Needing help

Hi desperate housewife. I'm a compulsive gambler and have pretty much felt the need to gamble everyday since I turned 16 (now 25) with one break when I managed to abstain for a period of 14 months before relapsing and I'm now 4 days gamble free with the support of my friends around me and the people from this forum .

Ultimately I believe that if your partner is going to stop and you can work things out he needs to admit he has a problem and seek help me. If his heart isn't in it he WONT quit. You really need to think about the negative effect he is having on your life and taking out credit cards in your name is just not on.

I really hope you can sort this out together but he needs to get help before he causes more damage to both of you.

I wish you all the best

Rich x

Hello there sorry you are in this situation. As a gambler and liar myself unless he is willing to help himself you are in a tricky situation. If he has lost 3 previous relationships it indicates that he puts Gambling above everything else. I have done the same , more important than food, electric, debts, rent etc etc. He must want to help himself, get him to ring the advice line here, i was at wits end 10 days ago, already i feel better having spoken to an advisor on here and am due at my 2nd councelling session tomorrow. We lie , deceive, duck and dive by nature if we are compulsive gamblers. Good luck and stay strong but ultimately he has to WANT to stop, all the best

Hi, DH,

Sorry to hear what's happening to you. You can't stop him gambling but you can look after yourself and choose whether nor not to let active gambling be a part of your relationship with him.

If he does want to stop, it's not about lip service to you. Cutting back is a fiction. He needs to hand over his finances to you in full, you control everything and be vigilant, plus he needs regular counselling and/or GA, plus he needs full self exclusion and blocking software. Read this site and you'll see the difference between genuine commitment to recovery and gamblers manipulation.

If you don't see the commitment to recovery, then it's up to you whether you stick around to be dragged down with him. Get help for you, call the helpline, tell trusted friends or your GP, whatever works. Don't worry about trying to save him from himself because you can't.

Keep posting and take care.

CW

Thanks for everyone's advice and kind words. Found out today he's opened another 3 on line accounts, I have put a filter on the pc to block them. Just think he's so addicted he can't stop, but can't see it. I'm sick of having no money and never going anywhere, was supposed to be going on holiday in couple of weeks but he's gambled that money away as well. Anyway I'll get things sorted asap and re-post with the outcome x

How are you doing DH ? no post for 10 days hope things are looking brighter?

It's been a long while since I last posted naively thought things were improving how wrong was I! My partner had got access to one of my credit cards and taken out nearly £5000 in a Matter of weeks. I nearly had a breakdown when I found out, I've been crying/breaking down all week, don't know which way to turn. My partners response to taking the money is that it was to pay off one of his debts and he will pay it back! I've seen his bank account statement and his on line gambling account and it's all been gambled away, he's still in denial about it, never apologised or shown any remorse cos in his mind it's not a problem as he says he will pay it back. The only way I may recover this money is to go to the police but I'm not sure whether I can do that to him, although he's done all these bad things to me, any advice would be greatly appreciated x

hi i have just come back to this site because I need something to help me - In a way reading your post made me think that my plight is not as bad as yours. I really feel for you as you are a victim of the CG, I don't think I am in a position to give you advice seeing how much I have squandered away (but never gambled on credit), but being here this morning I just want to say you shared your problem with someone who is feeling despair today as well.

Got all the bank statements yesterday they were very depressing reading, I'm making him look at them and waiting his response if there's no remorse then it's over, can't live like this anymore I'm severely depressed as it is, he needs to take responsibility for his actions I can't take anymore

Hi, I'm 34 and I've been gambling for 15 years. I'm 28 days clean today! Unfortunately if he think he hasn't got a problem and doesn't want to stop then the reality is that he won't! When you speak to him ask him what sort of life he wants a lead, does he want to go for nice meals at the weekend and go on holidays or does he want to struggle and stress with no money! I'm also married and the truth is I've only stopped now because I want to! I hate it! When j was in the zone what my wife said to me had no impact, I ignored it and went and gambled.... I couldn't help it. 28 days ago I said enough was enough so I stopped after 15 years. The bottom line is that he needs to want to stop!!

After he read the bank statement he was quite blasГ© at first, he said yeah it was bad but he was going to pay it all back! I told him he had to leave cos I couldn't continue like this, he said he's going to stop, get help etc. I'm going to sort out some counselling if he doesn't go think it's over cos I don't think he can do it on his own. At least we had an honest chat about his gambling so that's a start, had a nice day out no gambling today see what tomorrow brings x

Hi,

Sorry to hear it. Active CGs don't like facing up to bad news and they're not known for having a well grounded sense of reality.

Unchecked, the harsh reality for you is more of the same, but things will deteriorate. The addiction is progressive, the losses get bigger and faster. Do not rely on what he says to you. What counts is what he actually does, ie, attending frequent meetings, handing over full financial control, total transparency, installing blocking software, self excluding. If you don't see all of this, then it becomes hard choices about how much to tolerate. But don't make any threat that you're not prepared to see through.

Get help from the GC helpline or GamAnon, friends, whatever works. Look after yourself.

CW

Desperate housewife, jeez, where do I start?

Firstly, thank you for sharing your predicament.

You MUST take control of all finances, any finances your partner has access to will be gambled away.

He has previous so be very aware that he will know all the tricks, lies and deciepts that compulsive gamblers know.

I am a compulsive gambler of 22 years or so, I love my partner, my 2 sons and my family and would literally die for them, BUT when in the throes of a gambling session they can all go to f***, nothing matters when gambling, NOTHING, I knew every excuse under the sun to explain my missing money and time.

Time, an important and often over looked factor when dealing with a compulsive gambler, take the time away and he can't gamble.

I've been gamble free for just over 200 days now, partly due to myself wanting to stop, but to be honest its mostly down to not being able to gamble (self exclusion) and not having access to finances (partner has full control).

I think you have an important decsion to make, and one that more than likely involves a discussion with your partner, is he willing to give up gambling to keep you?

If so, is he willing to make the steps required to stop gambling?

Is he willing to attend GA meetings?

You, and only you will know by his answers and actions whether he is willing.

You must ASAP cancel any joint credit or debit cards he has access to.

Is he getting home from work later than normal? Question him, and then pick holes in his answers, womens instinct, you'll know if hes lying.

I wish you well, and hope you'll keep posting.

Hi, again,

I echo Andy's post but respectfully disagree with one minor point. And Andy, that's genuine respect on account of the commitment to stopping, not "Yes Minister" type respect.

The advice that I was given at GamAnon is not to interrogate because you can't be sure if the answers are truthful. If it's obvious that he's lying, you just get frustrated and it causes more tension for you, if you believe what's said at the time and then find out it's a lie, that's worse. If he's telling the truth, you're not sure whether to believe it. However, at the same time, when you know that he is or has been lying, make it clear to him that you don't believe the lies.

Rely on what you see - from bank statements and credit reports to gambling tickets, rather than what he says.

Look after yourself,

CW

Thanks guys for all the kind words and advice. To be honest it feels like I'm living in a bubble, nothing feels real. My partner is in an absolutely vile mood, he had problems with his ex yesterday ( she still gives him grief over the predicament he left her and the children in) he is very, very angry I gave him the number to ring for counselling he took it but hasn't rang up yet, think he feels ashamed to discuss his problems with someone he doesn't know. I put more blocking software on the computer last night, so he'll probably go mad when he gets in and finds out. He seems to be blaming everyone else for his problems, I've told him the only person to blame is himself and only he can make the decision to get help. Anyway see what today brings, and I'll post again in a few days with update x