where do I start. I’m writing this feeling ashamed, low, upset and disappointed in myself, feel like I’ve let my mum, dad and partner down but more so myself. I’m so angry at myself. I started gambling nearly 8 years ago! Got myself into debt by placing big sports bets and loosing and then trying to claw back my winnings. I stopped for 6 years and today I find myself back in the same situation. I have been gambling for the past 2 months - it’s been a roller coaster for my mind- some days feeling great when I have been winning and others feeling so low and depressed when loosing. I lost all my savings yesterday (£6700)which in a weird way was probably the best thing that could have happened because I wasn’t stopping when the money was still there. Today I am going to start again. I have applied for a loan, installed Gamban and Gamstop! I just feel so worthless and helpless! I will struggle to get over the feelings I felt yesterday I have never felt so so low, almost suicidal. Even as I write this my head and heart are just so heavy I’m so angry at myself and what I’ve done. I just can’t stop thinking about it. How do I try and put it to the back of my mind? How do you try and forget about your losses and move on! I need advice help and support! This is the worst I have ever felt, I know I’m strong enough not to do it again, but that doesn’t stop this feeling of hate for myself which I have.
Hi Rmcleodx
Really well done for posting and reaching out.
You are never alone and there's always hope and lots of support available.
It's obviously all very raw at the moment and you will be going through many thoughts and feelings , Compulsive gambling is not a weakness so please try to not feel so down on yourself .
Maybe try contacting an organisation such as CALM at www.thecalmzone.net or The samaritans on 116 123 or make an appointment with your GP about how you are feeling.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
All the best
Kirk
Forum admin
One question comes to mind about the pain and self blaim. Will all these emotions help you? Will it help? I am not saying don't have them because it is only natural but falling off the wagon is a word that was thought of a long time ago. We rise and fall and learn and rise and fall and learn and that is a bit about what addiction is all about. Our memories fade and also alter every time we access the memory. Now how often do you think about gambling? Quite a lot right. So the equation will be that the more you access that memory the more it will morph and change and + all the media and advertising you are exposed to that goes straight into your subconscious the chances of you "falling off the wagon" again is and will always remain quite high. So forgive and create tactics to protect yourself. Only you can plan for a thing like this. Make sure you have some backup money. Make sure you know what things to do to protect your fall if it should happen. And be nicer to yourself. This is a long journey of learning. You will get better at it as time goes along. You will learn it is not black and white and there are and were never any on or of swithches. When you get that far you will find some peace with it.
Best
C
Thanks, I feel a weight has been lifted by even writing it down on this public form. I’m just frustrated at myself and thinking about it is still very raw and hurts as it was only yesterday, I know as time passes it will get easier and I will be less affected by it, it will become more of a memory of me being “totally stupid” but at the moment it is horrible. I just want to get back to being gambling free, not thinking about it and not letting it affect my life. I know I’m lucky. I have a small amount of debt but I still have my property, my car and my job and I have never let it go that far, I never ever will let it go that far but it just still feels so horrible. Just wish I could switch my mind off for a little bit and give myself a break you know.
Don't beat yourself up it won't help , I know how hard it is ,you've done it before and you WILL pick yourself up again. I know the strength and courage it takes to own up so well done. Dig deep, get determined and go again. You can do it
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