OK so this will be a long post!
I’m a 39 year old compulsive gambler. Started when I was 18 on fruit machines and racked up 7k of debt which was >100% of my earnings. Parents found out I confessed and did GA and stayed clean for a couple of years.
Then moved to London for work. Within 6 months or so became hooked on online poker. Over the next 3 years spent all my spare time playing online until 2-3am every night causing me to pull sickies and perform poorly at work. By 2006 had built up debts of 40k which again was about 100% of my salary and had stopped opening my post. Was probably days away from CCJs being issued but somehow pulled my head out of my a*s at the last minute and arranged some 5 year consolidation loans.
The next few years were good. Don’t think I ever stopped gambling but it was pretty under control and got married in 2012 and now have two great sons. Problems really started again in 2014 - we moved house and had our first son and my wife stopped working. From that point our finances were borderline and instead of having a frank conversation and setting a budget with my wife I started slowly accruing debt living beyond our means, which put me on edge and the gambling started slowly as a way to fill in the shortfall. You all know how that goes!
From 2014 to mid 2016 it probably wasn’t that bad, the odd Poker session and casino binge but debts were building. Not all mine as my wife had about 20k of debts from before we met.
By mid 2016 it became apparent we were in trouble so I carried on gambling at an increased pace. Would be losing 1-2k per month on online poker and casino sessions after nights out regularly getting home at 5am. By March 2017 had around 100k of debt accrued. Managed to get a remortgage to repay everything but that still left us with a monthly shortfall due in part to my overspending and my wife (being blissfully unaware of our outgoings also overspending).
So again the debt started to build until this year when I’ve totally lost control of the gambling. Were currently in debt to the tune of 70k and due to loan repayments have a monthly shortfall of about 4K. I’ve probably caused at least 40 to 50k of this debt trying to win the shortfall and right out budget. It’s a total mess.
I feel utterly sick. My last bet was today losing £100 on online poker in one last desperate attempt to get that elusive win and I’m done with it. This is finally rock bottom for me. Aside from the financial nightmare I’m a physical and mental wreck. I like to think of myself as a good person deep down - kind, caring, hardworking and funny, but truthfully I’ve been none of those things the past few years. My wife and sons deserve so much better than me. I just can’t carry on like this - I’ve been living with constant stress for years, our finances are literally never out of my mind. I feel like I’ve had an upset stomach and dull headache for years. I can’t concentrate at work and I smoke about40 cigarettes a day. Miraculously, despite putting in virtually no effort at work I am well regarded and well paid but career is nowhere near where it should be.
I feel like our whole marriage has been filled with deceit and I know telling my wife will absolutely break her but at this point I feel like I have no choice whatever the conversation consequences. I go to bed every night hoping to never wake up so the pain will finally end.
Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated.
Hi tired of living this way.
Welcome to the GamCare forum, and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure other forum members will be along to welcome you and offer support. I just wanted to quickly say, you might get more responses if you make your initial post in the 'New Member Introductions' section. So what I've done is copied your post to there - it will appear in both Diaries and Intros simultaneously. This should ensure that it is seen. In due course, we can remove the link to it in the Intros section and leave it in Diaries.
Wishing you all the best with your recovery, and keep posting.
Deirdre
Forum Admin
That's so much debt. I don't think an IVA would be an option either. Bankruptcy? My heart goes out to you. Gambling is horrible. Turns the nicest of people into a mess. Whatever happens, good luck. You need to talk to your wife about her spending.
Having been in your wife's position I can promise you she needs and would want to know sooner rather than later. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to dig the hole any deeper.
Get advice on the debt from agencies such as Payplan (Mr L used them and they were excellent) or Stepchange. Just make sure it's a free one.
Get some solid blocks into place to prevent your access to cash and casino sites and look into counselling and GA meetings. Alongside the blocks you will need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.
Just typed a long reply but it didn’t post.
Thanks for the advice I agree with it all. Going to tell the wife on Friday as I feel I owe it to her to be there at the weekend to deal with the fallout.
This is absolutely killing me though. I’ve always known deep down this day was coming but now it’s here I can’t see any reaction apart from everyone disowning me. God knows I deserve it as I have become a complete scumbag. I hate myself so much. Going to head to a GA meeting after work tomorrow and the go as often as I am able. I just feel so down right now don’t see any way I make my 40th birthday.
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Thanks all for your comments.
The debt thing is complicated by two things. 1 I should be getting a bonus in January that would allow me clear almost all of it and 2 I am an accountant in financial services and genuinely don’t know whether I’d keep my job if I did a DMP / Bankruptcy.
Also our house has more than enough equity in it to clear the debts so surely would better selling and renting than those other options? Genuinely don’t know.
Definitely need to speak to a debt management charity to see what the options are.
Thanks again for your help and understanding.
I can’t offer financial advise as I am not in the know.
What I can say is that I have a formula where you can win at gambling 100% every time. Gambling is a 8 billion pound industry and to every gambler they are saying, come on try to beat us, do we really stand a chance of beating them with the amount of money they have behind them?
Harsh words to follow but true.
The gambling industry is at present laughing and jumping up and down at your plight and calling you a SUCKER. Well you can turn that situation around by not giving the gambling industry a single penny and jumping up and down and saying, ‘ha, ha, ha, your slowly dying as money is drying up and I am one of those that isn’t feeding you any more, IN YOUR FACE’.
Be strong, I know you can do it.
Shaun
Clearing the debt via selling up is akin to a bailout. Anything that wipes the slate clean gives a gambler in their mind carte blanche to start all over again. You had the remortgage but still went on to build up this debt. Mr L had a complete bail out from me and my very generous parents but still went on to accrue the same amount in further borrowing and this is unfortunately a very common theme. Aside from that Mr L was mad keen to downsize to pay off the second bundle of debt. I am really, really glad I resisted as I'm not sure I could have got past the ensuing resentment.
I think you need expert advice on the debt especially as you're due a lump sum that would be close to clearing it but a first port of call could be to check your contract to see what if anything it says about financial difficulties.
Echo the advice not to sell. I remortgaged, downsized, blew through inheritance the lot...Convinced myself over & over & over again that if I could just get straight I’d stop! Gambling is not a financial problem, it’s a me problem & now that I have accepted this & I’m working on me, I find it very easy not to gamble anymore.
Tackle the gambling & the honesty & you will figure out the debt, bailouts just enable addiction.
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