Well after reading through this forum I can tell you my story is very similar to most of youse. (from Ireland).
I started gambling properly around 16. But i was always fascinated by the slots in the amusements before that and those horse racing games with the 6 horses in the amusements that jumped along, i remember being torn away from them by my parents at around 10 or 11.
I really got interested in gambling around 16,17. I never would have dreamed to have walked into a bookies at that age as I was brought up being told these places are for degenerates and nevee to go into them. Indeed i remember in my late teens I would laugh at and cringe for those people you'd see outside the bookies, little did I know how things would end up.
At the age of 16 or 17 my brother was in university or unemployed in his early twenties and he would have a few bets in the afternoon while watching at the races, this really garnered my interest. I set up a p********r online account and deposited 10 euros. I would play small stakes with this and occasionally receive a cheque in the post, bringing up some small losses.
I was very into computers at the time and would spend hours and days trying to set up online business- i had a few websites and was earning a little bit with google adsense and generally doing quite well but I was definitely addicted to this also and would find it difficult to drag myself to bed after working on it.
It seems at some point ( I cannot pin point exactly ), but at some point i transferred this energy towards gambling.
b*****r fascinated me. I had all sorts of schemes in my head, worked on many spreadsheets trying to calculate ways to lay out and guarantee a profit etc. During my time at university I would rarely attend and would get a buzz around staying at home, laptop out and betting whilst watching AtTheRaces or the live feeds online. Some times it would be blind betting but mostly i would try to lay at certain levels in-running - there would be some logic to it but obviously I lost and lost lots.
I committed my first theft around 20 or so, taking my sisters credit card and racking up around 1-2k on it on b*****r, i remember those gut wrenching nights on my computer backing the US Racing, and losing the cash, then one night hitting the deposit button and the it failed, the limit had been hit. It was as gut wrenching week until eventually I was found out and my dad paid off the debt for my sister.
At this point I think I had a brief period off the betting and my family thought I had stopped for probably 1 or 2 years but in reality I was probably off it for 2-3 months.
At the age of 22 or 23 I started working part time for an online gambling company. I now had some real funds to gamble with. It was difficult to bet on your phone in the office so initally I used to always have a lucky 15 or a few for the day in the office watching the racing etc. b*****r app on my phone would be used on trips to the toilet. I think I won a good sum around 10k one day on a placepot, had bought about 100 units.
Anyway through my mid-twenties this continued. I somehow completed university degree and a masters with a decent grade.
Intermittently I would go bankrupt but I was living at home so in reality i could live on nothing and the 'bail-outs' were small, but i would still be bugging my parents for 50 euro to go out, get clothes etc when I was taking in around 1000 euro a month for a part time job.
My life continued to be a constant battle to stay above water, now i was able to get some credit and manged to get into around 1-2k of debt. If only i had have stopped at this juncture in my life it would have all been repairable.
But from 26 on things developed and debts spiralled.
At 25 or 26 I had a good period off betting, probably 6 months or so. I was actually unemployed at the time but it was around summer and there was things to do. However, i developed bad anxiety during this period. During the period of absitence when my brain switched off betting it seems to have switched to other things, I got terrible anxiety about my health.
I started getting panic attacks and struggled to go out with people. The drink helped and started to develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. After quitting the gambling company for a period due to the gambling issues I rejoined as i needed some income. Things spiralled, i was gambling more than ever and around Christmas time that year I almost collpased one day.
I remeber I was in the bookies on Christmas Eve, i rarely at this point used the bookies but i needed to as had no money for gifts. Anyway long story i lost all the cash, had no presents for anybody that christmas. I got my dad to transfer me a few quid and bought some tokens from the pound shop. Coming home that day on the bus i felt close to death, i remember going home and dowing a few cans as i knew a panic attack was looming, it came hard and i almost collapsed in the bathroom at home. That Christmas was hell, i was up the wall with anxiety, had blown all my cash and was at wits end.
Things calmed a bit after that and I ended up moving to the UK for work.
I got a small inheritance from my grandmother which made life easy for a while and i didn't actually bet initially over there. However, at some point something clicked and i wasted all the inheritance. I then found it much easier to get credit in the UK, i had virtually no access to credit in Ireland. I racked up about a 5k overdraft even though my wage was only around 1.5k a month. Then hit up pay day lenders, friends, family, everybody.
I was drinking a lot too. I had built up around 3 months rent arrears and was going to be turfed out. I ended packing up and moving out of the flat when the housemates were at work and stayed some weeks in a hostel funded by my dad. I had to hand in my notice as the lifestyle in the UK was killing me.
