Evening all. Still in disbelief in what I have done. Gambled for years, never really made many risks though, always felt as though I had at least a firm control on the habit. In the past I think I've made sensible decisions about when to know that I have deposited too much or won enough. Until the 22nd December. My second daughter had born the day before and my wife was still in hospital with her, I was on daddy duty with my other daughter. Lo and behold once she was in bed, I found myself on my usual gambling site. A worrying aspect of my behaviour I had noticed, especially over the past month was of a more 'care-free' attitude, I had been making bolder stakes on the online slots I was playing, this was unusual for me as I had always stuck to £1 spins. Without making ridiculous excuses, as I have only myself to blame, I believe theres a direct correlation between my reckless/confident bets of late and the fact that I had been on new medication recently, setraline. However, as I said, I cannot blame my behaviour as I was always aware of what I was doing, well partially anyway. Having never really won anything significant on these slots (over 1000) over the past few years, I decided to up my stakes on that evening, staking £20/£50 spins, after winning about £600. To my absolute joy I ended up winning £23000, I was so happy, I thought what s great Christmas suprise for my wife after giving birth to our child again. I immediately had plans for the money, I was going to pay off my £9000 car loan and put the rest in savings for our first house deposit.....and then. You guessed it, "Oh I'll just play the big stake spins to get me to the £20000 mark, I mean, I'd probably win more, and if not, hey ho". Well, as this was a different game, and one I had played many times in the past, I though I'd wait until it's bonus round kicks in....£19000, £16000... "what the hell, not normally this bad?!" Obviously the software takes into account the larger stakes and delays bonus rounds longer. I was still, somehow, confident I would at least make the 20k back, so I thought I'd go even larger, £100 spins, £200 spins. Voice in the back of my head asking "what the f**k am I doing", and another one saying "I always turn it around, it'll be fine". Yeah how wrong can I be. Whole lot gone within 45 mins and no bonus round. I was in shock and P****d off, couldnt believe it. Guess what. Yup, thought, well if I make a big deposit I'm positive I'll get back at least 10k.... Now find myself with 2 credit cards with a combined total of £18000. I really dont know what to do. I make 30k a year so theoretically can afford repayments but we're going to take a serious hit, how can I put my girls through this, especially knowing that I have a new baby to provide for. As much as I want to keep chasing this loss. I have to stop it and begin repayments. I believe I still have a limit , sounds silly but ai have 5 grand savings that was given by my mother, I know I would never touch that, and haven't. The one thing that makes me sick to my stomach is telling my wife. But I cannot keep a debt like this hidden, plus shes been keeping an eye on my finances as she even noticed over the past month I have been making larger deposits. It's going to break her, she has the stress of two young children and is emotional anyway, how can I dump this on her?!! I feel worthless. Any words of advice? TIA
Hi there I'm so sorry to hear about what has happened I've been there though just saying to yourself I will just play it down a bit then a bit more & the before you know it there's nothing left & you have put more in your account it's a right s**t & I feel for you, I know it might not mean a lot I hope you can get things sorted out for your family sake & for your sake as well, I've only stopped gambling for a month so I can't really advise you much apart from if you need a chat I'm here somewhere
Hi Gibbons
I know exactly how you feel. I did the same when I won big. I LOVED the thrill of the bonus rounds and I knew m by betting big, I'd get lucky and all my problems would go away. Except they didn't, as soon as I won big and I mean sometimes I won huge, I sat there until every penny was gone again and I had deposited the last pennies from my account! At times I was so desperate I would cry! All I wanted to do was deposit more to win it all back. Well..... read my story, I'm now facing prison because I stole thousands and thousands from my employer to fund my habit with every intention to pay it back. The longer it went on the more addicted I became and I lost complete control. I've just had a baby myself and don't feel I deserve to be happy but one day I will.
Talking about things helps and it's so good to have similar people share their stories and give us hope.
No matter how bad you feel what's done is done and you need to be honest with your partner. She may not understand and will be hurt and upset but she will find out sooner or later and it's best it comes from you. The pressure that's taken off once it's out in the open is crazy. I felt so alone and ashamed (still am) but not keeping a huge secret is a relief!
I wish you all the best Paul. Good luck!
Thanks for your advice everyone. Appreciate it. Just need to accept my loss for now and get the courage to come clean to my wife.
Hi
Secrets are corrosive. The longer you keep it the more of a burden it will become and the longer you give yourself to justify chasing those losses back.
It absolutely isn't ideal timing but my advice would be to do it as soon as you can and start getting effective blocks into place with (hopefully) your wife's support . Leaving yourself accountable only to you is a recipe for further disaster.
I too took money that was not mine yes it was from a family member and yes it makes you feel sick.Basically my luck ran out as it does with all gamblers.There is never a good time for stuff like this the first thing is to admit that you have a problem and over a period of time you have to be completley open and honest with all concerned no matter how brutal,embarassing,and shameful it is.Explore all the avenues available to you i.e. Gamcare,counselling,Ga meetings etc in time you will become familiar with these things.I can go on about it but in a short time I have realised its going to be tough and there is no magic formula but patience and perserverance however long it takes.Sadly the money is gone DONT TRY TO RECOVER IT it wont work and your wife remember you have to tell her no ifs and buts and no bs because you may feel how you do right now but she is going to feel million times worse its an obstacle and its part of recovery but a small price to pay you seem very lucky to have what you have and if you want to keep it for you and your family you are going have to take the rough with the smooth and It may feel like hell on earth but be honest and truthful to yourself and it can work and get easier and you cannot ever gamble again there is alot more I and others can say but just use the forum as an vital tool as part of a better life good luck.When you are are down the only way is up
Wow, cheers Jayd, very helpful. And Rach87, read your thread, really feel for you, its so easy to be told to keep your head up and try not to panic, and it is not that simple, the toll the stress these 'events' have on our lives is brutal. As with me, I am praying that, with all the shame and embarassment I feel at being so stupid when I look into my little girls eyes, that I can use it positively. From reading your posts I am positive you are not a bad person and will not be a bad mother, and from what I read, your employer is somewhat understandable, and I believe you have a good chance of deflecting the brunt of the consequences. If thats the case, you then need to try, like me, to start a new slate, unfortunately, most of us are on the backfoot now, owe money, need to reestablish trust with family, and need to acquire discipline. I am trying to wait for the right time to tell my wife about my monumentel mistake, the climate at the minute is not right, she is going through enough, I must say the sooner I tell her though, the better for me/us, she, I think, would ensure that I get my s**t together, thats if she doesnt run a mile. My name's Dan by the way not paul lol
Hi Dan. Yes I would agree that now is not the time to tell your wife. Her hormones will be all over the place and her body and mind both tired after giving birth. Firstly settle into your new routine with the baby and as things settle then say. You will also be able to add the actions that you have taken to stay clean
Hi Gibbons1987.
