2014 Challenge

Hi Bornagain,(Phil)

My heart goes out to you my friend. I truly believe you are a decent person; the funny thing is that, from my 9 months as part of this Forum, most people I have spoken to are; complusive gamblers who are generally emotionally sensitive people, which is why we find it hard to stop, win or lose, when others can walk away.

But this isn't necessarily a bad thing, if we channel it in the the right way. For over 250 days, you did - extremely well done; you deserve a great deal of credit for that despite the circumstances you find yourself in right now.

You found a way of coping Phil. You got to the bottom of the problem and managed to control your urges for a very long period of time - in some ways, I imagine it is difficult to revisit that time in your mind but you should - look back to what made you forget all you had learnt, and all you had been through for that moment; something happened to make you do what you did, and that is what you need to address and analyse very deeply to ensure it doesn't happen again.

However difficult it is, you need to draw a line under your past few weeks Phil, and give everything you have towards creating a better future. You are a good person; imagine your life in ten years,if you carry on gambling; don't allow the years to slip out of your hands without giving them some meaning.

Use what you learned before, and know in your heart that your life cannot fail to be better without gambling in it; don't allow yourself to dwell to deeply on what has gone before - focus on tomorrow, focus on getting through the day and make some plans for the future.

You have done it once before Phil - you can get back to that place again. This time around you will know more, you will have experienced more; don't resign yourself to your fate, don't bury your head in sand either - you can do this, use this Forum as much as you need to, think about a recovery diary on here which has helped a great many people.

I wish you well my friend.

Mike

I hope you don't mind my posting when I am not a group member but I just wanted to say well done to Bornagain for being brave enough to post the truth of both his actions and feelings. I am new to this forum with only four days clean but for years I gambled and then lied not only to those around me but to myself as well. If you have the strength to tell the truth and learn from a blip, I honestly believe you can beat this.

Bornagain - what great support there is for you! Such sound advice from your fellow soldiers! You have shown you really want to be the new Phil & we all believe in you. Learn from your slips & tomorrow look in the mirror and say 'today I will not gamble' Someone once said that - oh yes it was you! You can beat this!

Having not slept since Friday I hope Mr B is giving it big Zz's . Until he's able to get back on track please continue checking in & supporting one another as you have with Bornagain. You are Super Troupers 🙂

Love Mama B xx

Bornagain, I failed badly a month ago and was on the slide to some really dark times. I must admit that 2nd blip I had was because I gave up in myself and did it improve matters no, not a bit. Am back in debt and felt terrible. My resolve is strong again for now and if we all do not gamble from here on we have all achieved our goal. There has never ever been anyone on here to put forward even a slight argument to go it alone and return to gambling off and on as we are all here because of the unnecessary pain and suffering we put ourselves (and families) into.

Day 84 check in.

I'm smiling today watching those days rack up. This is a fabulous run for me 🙂

Here's to another 84 days!

Wishing everyone all the best.

Have an amazing week guys x

4 days clean day 5 here we go

Thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. I've been on the verge of just stopping looking at this and giving up. Yesterday on my break in work I decided to have a quick look and saw Mama B and Joanna had posted about me and it made me post and then reading all the responses today has given me more incentive to get myself together.

So I want today to be my day 1 again. Its officially more than that, but last week I was in a gambling place and just had no money so I don't want to count that. I need to work hard on where I went wrong and place even more barriers than before. I also have a dilemma to face up to as after years of working most weekends I now have my Saturdays off and I'm enjoying going to the football, but some of the people I go with gamble and its often a lot of what they talk about. I don't have much of a life (lost all my friends over the years because of gambling) and I enjoy going to the match and having a few beers and a laugh, but would I be better off not going?

Day 88 check in.

In the early days I could not relate to the members with big gamble free days.

Now I am one of them!!

Learning why I gambled and how to say"no" has helped my recovery .

When I say "no" to the things I don't want to do, I am saying "yes" to myself and my family.

