Out with the old in with the New

Here we are another end to another depressing end to the year. Why do I do it almost every year at about the same time the same thing happens and I took two further steps back from last year I feels. I wasn't sure if to create a new user and start it all from fresh but I suppose we cannot run away from the past and have to deal with the future. I will try and keep this as brief as possible as the emotions are still very much raw as I am typing it. Today, most probably in quite a while I had a cry to myself most probably through sheer desperation, anger depression of it all and just wondering how and when enough will be enough. Haven’t had good quality sleep for weeks now either worrying about gambling or staying up very actually gambling.

Now a little bit about my gambling background. It all started in 2012 just an innocent trip to the bookies to place a £10 bet on a football game which I regrettably won. What followed in the next month and some years all of the money that I saved and borrowed down the drain (there ups and there were downs and more downs). Then there was a break for a good few years when I did not need gambling in my life. This was until about 3 or 4 year when I got sucked back into it badly. However this time the emotions were running even higher and also the stakes were higher (purely because of having a job). The beginning of this year I thought was the final act when I got will get grips with it. Had all of the barriers in places my gambling debt moved into interest free credit card for the next few years, with me not having access to the plastic cards at all. Then October came the weather changed the days were becoming shorter and I thought one little bet won’t harm anyone.

Fast forward 2-3 month and I have added a further 5K to my gambling debt. Just a few days ago I did win it all back and more but it went back to the bookie in just one day. This is just purely for my info my current Gambling debt stands at 13K (luckily I am paying into my savings account and that will not be used to pay off any of my gambling debt (it is my problem to deal with) This is now spread over interest free credit cards and one loan to cover these debts. As I am typing this I did not share my latest relapse with anyone but I am sure my behaviour lately is a giveaway. How do tell someone or people who you absolutely promised that last year was absolutely rock bottom and the only way is up? I so do want to tell my brother (who incidentally is also an CGA) but I just can’ bring myself to do it at least not yet. I will have to hand all of my finances back to him again. I will tell some of my friends who might or might not be surprised about my weakness in life. Also I am arranging for the first time see a counsellor just to get to the bottom of who,why and when. I am sorry for rambling on today of all days and to end it on a nicer note tomorrow is a brand new beginning at least according to the calendar and I hope that this time next time my outlook to life will be whole lot different.