This has to stop NOW.

Hi there

Ive just logged back in after another relapse and read your post.I am so sorry to hear you have got into a sticky situation and totally get how you feel.

I find it helps to draw all my cash out when i get paid, i just cant have money in my account. I try and pay everything by bank transfer as soon as it hits my account and draw all the rest out (which isnt usually much anyway!)

Having said that i have been known to use the pay by mobile (my mobile phone bill is £180 this month, £21 of that is for my contract!)

I have just self excluded from those sites and will call o2 to see if they can restrict any gamblng site purchases.

When i say i draw my money out, its so difficult. WHen i get paid my money will go in to my account say 5.30pm. If i am home from work by then i find it so easy just to log on to the laptop and set myself a limit, say £30 but that always turns in to more. Once I am logged on i cant even move!

Tonight i did it because i feel low and moody about something, i wont go in to what but i just wanted to gamble and didnt care about the money, not tonight anyway. I like the games, i quite enjoy them but its such a waste. i always say, ah well i would have spent that on a night out, it has become my social life!

i feel i have stopped so many times now but depending on my mood etc it always starts again.

So what i was going to say, was that when i self excluded this eve it took me to a website called Gamstop. I registered my details and apparently it willl self exclude me from all participating sites. This takes about 24hours apparently. To be honest i am kicking myself as my plan was to spend £30 on pay day on one of the sites i have put the most money in, and get back all my losses. That is really what i believe!!! Will it happen -nooooo way! Of course not! So another part of me is quite proud of myself.

The awful feeling you get in the morning is horrendous, I have been there, not even slept sometimes. Then it passes after a few days, for me anyway and as soon as i get some money i just gamble it. And get the horrendous feeling again.

Its so difficult and sorry for going on about myself, i just dont know what to suggest. i thought problem gamblers were those that go into a casino and put £10k on red or black. I cannot afford to put a tenner in let alone all my wage, but I have done it. My house was going to get repossessed last year, i went to court, luckily i kept my home but I havent made full repayments for the last 2 months because of gambling, I expect a letter through the door and I dont expect them to give me another chance but I still gambled £30 tonight which could have gone towards that or another bill.

I am just typing this thinking how stupid I am i could actually laugh at my self. I know i have a bad relationship with money, as i have always struggled to get by and always been irresponsible with it. I hate money its my worst enemy. I really hope you can get by the next week, the thing is we do, so then we do it again! ANd again! Feel free to get more off your chest, i know i have done so thank you for the opportunity i am sorry i cant help. 🙁

Thank you jo999. I hope you managed to get some sleep.It's 7am and I've just woken up my heart is in my stomach and I'm very panicky. It's a feeling I never wanted to feel again but like you say here I am again. Just having someone who understands how it feels is help in itself. I'm not looking forward to today as I have some very difficult conversations I need to have.Promised I wouldn't do this again and again but well how many times have we all said that. Thank you for the tip about gamstop i registered last night after self excluding from all the sites.
I will be on here a lot as last time keeping a diary really helped. Feel free to drop by for a chat whenever you like. Hope your ok.

Hi snowball, Such a sad story and there are many similar, including my own on here. My advice to you is the advice received off this site. Confess you have a problem, which you intend doing anyway, trying to carry the burden of this addiction on your own is virtually impossible. Willpower alone to beat this problem is also virtually impossible, as the temptation to gamble when you have money (payday etc) is so great.

If you are telling family members etc today, then that creates an opportunity for you to ask them to look after your finances, cash, cards, everything, no half measures. You need to make them understand that you have a real addiction and need help and support, not by them giving you money but looking after your money. Without money you cannot gamble, this will then give you chance to regroup and make a positive plan going forward, whether that is counselling, GA etc.

You cannot carry on like you are, your kids without food, no petrol in the car is a terrible way to live. Gambling turns people into secretive liars and cheats who steal and manipulate, not to mention the sleepless nights caused through losing all our money and not knowing which way to turn.

I am telling you this from my own experience of the roulette machines in the bookies, they almost finished me, I earn decent money but never went on holiday, or bought myself clothes or anything nice, the petrol gauge always in the red and borrowing money all the time. It is shameful and embarrassing so I know how you feel. But if you do not make a real effort to change then nobody else can do it for you. Keep posting, there are knowledgable people here who will give great advice.

After a chat with the support on netline and getting the counselling ball rolling agin and having a long chat with my brother who is thankfully going to lend me £50 so the kids and i can eat this week,i still feel like c**P,sick,headache,sweaty,beating myself up all the usual suspects are here in full force,all the self hatred for what i have done is hitting me right now but i know these feelings will pass as i have been here before.I need to get my game face on for work and start working out how to turn all this round.I've just been promoted at work,both my kids are happy and healthy,all i need to do is finally get myself to where i need to be,find the old me,happy or at least not feeling like this,i have had one hard conversation with my brother only two to go,my mum and my eldest,time to turn things round financally this time next year i fully intend to be sitting on a beach with my youngest,although i feel like s**t right now, i fully intend to turn this round.no more gambling,no more lying,time to face this addiction head on and finally get my life back on track.TIME TO CHANGE.

Hi again snowball!

Well i know that feeling all too well. The thing is whats done is done now for all of us, the next thing is to keep away from it.

I noticed from you profile that you too are a single mum. As am i and have been since my son was born, so i have lived with money worries for most of my adult life.

First of all we need to give ourselves a pat on the back. Yes, we have made mistakes, I know I am not perfect and can be quite irresponsible with some things, but it takes alot to raise children on your own.