Firstly i feel for you i believe you got caught in the moment, All reason and sense vanish very quickly you were drunk with The high of the big win been there done that.
For the record Yes some medications are not good for CG's to use my doctor told me that.
My advice check with your GP if the the medication you are using could be one of them.
I completely ruined my family and my life chasing massive losses i have a criminal record will never be able to work again because of the record and the fact i destroyed my mental and physical health.
You have lost a lot financially and it will hurt for a long time.maybe a part time job to cover the cost of the credit losses may be a option for you its easy to say just put it behind you but once you have had a big win its always in the back of your mind i am due a win.
The more you gamble the worse it will get believe me i know the odds of you winning again are in the millions especially on slots.
Don't ruin all you have it really is not worth it. i could win the lotto tomorrow it would mean nothing to me i lost my family no money is worth that.
my kids are failing in life all down to me i destroyed a good home and a good family.
As hard as this will be just put it down to a few hours of madness.
follow the advice about putting barriers in place. IE no credit or debit cards is a good start.
Thanks marco12312. Yeah, it was exactly that, a few hours of madness, couldn't believe it. Just have to get my head around it, just hard to concentrate on anything at the mo.
Hi there I'd like to offer an alternative explanation if I may (meant with the utmost respect) :
- The 'obvious' reason to gamble seems to be with the aim of winning money. In actuality, this is one of the least real reasons to do it with most people. In your case, if you were really doing it to 'make money' then you would have stopped the moment you'd hit the big win. Furthermore, you were playing slots which are one of the worst ways to gamble (in terms of return to player) that exist. May I suggest that deep down you feel usurped by the presence of not one but two children, are no longer the centre of attention, and so wanted to regain that by showing your power, by messing everything up. Gambling was the mechanism by which you did this. Of course you should stop & tell your partner when the time is right but I feel you need to delve deeper into the reason(s) why you did what you did. Subjectively, your confession still sounds 'casual', I didn't feel convinced reading it that you really wanted to stop doing it (gambling), despite everything. It may be that you need to suffer through it more ; it's your choice whether you sacrifice that inevitable further suffering down the line by stopping now. However that will be what it takes if you don't stop now ; please try to imagine the further torment you & your family will go through if you continue (e.g. being kicked out of the family home & the ending of the relationship with the mother of your two children).
The money can be replaced in time, through hard work & through budgeting etc. It won't be replaced if you continue to gamble / play slots ! Try to let go of the feeling that they 'owe you'. Also, be clever about paying off your debts i.e. the highest-interest charging ones first. If you can transfer balances to 0% cards then do, as long as you don't gamble a penny with the newly-available credit. Think about using your mother's money if it means paying less interest, if this is painful then that is good, it might deter you from gambling in the future.It makes sense to use that 5k to pay off the highest-charging credit card or loan at 20% or whatever, instead of getting 1% interest on it. Tc
Hey Davey, first of all, thanks for that reply, eye opening to say the least. Certainly a few aspects you've mentioned that I think are spot on. You're right, I haven't yet totally convinced myself that I should stop completely, this is due to what you mentioned as well, 'they owe me'. It's angered me how once you start to up the stakes on these games, how much you have to wager to see any returns. At this point, I know I have very little chance of seeing any profit anymore, just would like to reduce my deficit now. The question is, like you said, do I suffer more for the chance to suffer less, or do I just walk away. Obviously I know the right answer, accepting and abiding by it is another, and willpower, as I'm sure you no doubt know by this point, has long gone.
It relieves me to say that I broke down on Friday night and cane clean to my wife, so glad I did. I can't believe how understanding and supportive she was, despite the utter dissapointment. She really is my rock. Just worked out my overall debt, just from gambling, and it's at about 25k.......25k in 2 weeks, just have no words. Could have paid for both my daughters weddings, such a fool.
Hi Dan (not Paul ha!)
Sorry I haven't been online for a few days so didn't read your reply. I'm so glad you've told your wife and even more happy that she was so understanding! You must feel such a relief that's it's not a horrible secret anymore. She can also keep an eye on you now and make sure it doesn't keep happening. My biggest regret is not talking sooner, I have the most amazing family and friends and they would have helped me through yet I was so ashamed and thought I had control (evidently not). We need to accept the money has gone and the debt is here but can be managed. I've set up a payment plan with my creditors, as long as you pay them what you can afford they are pretty accomodating. Or talk to Stepchange debt charity who will sort it all for you.
So silly but I keep thinking about a game I won big money on via WH site and I really want to play it again. The thrill of the bonus rounds and chances of winning big still haunt me but I have self excluded and won't ever be going back there!
I wish you all the best and will keep in touch đŸ™‚
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