suicidal thoughts

Hi Superstar,

I sense a great deal of frustration and desperation in your post and empathise with you.

One thing I have learnt as a recovering compulsive gambler is when I loose sense of reality that is when I am at my most vulnerable. As gamblers we all loose site of reality, 'one big win is going to make all the pain go away'.' If I can just win enough to clear my debt I won't gamble anymore.' The reality is the pain was there before the gambling and any win is not going to take the pain away indefinitely.

However all is not doom and gloom, gaining a sense of reality means the lies stop and you can begin to see that light and it can be quite liberating. In order to achieve this you need to be proactive; self-exclusion, blocking software and counselling or GA or both. It will take a little time for these intense feelings to ease, but that is why you have to have support. Going on your own can feel like wading through slurry in a thong!

You have made the first positive step by posting a brave and honest post which indicates that you identify you have a problem, you have asked for help which takes strength and courage.

Most gamblers go through similar feelings of guilt, humiliation, anger and despair. Unfortunately it is almost part of the process, but you can get better and you can climb out of this mess but only one day at a time.

Do not try and solve everything today, you will only set yourself up for more disappointment. Do get more help today; speak to an advisor, keep posting and put those blocks in place.

All the best, take care!!

Last year my gambling and debts got so out of control i couldnt hide it any longer. And was confronted by my family it was awful. But with the support of a sister taking control of my finances and putting a bloke on my computer I stopped. With the help of CAB i was able to manage my debts. I still owed a lot of back rent, my land lord was very good and accepted small payment to reduce the deficit. 3 weeks ago my son gave me 500 to pay towards the rent i owed.needless to say like a fool i found out the gambling block on my computer had finished. I lost the lot and cleared my bank account out as well. I wanted to die! I thought of just running away and living on the street. Drinking myself to death! I thought of suicide too.The last week has been the worst i have ever felt. Everything seamed so hopeless!!. In the end i owned up to my sister. It wasnt easy. I felt so disgusted and loathsome, of cause she was angry and upset. God i hated myself so much. We talked through options and how i could prove to her i wouldnt get into a mess again. What could i say? I dont understand it myself. I know now i need real professional help and support. After coming clean and doing something positive i feel a way forward. Today I feel a lot better and have managed to eat and not hide in bed. I to suffer from depression and know how hard it is to motivate myself. So I promise myself that each day I will do something positive to help myself however small. Today it to try and get some counselling sessions sorted. And clean up!. God bless you for offering you help in another post. I can feel you pain and would like to help anyway i can.

Thank you so much for both of you taking time out to speak to me, you can't begin to imagine how greatful I am. I feel I'm the person who can offer help and advice for other people however I can't even help myself? I'm a selfish waste of space. I don't deserve the beautiful girlfriend I have, unbelievable caring parents and family and every time I set myself up to fail I'm failing them and failing life. I shouldn't have been given this life if this is the way I chose to go on. The difficulty for me is I don't remember choosing this path, it almost feels as if someone has chose it for me. I would do anything in the world to have never ever gambled, at all. I cry myself to sleep not knowing what the next say will bring. 21 years old and wishing to end my life not even half way through it. The pain and turmoil I have caused other people isn't anywhere near the pain and turmoil I've caused for myself. I wish the world would swallow me up, give my life to someone who deserves it. That's what breaks my heart the most, knowing everything is my own doing. But not knowing why I do it? Thank you for your guidance, I do feel however if I don't sort myself out soon the end will be nye. Thank you to everyone's help and good look with your challenge. If It comes to it I will be watching over all of you. Trying to be that guidance that you all need!

God bless.

Hi there superstar,

I am actually concerned because your desperation becomes more prominent in this post. Perhaps one of the reasons you gamble is low self-esteem. I make this observation because in my own struggle I have had extremely low self esteem and loosing money confirmed that I was a bad person.

I still sometimes have low self esteem and it is at these times I want to gamble more than ever.

Right now in your mind there seems no future. But this is not true because it will get better.

You have mention the fact that you have a loving girlfriend, she obviously sees something very positive in you. If you do something permanent that's it there is no turning back it is the ultimate disappointment and that's all you will be remembered by.

If you really are going still can't see any light please please get hold of the Samaritans now just promise you will not do anything drastic until the morning will check in then

take care

I don't mean this to sound in any way cheesey, but you taking out that time to post this comment to me has genuinely saved my life. I'm just in dier need of help. All I can think about is getting the money back that I've lost. I'm sat here I tears writing this message. I just feel so lost. But lost because of something I've chosen to do myself and continue to do so even though I know I'm hurting people around me and killing myself inside.

Im in absolute despair, I don't want to give up. I just don't know what else to do :'(

We are all here because we made a bad choice at some point. We decided - for whatever reason - to start playing with fire and begin gambling. And now we have to pay financially and emotionally for the damage we have done to ourselves. It doesn't mean we are bad people, just we took a wrong turn in our lives. It is a pity that usually when we stop gambling we are at our lowest and it feels so hard. Thankfully help and advice is there to guide us.

You think you are hurting your family now? Imagine how they will feel if you're not here anymore. And for what? £1,700? No one's life is worth any amount of money. It is nothing that can't be sorted out.

Contact the Samaritans at http://www.samaritans.org/ please.

Do you not think £1700 is a lot of money for someone my age?? I was in university last year but dropped out due to ill health. I've always been unlucky with that but that's a whole different story. I think by never having control over something like that, that's what made me get such a thrill over the gambling as I felt finally for the first time in my life I had some control.

