Hello, first post... I am a 48 year old husband of 16 years and father to 2 wonderful boys. I am also a compulsive gambler who has asked for many "second" chances through his 35 year gambling addiction and who has just this week admitted to his wife who thought I was "reformed" that far from that I have run up over £50k of debt.
I have been here before... A real sense of dejavu ... I have self excluded from local bookies and used blocking software... The problem is self exclusion wasn't geographically wide enough and once relapsed it became easy to find a way to gamble and Sep back to old ways.
I am beginning to think I am broken, that my purpose it seems is simply to focus on my self gratifying adrenaline rush ( win or lose), to live a solitary, secretive life without trust, filled with lies, rationalised as half truths.
I do not feel a sense of relief for admitting what I have been doing.. I feel shame and I feel anger and sadness. I thought it would be good to share, I thought it would be the right thing to do.
last week I was a great Dad, a good and kind husband, someone who was trusted and loved.
I have been a good provider and have ensured financially stability for my family because I have a good job. Even with this significant debt I can pay all the bills ( mortgage, utilities etc) and service the credit cards and loans.... But very little left for anything else food included, it was getting to this point which meant I knew I had to come clean... I can't say hand on heart that it was anything else... Although how to own up was a thought I have had every day for the last 3 years.
But I think I might have broken the camels back. I don't believe forgiveness is coming my way and the help I hoped for looks like a losing bet. My sadness is what should have been and the lost life, the lost opportunity.
I had it all and now it looks like I have simply thrown it away.
My wife now regrets giving her life to share with me and feels she has no future, I don't know how my boys are going to react when she tells them and I don't seem to be able to find any of the attributes in me that made people proud , that people loved, that I liked.. Just a sense of regret and guilt and even worse knowing I have been here before, that it got better and I am back again.. Broken and not knowing what to do
Hi Cajetan, welcome to the forum 🙂
How did it get better before & what happened to send you spiralling back? Was it just exclusion because that fixes nothing, it's just a barrier to us. I can hear you justifying the financial side of business (which if you don't mind is bull because you aren't providing if you have debts to service that stop you putting food on the table) & yet damning yourself to eternity! The relationship with you sounds all wrong, like you're trying to get a sense of worth from gambling & that's where your work needs to start. Maybe the coming clean out of necessity hasn't helped give you any sense of relief, maybe your wife's reaction & the fear of her finally having enough is what is terrifying? Our ages aren't too dissimilar, my gambling 'career' marginally shorter & it's left me really wanting here in recovery because I don't know the adult me without gambling...I've never existed as a non-gambler before so all my attributes are false too & that's a shocker I can tell you! What I can also tell you is the lows these days are no where near as terrible as they were when I gambled & the more effort I put into my recovery, the easier it gets. Stopping gambling was surprisingly easy, for me, the hard work has been trying to adjust my very warped way of thinking. I have found the structure of the GA program to be a kind of blue print for how an adult behaves & although I still have problems accepting I didn't have an idyllic childhood, it is direction that I didn't have growing up in a house of addiction, albeit they were both functioning addicts (1 drink/drugs, 1 gambling). You're not gonna get through this alone...You will need to look @ counselling (GamCare can provide this free of charge, & your loved ones are eligible too), GA or other support groups & potentially a trip to your GP. Any thoughts of going it alone should be quickly dismissed because it is our addict brains that have dragged us to this point. Why not finally take ownership & tell your boys yourself? Addiction will take everything we are willing to give it, including our pride, it's up to us when we take it back. Drawing a line under your loses & total transparency with your wife is a good start...Time to get to know you - ODAAT
hey fella, a few years difference in age, hardly any our stories.
well done for getting here and for confessing.
now stop manipulating. we are masters of it and we even do it to ourselves. you are still trying now. you think there is a way out, you think by confessing you can manage the finances. youve only confessed because you had to. its not 'our' problem, its yours. your wife may leave you, you boys might end up in a different house, you might end up in a shelter, a bedsit or wherever. this is real, there are consequences. you and i are compulsive gamblers, whether we call it an illness, disease or something else, we have still chosen to gamble.
You need to start taking practical steps, with complete honesty and openness, whatever that means. One lie now will be the fuel for a further relapse. forget about your marriage right now. get your credit reports, get your spreadsheet updated, take steps to get yourself organised. get yourself referred, drink water, eat well, get sleep (yes that is hard).
tell your boys yourself. Face into this fella, this is your mess. Your wife does not deserve this.
dont talk the talk, your words mean zilch right now.
you can do this, you can recover and you can choose life.
just for today chose not to gamble
best wishes. my heart races as i think about how i was exactly where you are 127 days ago
Okay.. Woke up this morning and see I am so n the right place on the forum. Thank you for your replies both struck a cord.
I will see about a referral, I had sessions 4/5 years ago, they did help but I cut them short after half of the sessions.
I have ordered a £2 report from experian. I haven't done this before.
I have given an update to my wife of balances and also made proposals for complete ownership of finances, suggested cash allowance or full receipted spending. Deaf ears at the moment. I have drunk water. Thank you for this simple advice, this week I have eaten only 1 meal and not drunk. Sleep not so good. I will focus on the basics and focus on getting the financials sorted without gambling. I cannot tell the boys at the moment, my wife has asked me not to and I am still hoping she will help me through this and work with me. I am sure I can financially clear I am looking to understand how I change / stop gambling and I would love to do all of this and try to heal the new rifts I have caused.
I will focus on the simple stuff today, and see what happens
Hi you sound like my husband!! Ok your wife, this is paramount if you want her support, she needs support too. She is in complete shock she thought you were being a bit off, moody, secretive, she couldn't quite work it out. Then you told her why, her life fell apart. She's questioning your behaviour, how is this even possible? How can you carry on this stupid mindless activity to this extent? So get her some help too not just you, tell her to call gamcare, find a gamanon meeting. She is probably full of anger and shame too. Handing over finance is good, no more secrets. Get any help you can, don't be complacent, this is forever.
Cajetan. I absolutely agree 100% with the advice given above about coming clean and telling your boys yourself. My husband is 61, I threw him out a week ago after discovering very heavy gambling losses. I thought he was reformed yet he has been going behind my back for five years it seems. I honestly had no clue he was an a addict. He's had problems in the past but I really thought it was a case of him having moved on. If only I had know about this site.
My point is, like you we also have children. He has not seen them for a week and has continued to gamble. They have both told me that they would have so much more respect for him if he would just admit it, tell them he is an addict and that he is sorry. They have said (especially my son) that they will not see him until he can be honest with them. The thing is he isn't sorry, he blames everyone else and denies all wrongdoing. You are sorry, tell them the truth and let them know that we all make mistakes. It will be a good lesson for the future and teach them that they can go to you with their problems and that you'll be there for them.
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