Bornagain - great to have the new Phil back 🙂 This journey is one day at a time even if it's day 1 or 500. Having worked with drug users there can be dress rehearsals for the full recovery. If you want it you will get there! From the beginning of this year you have soooo many gamble free days. Strengthen your resolve, get the barriers up & keep marching.

re the football - perhaps a question to ask yourself would be - are they your friends because they gamble? In which case the friends are the problem not the football. Then either go to the football on your own & possibly make new friends there or watch on tele whilst you gradually make new non gambling friends you could go with. Whatever will keep you from temptation is the way forward. Only you can make those decisions. Whilst you are vulnerable stay out of harms way!

Write down all the wise things you have learned on the forum & keep focused on them. Chin up, guard up!

Have a good day today. Love Mama B xx

To answer that Mama B, they are friends through the football, not the gambling. I want to continue going to the game with them because we have a good laugh, but I'm not sure if the talk of football coupons and odds will do me any good. In the past I have stood outside bookies or gone to the pub when they were putting their bets on and when they have mentioned football bets they usually lose so I would look at it as in that's another reason why I shouldn't gamble. Maybe I need to distance myself from the gamblers and try to spend more time with the lads in the group who don't gamble. Just got to make sure the beers don't flow too much and I end up in a bookies as a result.

Hi Bornagain, I completely relate to the friends dilemma. Have have gambled twice recently both occasions because I was out with a particular group of mates. It is tough. I managed on both occasions not to let that gambling spiral into a full relapse but have felt the urges and the conflict. I decided that it is not worth the risk. I did not admit my gambling problem but did ask them not to invite me on future casino trips. I took a little stick but it has been okay. Don't know if this helps. Just my experience. I don't want to risk a full blown blip. Take care. J

Evening everyone!

Sorry, it's been a while 🙁 I really am hoping that I can get back to old ways soon and get posting regularly once more. It's been a pretty challenging month or so, work it's usual demanding place, but home has created the biggest problems. I'm delighted to say that my nephew's mum got out of hospital last Thursday and is making a slow but steady recovery. As per Mama B's update to everyone yesterday, my m-i-law had a fall on Saturday evening and sustained a broken arm. It was a long long night on Saturday onto Sunday and by the time I got home around 8.30am I just didn't have the energy to do the update. Apologies to everyone and please be assured that my commitment to the challenge is still unwavering and absolutely clear. Big learning for me is that there is no way I would have been able to juggle everything that's been going on had gambling played any part in my life. Hopefully this week will see the m-i-law getting her operation (tomorrow or Wednesday) and I can get back on track with things come the weekend.

So, I'm going to extend check in for last week into this one and update on both weeks this Sunday. It would be good if everyone who has already checked in could do so again just to confirm that things are still on track. We will definitely welcome gary84 this Sunday and also Thankful (Julie). Can both of you make sure that you get checked in this week before Saturday night (midnight) as per the usual ask of the rest of the group? Delighted to have you both with us!

By the end of the month I would like to have updated the volume numbers. So to jog your memory and to help those of you who joined after that time, here is what I wrote on Sunday 29th June when we first did the volume survey -

How loud does the gambling music play in your head?

So it sounds like a weird question huh? However, there’s been a lot of questions by team members recently around “it” getting better, what do people do to help, do the urges go away and how to combat them?

Please bear with me on this one - if you read to the end of this section and answer the relevant questions then we may be able to “scientifically” determine whether “it does or doesn’t get better………and when does that start”.

Well, one member of the wider site wrote an analogy on his post about how gambling is always there, but now that he realises this he can rationalise and tune himself into the dangers that are lurking on a day to day basis. In fact, late last night NoCrisis posted another fantastic analogy about the twists and turns of a journey. Read on to see what KRS had to say………..

“I know everyone is different but i think all CG's are inherently the same.

