I'm struggling at the moment to see a way forward! I know what I need to do which is not gamble but I can't seem to stop pressing the self destructed button.
Heavily in debt (tens of thousands now) but the worst part is the impact that this has on my family life, they don't know about the gambling issues that I have (or debt) but I'm not the person I was. I'm not a very good husband or Dad at the moment.
My coping mechanism for dealing with my stressful job is to gamble which isn't healthy, the financial cost is becoming unbearable and I need to sort my life out ASAP.
My situation which of course is no one else's fault but my own is now causing me to feel mentally unwell and I don't know what to do.
I'm trying to be as positive as possible and I suppose this is the first step to changing my life, I have to forgot about the losses and more forward it just isn't that easy!
Welcome aboard
Forget the money it's gone. I like you carry a massive debt, have stressful job and a young family. It's easy to run to gambling, but we have all realised it is not the answer.
Your family is your priority. Money comes and goes throughout life. Stop gambling now, focus on your job and finances. Develop a plan that will get you through the next few months, shuffle credits cards, just pay the minimum to keep you afloat.
Spend as much time with your family as you can, keep yourself busy and do free things. Take the kids for long walks, feed the ducks, go to parks, visit relatives.
You need to clear some of the fog from your mind. What you are about to undertake is a massive task. Removing your escape route means you need to tackle your daily issues head on and deal with the baggage you are carrying.
If you have a stressful job, you are obviously an intelligent guy. Start using your brain to dig you out of this hole, and make sure you are filling it with cement on the way up - it is not be used again!
Good luck and start today
Morning,
There are a few practical steps that could be undertaken.
Firstly you could tell your family the situation you find yourself in. As scary as that may seem many of us gamblers have done this and lived to tell the tale.
Secondly give up ALL financial controls. Cards, cash, internet banking etc. Carry only a small cash allowance and if spent provide a receipt.
Lastly consider some of the debt management charities around. I have a debt management plan with Stepchange but some others on here have considered an IVA or bankruptcy.
Doing nothing will not help. I was there for a while and moving money from A to cover B and only making minimum paymets will catch up with you. it did with me.
The trust your family have with you and your credit rating will not be very high at the moment.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you well
21246pjc and Bal thank you for taking the time to post. Family is the most important thing and unfortunately I haven't been putting them first recently! I don't feel I'm in a place at the moment where I can tell my family which probably isn't the right choice but is where I'm currently at.
I have started the ball rolling from a financial point to plan and get myself out of this hole then it will take a good few years to pay off and not add to the debt.
Whilst I can understand there isn't a good time there can also be a bad time. My wife is expecting our second child and I'm worried that this will cause harm. This only compounds the guilt I feel but I need to control and stop, only I can do that!
Hi On The Brink.
Yes a critical part of this is that you have to accept thats what you did with the money. You must now focus on recovering and saving the quality of life for your family and yourself
Stress is linked strongly to gambling. It was my main trigger and it was actually because I was depressed and not happy with life. Depressives feel the stress more strongly and I was just fed up with bills and the hopelessness of life. I gambled to get any emotion above a zombie state and I wanted love from a machine. Machines that were destroying me. With counselling its quite a complex mental illness that fuels a gambling addiction and it ends up in a vicious circle
Honesty is your main asset and more than half the battle is finally admitting you have a serious gambling problem. In a moment of strength you must gain the courage to talk to your family about it. They can help with the essential blocks you will need to put in place.
Your worst enemy is secrecy because it plays into the hands of a gambling addiction. There is help out here for you and people do care. You will need financial advice.
Chasing by gambling is not an option because its the same odds and it makes it worse. There is no get it back later scheme when you look at the reality of gambling...so you HAVE to put the money behind you and get serious advice about debts.
It can be beaten with the right blocks and help. Our gambling vunerability becomes dormant as we regain a healthy mind. There is no room for complacency or half measures. You need to take the fight on with everything you have in the way of advice and support
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you for your advice Joydivider and half-life
Hi On the brink. Just thought I'd add my thoughts to hopefully help your dilemma.
I had kept my gambling activity from my wife for over 4 years. When I finally came clean it was because things had got so bad financially with all access to funds dried up. With a joint mortgage and other commitments she would definately have found out anyway. Personally, I would not have chosen to tell her of my gambling to save her from the hurt and stress, but that's just typical of the secretivety with the gamblers lifestyle and the continued belief in winning their way out of trouble. When I finally got to tell her she was obviously angry and upset at the financial loss and felt betrayed. I knew that she could never truely understand my mentality relating to the gambling, or perhaps would ever really trust me again. But gradually, my wife has become more supportive as she has acknowledged my positive actions with a willingness to change. We are now trying to work things out together with spending control and debt management.
I hope that you consider your own situation carefully, and wish you all the best.