I have a student overdraft therefore I have 4 years to pay off the debt but it's just the thought of knowing it's hanging over me and my £300 credit card. I was considering before flipping a coin whether or not I do call it the end here, but your help and guidance from everyone who's commented has made me feel differently. I'm in such despair and want to fix myself. Not even for me, but for everyone who has ever been around me and cared or supported for me. Each time I gamble I'm putting a dagger into them, constantly fully knowing how they feel about it yet I still do it. I understand why my parents don't understand it. As I'm not even able to understand it myself. That's, there hardest part about all this.

Thanks

Good Morning Superstar,

I was just wondering how things were this morning and if you had managed to get hold of the samaritans last night.

As said in my prevoius post I am concerned as your posts seem to get more desperate. If you have the time today why not speak to a gamcare advisor. When I needed help initially I could not speak words but being able to use the net line helped me get out all the things that were troubling me and the person on the other side was very caring and was able to get me onto counselling.

I know it is not the amount of money that makes us feel the lowest of the low, it is the gambling every penny that makes us feel rotten, it is how we came about getting that some of money, it is who we lied to about what we did with that money, all these things are very common reasons for feeling low I am sure there are many more.

Superstar most compulsive gamblers at some point have thought of paying the utltimate price, for some the feelings are stronger than others. Unfortunatley like I said this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you can ride the storm and get the help you need then you will breath a sigh of relief in times to come. Your family who love and support you will see you develope into a possitive well rounded young man. Do not sabotage your potential success and recognise small achievements, like not gambling for 24hrs, this is a big achievment for a compulsive gambler.

Keep me posted and keep that chin up and please, please talk to someone!!

Take care

Zulu, with your help and guidance I've been able to realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am eternally grateful. I've just been paid today, transferred the bull of my pay to my dad. Who's looking after it for me and putting £500 in my savings so I can't access it. I've now gone a day 24hours exactly without gambling, I know it's small steps but I do feel better already. Every time if think about gambling, I've transferred the money to my savings account. So far today I have £80 in my savings account, instead of being in the bookies hands. I feel relief, but still hurt and are in pain. I am still depressed and as you suggested earlier, very low self esteem.

Please see is there anymore help

you can give me?? I'd be eternally grateful. Thank you, Zulu.

Hi Superstar,

I am very pleased you are feeling that bit better today. I am also very happy that you have someone to control your finances this is very important in the early stages of recovery. Weldone for your first 24 hrs not gambling you absolutely right you have to start with small things; and then when the time is right you can tackle some of the bigger things.

As I am endevouring to be a realist now I have stopped gambling for a while, I want to be honest with you and say the hardest parts of recovey are when you have money to gamble and when you are feeling low or stressed. What was suggested to me in the begining was to keep a diary. I had a small note book and everytime I felt like gambling or actually did gamble I wrote what I was feeling and what was actually going on in my life at the time; for example something went wrong at work I got stressed and the only thing I could think of was gambling. This helped me to identify the triggers and within weeks I could see a definite pattern in my behaviour, slowly I learn't to replace gambling with swimming this helped me to release anger and stress and helped with those difficult urges, to be honest it helped my low mood too. Obviously you need to find your release, go for a walk, write or whatever else you can do to balance your mind (just keep a clear head no drugs or alcohol). I used this site even if I did not post, I read threads and posts to remind me I was not alone with this addiction and actually there are so many people like me that are going through simular things.

In the begining all I wanted was a quick cure, to be fixed. It has taken a year to get to where I am now, believe me I still have a great deal to learn and my life is far from perfect. I have had a major relapse or two during my recovery and I go straight back to that dark black hole everytime. I have learn't to draw a positive out of every negative. Your see Superstar you say I have helped you but you have actually helped me too. The other night when I read your post I came onto the site because I was low and feeling like a gamble, I read your post and replied because your post resonated with me and writing to you made me forget about how I was feeling and I was able to write to you. After reading and replying to your post the urges had eased off because I realised you were me a year a go and I cannot go back there because I may not have the courage you have to do something about it and gambling makes me feel bad, so best I do not place that bet.

So thank you and stay strong one day at a time

It's unbelievable how finding one website can all of a sudden change your whole perspective on life it self. Going from thinking you're the only person in the world with this problem but knowing there are so many other people with this horrible issue is heartwarming. I want to do everything I can to stop legalised gambling, especially online. It's banned in the USA and it should be here.. I'm going to write to my MP and see what can be done. That will be, I feel.. My way of trying to deal with this life destroying addiction. I aim to do this before I have responsibilities and am older. I'm only 21 and I have my whole life ahead of me, YOU and the previous person who posted made me see this.. I salute you. I can only thank you...

Hey there?

I've just read through your story and you ask if £1700 is a lot of debt.

Mate you are in a very good position here.

When I owed that much I was getting more loans, credit cards and working every hour under the sun.i now owe 20k and have a wife and two kids to feed.

You have realised early before it gets out of hand.

Your life is worth much more than 1700 mate don't ever go down that road.

Stay here keep commenting and keep abstaining from gambling.

Mba

Thanks for your advice mate, I agree. Past 2 days I've realised my life is worth more than £1700, it may not seem a lot to you but it's an awful lot to me. All my life I've had diabetes and underlying medical conditions, I think the whole reason I gamble was because for the first time in my life it felt like something I actually had control over. Then when I lost it and all the losses were piling up, I felt my whole world coming crumbling down..

Stay strong mate and stay on here. You can do it!
Mba