Fortunately I landed a very good job back in Ireland and i should have used it as a clean slate. However, after some good initial intentions i started gambling again. This time i would use bookies too as i had exluded myself from most online sites. I managed to meet a nice girl and we moved in together very quickly, this really upped the stakes as I now had big outgoings for rent, travel ....the money i would usually use for my gambling.
Long story short, the last two years have been full of endless lies and cheating to try and get by.
I live a double life.
I try and act happy and do a good job in front of my work colleagues and friends.
In reality each day is a battle to survive, trying to patch over debts and pay the next rent bill. I cover my debts up with lies due to this reason or that. Taking money from the girlfriend and family for nonsense reasons. I have built up around 10k of debt to Irish banks and my family is out of pocket probably around 20-30k.
In recent weeks my family think I am off gambling as I have been bailed out multiple times in the last two months. To the tune of around 10k. I have said this money was used to pay legacy debts etc, this is true to an extent but in reality about half of it has been used to gamble.
The reality is i even bet yesterday, the day before I had managed to get the balance up to 3,5k which would have cleared my urgent rent and debt payments but it was gone by the evening time.
I am at that ever too common low point and I need to change. The sad thing is i have been here many times before. I was going to a counsellor and managed to stay off it for a month or two each time but I quickly went back to type.
Today I have closed my skrill wallet account.
Put gamban on my phone.
Self exluded from the sites ive been using.
Requested to close one of my bank accounts to come up with payment plan.
In the process of changing my payroll bank account to my girlfriends.
You have done so much already. Well done! You need to maintain this momentum and this positive action. I know others will come on with far more solid advice, but I think you have made a great effort so far. Just take it one day at a time and, importantly, write off money lost now. I had a bit of a relapse thinking I could somehow recoup losses..l just keep your eye on a GF free future...
Cheers- yes that is the mentality that crushes you.
At the moment I am still so close to 'using' that main danger is to return.
After 1-2 weeks clean them thoughts leave and the next issue will be to avoid triggers.
At present i need to stop any possibility of thinking about lost cash and any temptation to return.
I will visit my counsellor next week.
An update;
I am now into the 3rd day clean.
I have followed through on the above stops.
Fortunately (perhaps foolishly) I was bailed out from family so I am in a position where everything is currently in order and will just require monthly debt repayments to family and some credit institutions.
Most importantly I have forfeited my bank account to my a trusted family member who has no control of it with personal code and the card. I have cancelled all other accounts including skrill.
I feel going forward my biggest issue will be filling up all that time i spent gambling with other activities. Activities that interest me.
I sense i could get a bit depressed without that adrenaline rush.
I know what you mean, I am 15 days, but got to 19 before and then relapsed. I spend a silly amount of time on here - but I will need to find something else too!
Thanks again Lil
Yea- I have been keeping relatively active and occupied but i can't shake off that feel for some buzz/
Some adrenaline kick. Will need to take up some competitive sport or something of the likes.
Hi there, I’m 6 days clean after racking up a xxk debt.
Ok so that posted before I was finished. This life sucks. Everyone aware of my addiction and counselling in place but I can’t get the figure out of my head that I owe. It keeps haunting me and when I think where I could have spent the money instead it kills me. My perfect credit history is going to be affected now as I’ve had to enter into a dmp but what other choice did I have. Sorry to jump on your post but needed to share
Hi new, its seems like uve got one hell of a clever mind and you were obsessed with gambling and tried all avenues to get the best statistical advantage over the bookies. However unfortunately they make a business out of it and will allways have the edge. You seem to have had most of your life so far apart from ur childhood spent gambling and if u remember was ur childhood better than ur adult years? Id say it was probably less stressful and more enjoyable. Id spend the next few years paying ud family back as they've really been ur rock thru all this. Its only money but try to focus on the positives. Uve stopped now and can build up a better life. Join gamstop immediately u wont regret it. Good luck ill keep an eye on ur diary mate. Welcome to gamcare it really helps, adam
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Thanks for all comments. Well I’ve managed to stay gamble free. But the free time and more importantly the time to think has made me a bit depressed and I have that feeling of being at a loose end. I’ve been drinking a bit but no more than I would have been gambling but I don’t have gambling to focus on so my mind goes but crazy when drunk- usually id just go gamble.
It’s tough - I’ve got a meeting with counsellor this week and hope that will put a few things in place.
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