I discovered that the 'voice' that made me want to gamble is always there - has always been there and WILL always be there. But it is set at a level. When I have been bad with gambling the level is high... when I have not gambled for a long time the volume goes down. I use the scale of 1 - 10. 1 being very low, to 10 being very high. For my analogy to make sense let’s say the 'voice' is a piece of music and that piece of music is set to the level between 1- 10 of how bad my gambling is. My will power, urges, determination etc. all affect my level.

So my level for gambling is playing a piece of music and I’m on level 4, which I generally regard as my normal gambling urge level.

The trick I learned is, that that 'music' was always playing. ALWAYS PLAYING. I Always had it in me to give in to temptation and start gambling……it never went away. If I heard the music then I would gamble. It was a learned behaviour. I hear 'the voice' or 'the music' and it makes me gamble.

Now for the other side of the coin and please bear with me on this, it really does make sense.

Now let’s look at your life. To oppose your thoughts about gambling…… you have your consciousness, you have your will power, you have other things to think about and do for example, your family, your work, your whatever. Your LIFE is also a piece of music. Your theme tune, if you like. It is also set to a volume between 1 - 10. If your life is busy and full and rewarding you will be on a high level and your music is set loud. If your depressed upset angry or bored, your 'lifes' music's volume is set low.

Now here’s the point - If gambling music is set at volume 4 and your life music is at volume 7, you can’t hear the gambling music……….it’s drowned out. You’re too busy or you’re in a good place, or getting on with other things in your life..........you just don’t hear the gambling music……hence you don’t get the urges.

Your life music will generally change day to day depending on what happens and that’s the trigger to watch because your gambling music will pretty much be at the same level dependant on the type of gambler you are. So for me at gambling level 4........if my life music drops down for whatever reason to level 4 or below, I will start to hear the gambling music again……..start to get tempted and hear the old nostalgic music that triggers a relapse. The further your life music falls the louder you can hear the gambling music and the more chance you are going to gamble again.

Sometimes you can get confused and tempted because your gambling level and life level are set at the same volume, so you get conflict because your levels are so close to each other……….. you can hear both songs in your head.

The trick is to keep your life music high. It will always drown out that gambling music - you won’t hear it so you won’t get triggered to gamble. It leaves us vulnerable when bad things happen to us. The volume on your life music gets turned down and you hear the old gambling music again. That’s why you always have to have this in the back of your mind. The gambling urges are always inside you………always playing that music……….that gambling tune! You have to drown it out with life music……….drown it out with LIFE!!!

When you stop gambling you realise what a massive part of your life has gone. Hours and hours playing these games........with nothing to replace it. Most people end up relapsing out of boredom. You have to fill the space gambling left with other things. We CG's also crave risk and excitement. When that’s gone it’s hard to replace. You crave it so much... your gambling music gets cranked up so you can hear it again. It wants you to hear it so you can come back. You need that LIFE music turned up too so you drown it out again. Go jump out of a plane…….bungee jump........swim with a f@cking shark! Whatever you have to do……………….but turn up that life music.”

So that is KRS’s analogy - really thought provoking in my opinion. BUT, I want to use the principles of it with the group in the hope of answering the question, “Does it get easier?”…………

For those of you who are old enough to remember the really big sound systems we had in the 80’s and 90’s……..you remember the ones with the graphic equalisers on them that visually bounced around depending on high the treble and bass and other things I never understood what they were for? I want you all to imagine that you’ve got 4 elements to your graphic equaliser bouncing around at various levels relating to………………..life, family, finances and gambling.

If we take KRS analogy then and ask how loud the volume is on each of these things for each of us then we can begin to determine if, at some stage of the recovery journey, the noise of life and family begins to drown out gambling and financial worries……and therefore, it becomes easier.

So soldiers……….when everyone is checking in this week, while it’s not mandatory, could you please answer the following questions……….

