Hi everyone
I don’t even know where to start but after reading through the forum think it’s finally time I faced up to it - I have a problem with gambling!
I first started years ago when I was only 22 which developed in to a monster and I almost lost my home and sanity. It consumed my life, I was signed up to over 20 sites and would use every trick to keep spending and finding work arounds until I began spending all of my income on gambling, even food money. I then had a big reality check one day after losing everything and realising I was also going to lose my home. I broke down to family, I’d hit an all time low. Luckily I managed to keep my home but I spent near 60k in those 7 years. After tackling my debts I became gamble free for 7 years. I no longer considered myself a gambler and it was all a faint memory of stupidity in my youth.
They were hard years building up money and finding new hobbies to interest me but I got there and up until December last year had got my credit score in the green and some savings for the first time in my life.
My relationship started to break down last year due to controlling behaviour and between the unhappiness and pressure to earn more and more I decided to just have one more try to see if I could help resolve the situation and make us financially comfortable (I know sounds ludicrous). I thought I was in control after all these years and would never slip back, but I slipped! We finally broke up this year and the online slots then became somewhere to go for comfort.
I’ve spent over 40k since December, acquired 20k debt and no savings left. And every month I’ve tried to chase to get something back and every month I’ve lost it all, even the winnings.
I’ve spent all of my wages this weekend, every last penny, I'm so disappointed in myself! After telling myself that it won’t happen again this time. I’m exhausted, embarrassed and so so full of shame! I can’t tell anyone as they will never understand and I hope to find people here who just know how it is and find some solace in trying to move on and know I’m not alone.
Online gaming really is the loneliest disease. It’s taken everything from me. It’s a dirty secret and I just feel so drained and resentful that I have allowed this to happen. I can’t even explain why I have done it. It’s all my own doing regardless of what I think drove me to it and that’s a really hard pill to swallow. I’ll never get the money back and that reality is probably the most difficult thing to face today. What a waste of my hard earned money, for nothing!
This morning I called Stepchange and self excluded with GamStop but right now I’m sitting thinking how do I get through the next month until pay day and why have I done this to myself. All of my hard work undone in just 6 months and new debt added in to the mix.
I know I am fully to blame and take 100% responsibility but I don’t know how the government or these sites live with themselves knowing they are marketing and selling a lie to the most vulnerable - addicts. They are ruining lives and continue to do so even in the light of all the research in to compulsive behaviour, addiction and mental health. There seems to be more and more news stories of suicides by poor people who just couldn’t take anymore. I totally get how they end up in that sad place.
The stigma and shame has been the thing preventing me from seeking help, but today I can’t take anymore. I want my life back. I want to be able to do things and have money to live. I want full nights sleep. I don’t want to hear slots rolling when I have logged off or see the visuals when I close my eyes as I’ve been playing for so long. I don’t want to make excuses when people ask why I have no money again. I just want to be free of this.
I know that was long but needed to get some of it off my chest and hope that if it resonates with anyone else - you’re not alone 🙁
Hey.
Be happy for being here. You are waking up. One of the best wake me ups I can offer is this. Do you actually realise that you must wake up tomorrow and do normal things? So you can sit there in front of that pc with the grappling hooks that just keep you there till you can't be there anymore. Then you go to bed then you wake up.
Recognise it? It is the same S*t as last week and same as the week before.
Imagine the top of your head and your brain being caught by grappling hooks. Holding you to that computer till you are tapped out.
That is it. Nothing more. If you think about it. No money has anything to do wit this. It's the hole in your head and the grappling hooks that is making you stay. And I am sorry it sounds far out but any addict will know this. You are stuck till you understand that you are hooked. When you understand about those grappling hooks you can start to release yourself from them. I love metaphores because they make you think about S*t.
You need counselling. CBT is good and it helps you get a grip.
I wish you well.
Best
c
Hi I’m sorry to hear you’ve struggled again but you’ve realised and now you can start to rebuild your life. You did it before and you can do it again. I’m a female gambling addict with 2 yrs free and am involved in a female only group called “new beginnings” and is provided by BetKnowMore. There are 2 groups one on a Tuesday evening and the other is Wednesday 12-2 it’s a 10 week course and we just talk about our recovery and any other topics we want really. I’m a trainee facilitator and the difference in the women each week is amazing. It’s a non judgmental environment, all women who have all been in the same hard journey, wether it’s our first time in recovery or 3rd ☺️
You are right when you say the government needs to act, online slots are dangerous and designed to be addictive. You will never be the winner while you keep chasing your losses. How do think the CEOs of gambling companies are on million pound wages?
My advice to you is to open up to somebody, family or friend or whoever because while you allow it to be YOUR dirty secret, that’s what it will stay! You have to relieve the burden of that se
In my opinion those online gambling sites are dishonest and should be outlawed.
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