I have been telling people who know i am a CG for months i have stopped gambling very convincingly this time
A few small wins and i mean small. helped me to cover up my lies as i was able to pay a few bills and keep things going.
I have even lied on this forum saying i was fighting the good fight, (sorry for that.)
Many on this forum have been very helpful and kind to me i did not want to let them down.
But as every CG knows luck if you want to call it that never lasts.
When i was on my mimi winning streak i could not read the posts on this site just wanted to block out all the sadness of the past years coming to this site is a reality check for us CG's here we have to face the truth we cant Win we will destroy are lives, we will hurt are families.
The truth is when i stop, and i can i did so for over twenty years in my youth with just sheer will power .
The pain overwhelms me i can accept losing the money. its the damage to my family that gets to me the shame and guilt drives me insaine it rips me apart. i cant sleep some days i dont even wash or shave.
I sit alone staring into the air beating the hell out of my self mentally for what i have done.
Not much chance of getting a job as i now have a criminal record for theft truth is i am to mentally ill to work any more.
Yes its depression i know that, and gambling did this to me.
I have started to take anti depressants even though i hate taking them.
I know two of my kids left home before they should have because of me and my mood swings.
i do not live with them.
but would call up most days trying to be a dad again. they with good reason lost all respect for me this led to arguments and my ex normally asking me to leave in tears.
I bought my kids expensive phones for christmas they never even rang me to Wish me a happy christmas.
This of course was my excuse to go on a gambling binge that's lasted since boxing day.
End result i am in deep s**t financially again no rent paid no electric etc totally broke.
i am supposed to help my ex with her rent today so the games up i cant pay
She will of course know what i have done. and she is struggling to keep the roof over her and a my youngest childs head. i don't even have anything of any value left to sell.
So i am back again.
The truth again.
I need to stop for them but i don't want to stop at the same time. I cant take the pain when I gamble I convince my self the big win will restore things back to the way they were i know this could never happen to much damage done. but for some perve r*e reason i can sleep eat and keep up my appearance when i gamble.
Sorry i just needed to vent.
If you don't want to stop them nothing will change for you
You need to help your self by wanting to stop that's the first step. You clearly have a problem but your kids especially will never see a change in you actions speak louder
Good luck
Marko, please take a moment. Your mental health sounds at its lowest point. The lies, and pretence are all part of it.
I implore you to be honest and give up your means to access your finances. I have done this and though I have fallen
it has been no where near as damaging and I have been able to cut avenues down as I find them.
You sound so heavy in your heart and I can resonate, but by continuing to gamble you are only falling deeper
as you can see.
Please ask someone in your family to take control of your finances.
Keep posting and honesty really is the best way forward and in doing so people on here can try and guide you
I will save myself from the dark wrote:
Marko, please take a moment. Your mental health sounds at its lowest point. The lies, and pretence are all part of it.
I implore you to be honest and give up your means to access your finances. I have done this and though I have fallen
it has been no where near as damaging and I have been able to cut avenues down as I find them.
You sound so heavy in your heart and I can resonate, but by continuing to gamble you are only falling deeper
as you can see.
Please ask someone in your family to take control of your finances.
Keep posting and honesty really is the best way forward and in doing so people on here can try and guide you
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Not much chance of getting a job as i now have a criminal record for theft truth is i am to mentally ill to work any more.
Yes its depression i know that, and gambling did this to me.
I have started to take anti depressants even though i hate taking them.
I know two of my kids left home before they should have because of me and my mood swings.
i do not live with them.
but would call up most days trying to be a dad again. they with good reason lost all respect for me this led to arguments and my ex normally asking me to leave in tears.
I bought my kids expensive phones for christmas they never even rang me to Wish me a happy christmas.
This of course was my excuse to go on a gambling binge that's lasted since boxing day.
End result i am in deep s**t financially again no rent paid no electric etc totally broke
i am supposed to help my ex with her rent today so the games up i cant pay
She will of course know what i have done. and she is struggling to keep the roof over her and a my youngest childs head. i don't even have any thing of any value left to sell.
So i am back again.
The truth again.
I need to stop for them but i don't want to stop at the same time. I cant take the pain when I gamble I convince my self the big win will restore things back to the way they were i know this could never happen to much damage done. but for some perverse reason i can sleep eat and keep up my appearance when i gamble.
Sorry i just needed to vent.
Know one will take over my finances friends and family have in the past. i let them down.
I am going to see about some type of residential treatment i am beyond will power i know this.
Family friends have all given up on me with just reasons.
i can not count the amount of times i lied to them.
I did manage to raise the money for my ex wifes rent not by gambling though.
Just because i beat gambling thirty odd years ago with will power alone.
But i was a very different person then this time i need help.
Thank you for coming back, I have been looking out for you.
I know that Graham Moody do residential placements, you can find them online and this may just
be your olive branch.
Glad you raised the rent the right way. Keep posting, we are all here for you. You dont have to pretend
on here. If you fall admit it. Only then can we know how to support you
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