What an Idiot

Hello Nuevo80,

You mentioned that you joined the site seven years ago and that you made some progress back then, but more recently you've recognised that gambling has become more of a problem for you again. Well done for posting about it and for self-excluding.

If you've been looking at the site for some time, you are probably already familiar with the usual additional measures like blocking filters and limiting your access to money or increasing the transparency of your spending. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software#.VCA52fldXww

It sounds like you are finding it difficult to open up to your wife about what has been happening. If you'd like to talk about how you're doing with your recovery, you're welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133. The advisers on the freephone or netline can listen and share information about various self-help measures, and give you details about additional types of support like the free confidential counselling apppointments that are available to support recovery from problem gambling.

It sounds like you are adopting a 'One day at a time' approach, which is one shared by many of our forum users. If you like, you could start a recovery diary so that you have a place to collect your reflections on your day to day recovery.

Take care,

Forum admin.

You are here posting. You are not an idiot - this is a horrendous addiction.

You obviously want something to change in your life. I can't comment on your personal definition of "rock bottom" but my own was like being in hell.

I wish you all the best and hope you keep posting and pursue a path of your choice that makes you happier and bet-free.

Best wishes, Phil

Hi Nuevo80,

Hope you sre well and keeping strong, just wanted to message to see if all is ok and your day count is adding up. Have a good weekend 🙂

Mac1989

Little update..

Was able to stay away from the online slots for a couple of weeks... Then as expected I gave into my urge to give it one last go which lasted from August all the way up to just before christmas.. The amount of money I blew is ridiculous. For whatever reason I saw some sense and didn't waste all the money I'd been paid to have over the xmas period but I could have just aswell lost all of it...Stayed away from gambling for few weeks over xmas period but as soon as I got back to work last week I went full throttle again...Just p*s*ing my well earned cash away..I'm just so so sick and tired of it..I know how stupid it is... i know the casino will always win in the end..The amount of stress and embarassment I've put myself through this last year and I still go back for more... There's nothing more I want than to quit for good...

good luck to everyone

Welcome back . Most people if they are honest with themselves have relapsed time after time . Always for various reasons. I see new members on here and I really hope people stick to the advice and are true to themselves but it’s like a suitcase carousel. Sometimes you keep going round and round until it’s your turn to step off . Make this your turn

Expecting to fail gives you permission to do so.

What are you going to do to change the outcome next time the urges strike?

Thanks for anwsering folks...

I got through this weekend without betting on anything.. The urge was there, constantly..But I'm so annoyed at myself that my level of anger is some how out weighing my desire to gamble..I tend to binge gamble on slots, Last week promised myself this would be last deposit of 30 quid regardless of outcome..Back of my mind I was hoping for a big win to keep the playing going longer..And yep of course I hit a couple of big wins and had balance up to 1600!! We all know what I did next..Instead of cashing out and leaving at least with a little cash in my pocket I blew it all away on huge ridiculous stakes...It's pretty much there that I really said to myself that there's something wrong with my brain..I'm stuck for cash...I have 1600 and I know the longer I play the more I'll lose but I do anyway like a lunatic...

I told my wife I had a problem a few months back..She was angry but understood I'd got myself into something silly that I'd regretted..She thinks since then I've nipped it in the bud..If anything it's got worse...The only thing I have going in my favour is that I haven't got myself into external debt..I've just been wasting my wages away..so obviously I have absoloutley nothing to show for all my hard work..Which alone drives my crazy...I asked all the casino's for my desposits versus my cashouts...The ratio was staggering...at one place I'd desposited over 10k for an overall cashout of 500 quid...that's a ratio of 20 : 1 !! I've self excluded now from all casino's..But we all know there's hundreds of places online..I think in my head I've passed that point of disgust and really feel strong enough to get away from this filthy habit...It's a day by day struggle!! I recently quit smoking two months ago.. I'd been smoking more with the increased gambling..what a great lifestyle! But I quit cold turkey.. No substitutes..Just stopped and haven't smoked since.. If I can do it for smoking then there's no reason I can't do for gambling..

Sorry for the rambling..

Good luck to everyone

Been there, am there, it’s bloody hard this gambling lark to get out of. Just have to try again. ☹️

Back again and here I am feeling ashamed and stupid.. I have everything going well for me and I decide to hit the destruction button and binge gamble to the point of being skint again and again and again.. Had been off the slots for a good while and was doing well getting my savings up.. All the hard work trying to get savings up to buy a house..who am I kidding.. I was watching a movie last night 'two for the money' with pacino and there's a scene where he goes to a GA meeting and basically says that people addicted to gambling aren't really addicted to the gambling they're addicted to that feeling of being alive when they hit rock bottom or when they have nothing else to lose.. It's the fight or flight mecanism that kicks in.. I don't know I felt like there was a part of me that could relate.. There's some underlying default within my personality that makes me need to destruct.. I suppose I should be pro active and use that knowledge to create something positive in my life that occupies my time and energy..

Last week I binged out on slots..Was depositing and depositing hoping for that one big fix win to sort me out.. And for once it came.. Had balance up to over 6 grand.. then it went down to 1500 quid and a bit of common sense kicked and and I tried to withdraw the 1500 which would have left me only slightly down from my deposits.. Here's where things got messy..Casino refused to pay out informing me I hadn't provided all documentation bla bla bla.. I emailed them everything 3 or 4 times with everything but they were always missing something...and the cynic in me started thinking yea this is just to delay me so i'll go back on the slots and yea that's what I did.. had it up to 6 grand again feeling great, tried withdrawing 4 grand and same c**P with casino..delaying and delaying verification...I finally blew it all..felt sick and have felt sick since last week...What can I do...That behaviour with the casino really made me realize that these places make fools out of people and play on the weaknesses of us all.. I'm taking it a day at a time.. I've installed gamban on PC but obviously still have access on my phone..I've pretty much self excluded from all casinos...I just have to find the will power and strength to get out of this horrible pit..