Hiya I'd just like to say do what's right for you and if that means not telling you wife then that's fine. You know your own life and situation not anybody else, gambling mat thrive on secrecy by I'm doing it and I haven't told my hubby cos it's wrong for my particular set of circumstances it's easy for ppl to say tell all but what if they were in your shoes? Do what's best for you and your family best wishes Lu x
Hi,
I'm the wife who found out the hard way so I take a dim view of keeping quiet. Because it equates to more layers of lies and deception and as such, it's absolutely not ok.
Suppose there was something major that she hasn't told you? An affair that was over? Her own addiction? A previous pregnancy that she wanted to keep quiet? Or a current illness? She didn't tell you what you didn't need to know because it would be disruptive. When you inevitably found out, how would you feel about her failure to tell you?
There's a saying about being selfish in recovery. That's fine, it's intended to promote recovery, it's about putting meetings or counselling ahead of family time or other activities because these promote recovery and they're vital. Keeping quiet isn't being selfish in recovery because it has nothing whatsoever to do with recovery. And you're not unselfishly protecting her, you're just making the inevitable worse. How she deals with it is for her to decide. There is support available to her from GC, GamAnon, her midwife, her trusted friends and family.
Recovery, real recovery for you involves getting honest as a starting point. Getting honest and re-engaging with those around you. And you can't re-engage with those around you if you're deceiving them.
I haven't read anything on the forum to the effect that telling brought disaster. Quite the contrary, it brought relief. And no one has responded to Cardhue's thread about successful lying, presumably because lying is not the way to success.
Duncan describes recovery as his gift to himself. Hope you go for it.
CW
How are you On The Brink?
Eight weeks is a long time to be away from the forum. Hopefully you have remained gambling free?
A difficult time for you and your wife but remember that there is always help and advise on here which can make all the difference to gaining control of your life.
A couple of reasons why I haven't posted or really been on the forum which I've probably missed a trick and a lot of support in hindsight. Firstly I wanted to have something positive to write and also feel that I had achieved something. My debt which was all due to gambling has reduced from £52.5k to £32.4k which still makes me still feel sick but it's getting there and I only cope with this by taking it step by step month by month. Stopping gambling helped me to focus more in work and achieve a significant bonus in Feb which helped to pay off a large part of this but is still going to take years to pay off.
This brings me on to my next point. Recovery isn't a one size fits all model which appears to be the view of a number of people on this forum. Whilst it's great that people offer advice (often from difficult experience), the nature of some of these seem very one tracked and bordering on bitter. I choose not to tell my family and to deal with the complete mess that I made myself by myself. I made this decision for a number of reasons and it may change in the future but according to some on this forum X Y & Z have done it another way and it only works that way! Hopefully this gives the message that I want which is, we make our own decisions and should make these decisions based on our own issues and lives and there are different options. We have to beware that there are some very vulnerable people on this site during desperate times in their lives and the way that some put there messages and even agenda's across can be quite damaging and are being very naive to the impact.
Important that people realise whilst there is great advice and support it is only that and the decisions and change has to come from themselves.
Thank you to all the previous mentioned I hope you are all well and continue to be gamble free and happy in life.
Unfortunately started gambling again the last few days! I have self excluded from this site but I'm very disappointed in myself.
Unlike previous gambling binges I haven't caused myself any financial damage, which previously were heavy and I'm still heavily in debt but it has come down and continues to do so. I managed to stop after giving all my winnings back! I should be slightly pleased that I've not pressed the financial self destruct button but I'm not I'm just disappointed in myself as I keep thinking about gambling again!
Hi,not that I'm in a place to give advice (only 5 days in) you obviously managed to abstain for a long time, (not sure how many days?) so look at this as a one time relapse and maybe put the blockers in place so it won't happen again.
I know how easy it is to keep chasing and lose control. Been happening for 7 years with me. In debt which will take 5 years to pay off if I'm lucky enough to stay in business as have stole 30k this year alone and even stoke 17k of a customers advance payment 2 weeks ago for work that includes materials. I will now have to source funds from other mean's. I can't get credit as rating shot due to excessive gambling.
Did you come clean to your wife or did you manage to abstain without telling anyone? Hope things move forward for you and you can put the relapse behind you.
Hi amt722 thank you for taking the time to post and for your advice. To be honest I don't know the number of days but it was last November. I decided to deal with the mess myself as I felt and still do that no good would come out of my individual circumstances by telling my wife, family etc. I still feel this is the right decision which I know many do not. Not gambling (apart from last few days) has enabled me to be a better husband, father and concentrate on work with more focus as well as my own mental and physical wellbeing. I'm really disappointed that I put that all in danger by gambling again. I now the trigger it was to do with stress at work and thinking about my financial situation which has improved a lot but will still take a number of years to sort and I accept that.
amt772 I hope you manage to stay gamble free and whilst your situation sounds a bit more complex I had a much higher debt, the key was not adding to it which I almost did over the last couple of days. I found it a real benefit to put a plan together to reduce my debt that wasn't going to completely put a stop to any sort of a life for my wife and children and my debt is now below £20k.
Thanks again for your post it has helped me to regain clarity but I know how difficult the road ahead is!
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