach the feeling of doom what am i going to do how am i going to get out of this one. Then going to bed with 2 hours left till morning shattered yet my mind on overdrive. After nearly a year away from gambling i was back and back to feeling as bad as i did then if not worse because of all the good work id done. Only a gambler would understand what im talking about the feelings the disgust the feeling of darkness..Just awful. Ive always had an addictive personality but i never thought it would be in gambling so never say never as you never know what will happen. Today is the 15th of july and ive not had a chance to come on here through life committments.The summer holidays will be more difficult but i will try my best..i have also applied for online counscilling which im waiting for a reply through email..This week i noticed on my i pad a way to which i could gamble again i panicked straight away butterflys in my stomach my mind racing i could see the slots in front of me i quickly sent a message to my son to say it hadnt been set up properly he sent the password to my daughter who then went and got rid of the access and passworded it back. I felt that was a success but at the same time i feel disgusted with myself that ive had to involve my family to help me and that they should feel confident with me and not insecure thinking i may go down that road again, The worst feel for me is that feeling of guilt and shame and the fear that i will go back.At the moment its the blocks thats stopping me the passwords.If it was available to me now i wouldnt be able to say no and thats very sad as it causes nothing but destruction. So i came on here to write to tell you all how i felt and im taking one day at a time and hope when the counscilling begins and i keep reading all your success stories and advice i might pull through to better times....Today July 15th 2015 i am clean of gambling i pray it continues ....
Hi Heuly , welcome back to recovery and welcome to a unity of Compulsive gamblers who are here for support and help , do you attend GA aswell , i know that feeling all so well that empitiness the rawness the anger with yourself and then we go do it all again , the walk of shame after the casino until dawn , when you can,t even afford taxi or bus home or sum well needed food then you look at the world and ppl working there a**e off at 5am every morning and why are you not respecting money and life , i recently become a dad and im so scared im going f*** up my finances as i hear so many stories like yourself of the upset it causes families and im still gambling if im honest not a lto , but bit by bit and pay day coming friday for a big one > NO!!!
stay in touch bud , ppl have done it you done it , be brave and lets the enjoy the lovely dawn and the innocence of kids and spent money on things we enjoy rather than waste on what hurts us , you feel so much better 🙂
Hi,
Cut yourself some slack. From the other side of the fence, I would much rather get an SOS to block a password than deal with the after-gamble. You're doing your best to get back on track, don't lose heart.
Good luck,
CW
Hello Heuly,
I noticed you asked about how to start a recovery diary, when you contributed to ODAAT's diary.
The way to do it is: login to the forum home page, click on the 'Recovery diaries' section and scroll down to the bottom of the page where you will see a blue button that says 'New topic'. When you click on 'New topic' it creates a new thread in that section of the forum, and you can make that thread your diary.
Well done on using family support to block gambling sites from your iPad. I hope that you find that the peer support on the forum can be really useful too.
Take care,
Adam.
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Thankyou all for your supportive comments and shared experiences..Ive only just had the time now to come online to see them..its the summer holidays as you know and i have an 11 year old who needs alot of support..So not much time to myself. It really is helping me reading all your comments..Even though i feel exposed and shame at the same time sharing these experiences with others who understand does make you focus more and not feel so alone. I havent received an email still with the online counsilling but will ring them on friday when i get time alone..I find when im under stress more than anytime thats when my craving to gamble comes in..I was outside a slot gambling arcade the other week and i stood outside there for ages talking to myself mentally. painting a picture in my mind what would happen if i blew money in here now..But that need for that buzz overwhelms you and it becomes impossible to deny yourself.On this occasion thankfully i walked away..It surprised me how similar all addictions are you tend to think gamblings different to alcohol addiction but its not..they all have similar withdrawels and craving feelings..I am taking each day as it comes people as you all are to that has to be a way of life now. Thankyou again for the comments and for the help and support..be well xx
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