So of course we are going to have times when we feel the need to self destruct, for example, boredom, lonliness, self pity, envy of the lives other people lead. It could be anything...even including certain times of the month!!!! ergh. I get triggers and had one last night, feeling low, just wanted a buzz for a while. What i should have done before now is contact 02 to get them to bar all purchases on my phone bill. Hindsight is a great thing but hey ho.

We need to focus on whats making us do it and act on that. Once you have got yourself sorted for this week, then we need to tackle what to do on the dreaded (for us) payday! Mine too is next week. I have written myself a list of not who to pay but what to do when that time comes. So mine will be:-

1- stay at work until the money hits my account - (it goes in early evening the day before 'payday')

2- log on to banking and transfer money for bills. Its useful to do a financial spreadsheet or list and if like me you are in debt ring all the companies and tell them you are going to pay them £so much on payday. Do that this week.

3 -leave £ in for direct debits (thats the hard bit but i get them to come out the day after i get paid)

4-withdraw all the rest so i have cash for the month. You could pay back a little bit of what you owe to your family in cash?

5 -go meet a friend, go out, go for a drive, go for a long walk, a picnic, buy something nice, spend a tenner in the pound shop!(basically dont go home and log into the laptop!)

6 - (maybe do this the day before) Hide the laptop - out of site out of mind, put it in at the bottom of the garden if need be, in the loft. You could get your eldest to change the password just for a couple of days until you have paid everything that needs paying and withdrawn all your money so the temptation isnt there.

I know you have alot to deal with before then so maybe read this again later in the week and make detalied lists, instructions to your self about what you are going to do and take steps like that. I know our situations are different but one thing that we have in common is that we are stong. We have had it tougher than this at at least one point in our lives. You are right it needs to stop and we can do this!

I hope this helps, even if its just a tiny bit.

Today has brought sunshine so i hope you can sort some things out and get to enjoy it.

Jo

PS. On 14 July 2019 you WILL be sat on a beach with your youngest. I have faith in you 🙂

Thankyou Jo 🙂 your words mean alot right now,your right i am strong,i know i am,i've done nothing but fight my whole life to get somewhere,but feel like im running in concrete right now,i left my 25 yr relationship because i couldnt deal with the emtional abuse any longer, a big reason why i started gambling,but we have been seperated for over 8 yrs now,even though i gamble my kids have always been dressed,fed and treated(when i could). Im terrified of the conversation i have to have with my eldest as he has been through all sorts of stress and pressure because of my gambling and dont want to lose him but i'm really pushing my luck with him right now,hopefully he will be cross then calm down as i need him to take control of my wages until i get my feet firmly on the road to recovery.

I got a new bank account about 4 months ago so i wouldnt have to look at all my gambling but that clean sheet is dirty again,so i might try and open a new one so it would be quite clear what goes in and out.I will think about that one.

Lots of good ideas there i think i will hand over my laptop for a few days before and after payday,everything i need to pay can be done in cash,apart from a few things which need to be paid by card.

Its weird how i can leave my ex with nothing except my kids and car,completly broke and mange to house them,feed them,get a job etc with no help from anyone,get back on my feet but dont seem to be able to kick this S****y addiction which keeps me from reaching my full potential and like you say i didnt need to gamble to get money for stuff i just needed to save for a little while,i dont even want to think how many holidays i could have had with what i've won and lost.

I may be 46 but im also going to look into some sort of training maybe even look at getting a second job for a little while to start paying these debts back espically to my family as none of us are well off.

One day at a time,today i will deal with some stuff and then tomorrow will be another step closer to the goal,from here on in one day at a time.

Road to a new life begins.

I have had along chat with my brother,i am truly blessed to have him in my life,he has in turn spoken to my mum,who i am just going to see as i could really do with a mum hug right now.

To anyone who may read my diary,just take one step at a time and one day at a time,today and tomorrow will be a very challenging and emotional days for me,dealing with family members but i cant stop time so i have to deal with it. I'm great at dealing with the practical side of sorting this mess out,its the emotion and family that takes it toll on me. No one else to blame but myself, time to suck it up and sort this mess once and for all.

i have a headache 🙁

Thats great to hear you have reached out, your family would want you to! I am 46 too! what a pair we are, and ironically it is 25 years to the day I left an abusive relatonship, 5 months pregnant and went to a refuge in a town i didnt know anyone. And i was 21!

We will get there and I hope things seem better already. You are lucky to have support. Remember today as a positive day when everything changed for the better. x

Thanks Jo 🙂

Had a long chat with my mum today,she refuses to help financially (i knew that as last time she said she wouldnt bail me out if i gambled) but thats fine as i wasnt asking her to,she will on the other hand support me fully in every other aspect.The trouble is they have heard me say all this before at least five or six times,i suppose actions speak louder than words and i just have to prove it to them and myself,this has to be the last time,i have to defeat this addiction once and for all and be the person i know i am.My kids dont deserve to go with out because of my stupidity. I've given myself 3 months to get straight money wise,getting my rent up to date and getting my son paid back in full.Luckily payday is only a week away rather than four weeks away which is normally the case. Youngest only has 3 days left at school so i only need petrol for three days rather than five,Neither kid is overly fussy about food as long as they are fed,so a week of cheap meals beans on toast,spag bol etc so its going to be a squeeze this week but im sure i've got through with less at times.

I must get some sleep tonight as my eldest is home tomorrow and thats going to be the hardest conversation.

moving forward.

Lib

So far so good, you are doing well, we are doing well as I am one week to payday instead of 4! Wow been there for sure.

Hope everything goes ok today, it will be tough but he is your boy and loves you no matter what.

Let me know x

Jo