It really is a mugs game.. It's so easy to fall into though. I know there's no logic in trying to win big on a system that will rarely do so and has kept you playing along all this time to leave you with such a high dependency on slotting that even if you do hit it big you're more than likely going to throw it all back and lose that lot..I lived in France for many years and before they brought in a national online gaming ban I had problems with gambling..Especially with a few british casinos..The new law mean't I could no longer bet on any casino outside of France so it forced me to stop and to be honest this was the best thing that could have happened.. I just had no choice but to quit.. And to be honest after a few weeks I really didn't miss it anymore..That desire for a fix at online slots was gone and I started having more money to save.. I really do think the whole slotting industry online needs regulation..Needs to be halted to a certain degree..It just can't be good for any society to allow it's citizens a possibility to fall so deeply into such terrible mental and financial problems..But again same could be said about the alcohol and tobacco industry..It's bad for us we know it but we still do it..It's all about having the freedom of choice to chose between what type of lifestyle you want to lead..Anyway enough of me waffling on..It does really help reading here and hope we all have the strength to get out of this horrible addiction...

Hi

None of us are really idiots or just silly with greed. It can appear that way to people who dont understand it as a drug addiction. I wish I could have just slapped my forehead ,called myself an idiot then stopped. I wish it was that simple.

Its a complex nasty insidious and highly dangerous addiction. I fully agree with Nuevo bringing up that quote as I was addicted to the fight or flight mechanism. Addicted to the strange feeling of being alive when at rock bottom and I had nothing else to lose. Addicted to the emotions even though it did also end in a numb shock and stark realisation that I was walking home with absolutely nothing. Every spin was a complex soup of love me, cheat me, punish me (for I am not worthy)

You see I walked in with nothing even though I had say £500 available in monetary terms. Thats what the therapy brings out...I walked in with nothing positive in my head/my life.....I walked out with nothing positive in my head/my life...The money was everything and it was nothing at the same time....its so damned difficult to explain

I was addicted to the self destruction and I was in effect playing to lose. Its easier to understand when I finally understood I was deeply hurting inside through failure and loneliness. The drug of gambling was my form of self harm, my trance, my brief escape from feelings which could be described as worse than a gambling extinction. I think that is a key point. Failure, a deep loneliness and very fearful of the future are heavy feelings to bear and in its a crazy way gambling was both escaping those feelings and focusing them as a cry for help. With therapy I realised I was giving up and had given up on large areas of life...compulsive gambling plays right into that as any drug addiction does

We are facing a team of psychologists who help design those slot machines. They know the complex reasons why we gamble and they know what makes us tick while playing them.

Making is harder to withdraw is a disgusting and devious tactic even if its for a brief time. The arcades used to do it to me by having a ticket machine not working and the staff faffing about. Its all designed to make you think oh I will go back to playing again because its not hard to do that to an addict. A brief moment of I will go home now can soon be reversed with the offer of a stale bag of crisps and a 5p coffee.

Heck Ive even seen arcades switch the machines off and shrug their shoulders when they didnt want to pay out. In no way should I have trusted them but I was back time and time again.

"When the fun stops stop" is a laughable attempt at faux concern. I should say crying because its too damned serious to ever think of laughing about a cynical money grabbing "industry" that causes so much misery.

The sooner we treat gambling as a serious threat to health and not a silly pastime. Yes health warnings! I think people will look back on this in the same way that smoking was advertised as a fun or healthy activity.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Back to my old antics, Have blown all of my savings over last couple of months! I'm not going to even pretend and say that's it this is the last time..what's the point! I want to stop but I can't! Rock bottom seems to keep pushing it's boundaries because each time I think I've reached it I seem to dig a little bit further into self destruction.

Hi Nuevo,

I read this thread with interested. Could have written it myself. Iv struggled with this addiction for years. Breaking free, going back. Like you, I am addicted to having nothing and the thrill of having it all. Slots were also my vice. I gambled a couple of days ago, got up to £xxxx, gambled down to £xxx, s**t myself and manged to get back to £xxx absolutely swearing to myself that I would withdraw and have some money to get the through till pay day (25th). But as you can predict, I lost it all. Literally watched as it all went away. Then I kinda felt relief like it was all over again. I work hard, have nothing to show for it. I crave the big win, or any win to be honest, next I can’t wait for it all to go.

I’m here for you, know exactly how you feel. I’m also giving up giving up. But have to keep some hope! Talk soon

Nuevo80 wrote: Back to my old antics, Have blown all of my savings over last couple of months! I'm not going to even pretend and say that's it this is the last time..what's the point! I want to stop but I can't! Rock bottom seems to keep pushing it's boundaries because each time I think I've reached it I seem to dig a little bit further into self destruction.

Hey Nuevo - number 1) install Gamstop for 5 years, I did and it’s been an absolute godsend and it works. If you really really want to beat this awful addiction, you can’t do it alone just with will power, it won’t happen. Read my story it may help. I too had a relapse since Christmas but im day 14 gf today and have money in the bank and a little of my self respect back, which feels great... start a recovery diary and update it daily, I have and that also really helps - good luck my lovely!

Kaz xxx