1. How loud is your life music playing right now? (1 is almost silent and 10 is booming!)

2. How loud is your family music playing right now? (1 is ‘my family music is drowned out by other things’ and 10 is ‘my family life is amazing and the music is louder than a Glastonbury speaker!’)

3. How loud is your gambling music? (1 is ‘the volume is so low I hardly think about it’ and 10 is ‘it’s so loud that I can’t think of anything else but that right now’)

4. How loud is your financial ‘worry’ music playing? (1 is ‘I haven’t a financial care in the world so can’t hear any financial worry music at all’ and 10 is ‘I’m so worried about my finances that I can’t sleep at night because of the worry music that’s blasting in my ears.’

Can you answer in order and simply give a string of numbers - my answers to the questions are:-

7, 8, 2 and 3.

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So the same ask applies between now and Saturday 27th September - the hope is that all of us provide the 4 consecutive numbers (watch out for the scales - 2 "bad" scores and 2 "good" scores in there). I will then compare and contrast to the last results and see how the world has changed and if that survey result still stands.

A couple of shout outs, but firstly, a huge thanks to everyone who passed on wishes of support to me and the family - it meant a lot, and still does.

Huge thanks to Mama B for stepping into the breach and taking a load of pressure off my shoulders - on the challenge and in many other ways - you're a star!

Bornagain - Big Philla......I'm gutted for you mate. I KNOW that you can do this.....but could also see that in your own mind a slip was inevitable. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met and you have brought so much hope, wisdom and challenge to other people in this group - it would be a travesty if you chucked it........and with that submission, chucked all of the big hopes and aspirations you have spoken to me about and written about in your spotlight etc. I share the same dilemma about friends and environments......and have slowly moved away from both, or spoken to those who gamble and I still want to have a relationship with about my problem - if they persist in talking to me about gambling or expose me to it in a way that I deem to tempt then I've walked away. People don't know what they don't know.....but when they do and choose not to exercise any tact or diplomacy then I don't see that being a friend. You know where I am mate, you've got my number and I expect a call in advance of any further activity - or else!

Mo - I'm made up you're back girl.....absolutely delighted - brought one of a very small number of smiles to my face in the last few weeks!

Lady Baggins - I think you're amazing, that's all! Lady B, or not Lady B, that is the question - ha ha! Loved the quote yesterday!

Everyone else - stay strong, sorry if I've missed something significant that you've posted and hopefully I'm back in action as the week commences!

Mr B checking in!

10, 10, 1, 1

Day 170...I do not know how life got so busy I even had a mini cry last night I was so exhausted. I'm ok now I was just being a girl lol. Gambling thoughts are not even on my radar...I think 170 days might be the ingest I have gone in probably 7 years xxx

Phil, Phil, Hooray - Bornagain is back again with us! Phil - there is no way you can say you have failed; two blips cannot erase all that time of remaining gamble-free, and your contributions to this site and the Challenge in particular have put you up there on the Top Table with Mr B and the other luminaries.

As for the football/friends dilemma, could you possibly explain to them that gambling is a no-no for you? I feel that their friendship is something you don't want to lose so it may be worth risking a bit (or a lot!) of stick from them if it means they eventually get the message and go easy on you. If they really don't 'get' it though and you keep getting close to gambling again then it might really be best for you to avoid them. Tough call.

But the important thing to remember Phil is that you have so many friends here who are willing you to get through this.

Mr B - so glad the slings and arrows are subsiding and that you can take off your tin helmet. Here are the Bagginsland scores for the Gamblo-vision Song Contest:

Life - 10, Family - 10, Gambling - nul points or 1, and Financial worry - 1

All the best to everyone,

Joanna

funny Mr B how much you come to appreciate certain things

i've missed your support and help on here

missed the roll of honour this week

shockingly i had to work out my own roll 🙂 which is 180 days today

sometimes its hard to put over a message on this format but my meaning is a big thankyou for all your support Mr B and everyone here

Tri 🙂

checking in 180 days today