Hello,
I last posted in 2014, things went from bad to worse, After a lot of heavy losses. My second year of university became hell. I entered into a deep depression. My gambling was out of control. I put my housemates through hell and I hit one of my lowest points. As soon as my student finance came in I gambled it all away along with three months rent. £2300 Out of sheer luck I managed to win the rent back o. If I hadn't my dreams of getting a degree would have been over. And I would have felt like my life would have been ruined. You would have thought that experience would have curbed the gambling but it didn't. I continued in the summer and blew another £500. fast forward to 2017 and I am in a much better place, am I cured... definitely not
I am an addict, I would say 99% of me is in recovery and the other 1% still wants to gamble. I had my last major relapse on Christmas Day, because I felt lonely and then I stupidly went back to the one thing that makes me feel the most alone but strangely safe. I say that I haven't gambled since, but I have, just not with my own money, it's alway been with the free bets. Until two nights ago, when I was sat bored and overthinking situations. And with no free bets to hand, I decided to deposit £9. Yeah I know £9 is not a lot of money. They think I am gamble free (friends) and what you would call cured! I know now I will never be cured, I transfer addictions, I stop one and start another. I have an addictive personality. As soon as I cut out spending all my money on gambling. I Would just spend my money on shopping. And I mean all my money.
I am currently writing my dissertation on addiction. I am using myself as a case study and also looking at how addiction is depicted within the the theatre and media.I want to find out if certain drama techniques can help within the recovery process. It is a very interesting journey I am on. I do a Drama degree and my addiction has become the forefront of my final year of study.
Hi Michelle. Welcome back to the forum. I can say I am the exact same with reference to the addictive personality and transferring of addictions. I always feel in need something in abundance so I gambled loads, and when I wasn't gambling I was buying loads of unnecessary things in gamblings place. So even my attempts in the past of not gambling I didn't like to class myself as in recovery as I was still spending unhealthy and shifting my addiction. This month pay day came and I set a challenge of not buying anything I didn't absolutely need and I feel more calm and controlled because of it. Good luck on your journey and your dissertation. I'm also studying behaviour and the mind in uni and will take it as the chance to learn more about addiction and what we need to do to overcome the way we think and act on things due to addiction. I hope gain the insight you need also 🙂
J xxx
Hi michelle-90.
Welcome back to the forum.
Yes gambling is fimly linked to depression and its probably the main reason I gambled. There is no shame in admitting to a gambling addiction or depression. I watch the Ruby Wax talks as she studied the brain and there is no shame in accepting that mental illness affects 1 on 4 people at any given time. Its probably more than that in my opinion.
I became man enough to admit I was lonely and completely lost....the gambling in town was filling massive holes in my empty life as I just didnt know what to do with myself. It also gives a hit that just made me feel normal because I neded a strong hit to try and get me out of a numb state. The mind gets ill as it doesnt think other people or pastimes can give that hit.
Addictive personalities are not necessarily a bad thing if chanelled heathily and correctly. I like collecting things and can get quite obsessed. I like to think not too obsessed and I dont fill homes so I cant move. I could be addicted to windsurfing and that is a fun thing to do.
Its a very complex addiction it can make us feel safe in escaping for a while when its actually plain destroying us. It was like comfort blanket for my anxiety stress and low self esteem but only for a very short while until it dawned on me I had gambled to extinction again
The money actually becomes secondary to the controlling part of the mind...only as we all know food and shelter doesnt buy itself.
The calmness comes with a serenity to realise it may always be within me but with a healthy mind and proper blocks I will have better things to do. I know for example that a certain set of triggers could always be there...bad news. grey day... loneliness.... motorway service station away from my blocks and I could possibly be off.
What I do is work through those scenarios to try and make sure that bad news or a grey day couldnt have an effect on me.
Well done for the study and please remember there is no shame in saying this is me. I admit to everyone that I have suffered from depression on and off for all my knowing life.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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